The Scale…

 

This morning I woke up lighter than air… relieved… released… and all things fell into place. I had a hard weekend… starting on Friday morning bright and early when I received an email from an ex. Not just any ex but the most recent. She had a lot to say, beginning with expressing concern for the things going on with me and my family… ending with her letting me know she read my ‘SHE’S FAT’ blog and questioning whether or not I love myself and pointing out I make clear and wrong choices regarding the people I choose to date. I cried over this letter… it was heartfelt, painful to read, made some valid points and had parts that were just soooo wrong.

You cannot control the perception people have of you and you can’t dictate how they’ll HEAR something you say, the meaning they take from your words. Ideas can be shared… it doesn’t mean the inspiration behind them can be identified and understood.

Despite the fact that I’m open and receptive to whatever comes, I take people at face value and I take their word on faith that they are not liars; the outcome is not always a positive one. Even though the experience may have been awful it was still an experience. I can’t in good conscience say that EVERYONE I’ve dated has been a waste of time. I fully admit that it’s time I can’t get back… but I was living my life. THAT’S the point… I lived. Why would I want to take that back? Life is never a waste.

The Ex in question I loved and I will always love. Was she the love of my life? No (at least not at the time). Could she be? Who knows? The point is we ARGUED… ALOT… almost DAILY, about everything and nothing. She brought out the worst in me in a way I can’t even put my finger on. Yet I have love for her. So does that just go away because things didn’t work out? Does that go away because we rarely see eye to eye on anything? I had a lengthy convo with this same EX and somehow it turned into an argument (or maybe debate, depending on your perspective). She doesn’t want me to become bitter or cynical and she let me know in no uncertain terms what her opinion is of my most recent experience.

“If you love someone you don’t hurt them. That girl has no love for you. She never cared about you. She was kicking game for 3 months… I know… I’ve done it. Getting to know you was just to f*ck, she never had any intention to be serious. I know… I’ve done it. She was kicking game to the next one…and is probably kicking game to a new one now… I know I’ve done it. So what… if even though you are not what she wants… she says you are important to her? She’s just spitting more game, I know… I’ve done it. So what… if she sent you something she says is personal… something she claims is meaningful to her? She’s probably lying… people lie about stuff like that all the time.”

SMH… but don’t be cynical or bitter? If I think like this I’ll BECOME cynical and bitter. Loved ones hurt each other EVERY DAY… friends… family… lovers, but the ‘hurt’ part does not negate the ‘love’ part. I don’t know… I think my concept of love is different. I believe understanding is love… so I try to understand my loved ones… even when nothing makes sense. I love so I accept people for who they are… even when they show me their ugly side. I love so I forgive… even if it still hurts.  Love has no expectations… love has no requirements… love has no conditions…people do.

It’s been said ‘Love like you’ll never get hurt”. I’ve tried to live and be fearless in this area of my life. I’ve had bad moments, I’ve been hurt, used, abused, neglected, forgotten, disrespected and labeled irrelevant and disposable… and still I love. ‘Love like you’ll never get hurt”. Family has hurts me, friends have hurt me and lovers have hurt me… and still I love. I can reflect back on the time I spent with people and smile at the memory of the good times, and sigh at the memory of the bad ones and still I love. You were too young for me and the distance was unbearable… but I still love. Argue… argue… argue, never agree on anything… but I still love. I treated you well, we were supposed to be friends and you stole my sh*t… but I still love. I gave you love, respect and loyalty in all areas but you not only loved another… my azz was too big for you… but I still love.

People go back and forth on the distinction of ’being IN love’ and ‘loving’ someone. They fail to realize it all comes from the same pool. Loving friends and family just IS… or is supposed to be. We get to know them as people and we may not LIKE them so much… but we love them. Lovers run a parallel course… and due to the fact that most people have no self-respect, give no respect and treat each other like crap… people need to ‘fall in love’ which in 2013 has become another way to say;

“Earn it.”

“What can you do to deserve it?”

SMH… we’ve turned the most natural thing in the world (loving another person) into one long, exhausting and painful job interview.

Life is all about balance…

Bitter… Sweet…

Good… Evil…

Right… Wrong…

Black… White…

Chaos… Peace…

Love… Apathy…

Hate… Apathy…

Love is the most extreme manifestation of specific emotions ever possible; fondness and affection just to start. The only possible opposite is the complete lack of emotion. Hate is the most extreme manifestation of specific emotions ever possible; dislike and loathing just to start. It’s funny how people assume the opposite of Love is Hate.  For me to stop loving you I’d have to feel nothing. I’m not sure what wave length the rest of the world is operating on… but I can’t switch my emotions of and on… like so many do.

I woke up this morning and my spirit was at peace. I am loved. Maybe not always the way I want… maybe not always the way I need but I am loved. I’m thankful for my most recent experience. She taught me to love another person despite themselves. She taught me to put in every last bit of effort in me to try to help her FEEL better… to try to help her DO better and to try to help her LET GO of past situations that made her miserable. I’ve never fought so hard for another person, desperately wanting (despite everything) for them to just BE SAFE and to just BE HAPPY at the end of the day. I offered her the world (or at least mine) and she didn’t want it. I gave her everything that was in me to give… and she gave me nothing, (insert smile here) and still I love. She made me a better person.

Don’t get me wrong… I don’t enjoy pain, and I don’t enjoy having my heart put in a meat grinder. It is a bitter pill to swallow when the one you love best… doesn’t feel the same way. It’s the most painful thing in the world when that person has no respect for you and could care less when they hurt you. It’s crippling when they move on as though nothing happened… and your heart in the meat grinder is of no consequence to them… but they are lessons in life. I’m not bitter, or jaded, or even angry. I loved and it didn’t work… but I loved. How many people go their whole lives without ever feeling even the smallest little bit of what I felt for this person? I’m thankful for the experience and blessed to know I have that kind of capacity to love another person that much.

Life is all about balance…

Bitter… Sweet…

Good… Evil…

Right… Wrong…

Black… White…

Chaos… Peace…

Love… Apathy…

Hate… Apathy…

This morning right before I opened my eyes it dawned on me;

For all of the joy she gave me…

For all of the peace and happiness she gave me…

For all of the ecstasy and laughter she gave me…

She also gave these things in equal measure…

Disregard… Disrespect… Disloyalty… No Love…and worse… I was disposable… *sigh*

Boy does that suck… it also doesn’t change the things she GAVE me.

Do I think she makes mistakes? Of course.

Do I think she has some major issues with herself? Of course.

Do I think she has f*cked up priorities? Of course.

Do I think she’s self absorbed? Of course.

Do I think she’s numb to the world? Of course.

Do I think she sabotages herself? Of course.

Do I think she believes I’m not up to her standards? Of course.

Do I think she values the wrong things? Of course.

Do I think I deserve better than her? Of course.

But…

This is just my personal truth. I guarantee you her version is different  Part of love is acceptance, and I accept her flaws and all. I make mistakes… I have issues… I’ve had f*cked up priorities… I can be self absorbed…  I want to be numb… I have sabotaged myself… I have standards… I’ve valued the wrong things… and SHE deserves better than ME.

*sigh* We are only human.

It’s the person who brings you peace in your most chaotic moments… that you are meant to be with.

It’s the person who makes you laugh even while you’re crying… that you are meant to be with.

It’s the person who makes you a priority no matter what… that you are meant to be with.

It’s the person who makes you WANT to be BETTER for YOURSELF… that you are meant to be with.

It’s the person who WANTS to be BETTER for YOU… that you are meant to be with.

It’s the person who thinks you are the most beautiful, amazing creation… (God’s Gift… TO THEM) that you are meant to be with.

She was all of this for ME… sadly… I just wasn’t any of that for her.  Now I ask you… if I  love this person… and I believe I deserve all of these things… how can I possibly believe that she doesn’t?

So no… I don’t condone her behavior. While I respect her choices, I have no respect for her justifications for them… and oooooooh… I hate her, I really really do hate her (just a little bit) because SHE HURT ME… (hey I’m only human right? *shrugs*) and still I love.

Even though the experience was awful it was still an experience. I can’t in good conscience say that she was a waste of time. I fully admit that it’s time I can’t get back… but I was living my life. THAT’S the point… I lived. Why would I want to take that back? Life is never a waste.

This morning right before I opened my eyes it dawned on me;

For all of the joy she gave me…

For all of the peace and happiness she gave me…

For all of the ways she made me feel SAFE…

For all of the ecstasy and laughter she gave me…

She also gave me wicked painful stuff… in equal and exhausting measure….

But it doesn’t hurt as much… when I remember THAT PART.

I’m a better woman DESPITE her and I’m a better woman BECAUSE of her.

She’s moved on… and I’ve let her go… but the way she taught me HOW to love? THAT? No… I’ll never let that go.

 

– Nova