I Got Over Myself…

(Response to my ‘Get Over Yourself’ posted 4/11/11’)

So I said:

• Stop making quality women pay for the mistakes of the useless women YOU picked.

• Stop complaining about the abuse you sign up for and allow.

• Stop making quality women jump through hoops to prove themselves to you. Don’t ask for things you are incapable of giving.

You want a quality woman? Make sure YOU deserve her first.

Yet I here is what I did… more than once.

• I viewed women of questionable character favorably because I cared about them. Their actual quality played no part… some were rubbish… others corn fed how fabulous they were by other women for so long they believe it and expect you to fall in line… no matter what they say or do to you… no matter how they treat YOU.

• While I didn’t complain about the abuses I signed up for and allowed, I held onto to them… marinated in them for a bit and let them change me and my view of people… my view of love.

• I’ve never made anyone jump through hoops… either it worked… or it didn’t. No more no less… but I allowed others to put those hoops before me, and yes… like a trained dog I jumped. Silly me.

I have my list of qualifiers for love and relationships just like anyone else. I need a quality woman… and I put in the work to deserve her. The trouble is… I no longer believe she exists. I used to view love objectively glass half full and half empty because it really is BOTH. Now? I’d rather go swimming. Keep that glass altogether.

Someone told me yesterday they can’t wait for the day someone sweeps me off my feet… the truth is I’ve always done the sweeping… and now I’m done. I’ve been wooed… and WELL… flowers… candy… edible arrangements… poetry… love songs… gifts… EFFORT; I’ve even had a star named after me. I’ve been with women who thought I was intimidating… amazing… beautiful… wonderful… sh*t I’ve been LOVED and LOVED WELL.

I’ve given as good as I got in equal measure… but sometimes things just don’t work.

So many women are sitting around looking for ‘Ms. Right’ or settling for ‘Ms. Right Now’… truthfully I don’t care anymore. There is so much more to life than the person who warms your bed. I’m dating… playing the ‘getting to know you game’… and hopeful about love… I just don’t have faith in it anymore.

People value the wrong things… they covet the wrong things… and they make permanent decisions based on those wrong things. I’m guilty… I’ve done it… so no judgments here. I just choose to live differently from now on. I want peace of mind… so I’m living my life. I just want to be happy… so I’m doing it FOR MYSELF.

We need to love ourselves completely… the good the bad and the ugly… before we can give love to someone else in a healthy way. I embrace my good… I’m working on my bad… I acknowledge and respect the ugly because… ‘it just be like that sometimes’… I’m loving ME.

It’s the easiest thing in the world to blame the other person when things fall apart… I accept the role I chose to play in every bad situation. In the end… we give people the power to hurt us. I made the decision to give it… and now I’ve made the decision to take it back.

My heart is my own. Mine… to love my loves the best way I know how. God gave me a lot of love to give… I do both him and myself a disservice by giving it freely and in abundance to people who neither want it… or give it proper value.

I’ve said “I’ve been bent but not broken”… People talk about heart break all the time… but my heart wasn’t broken… it was ripped open… and I had to heal around that wound. It was a slow painful process but I am healed.

I have LOVED… real… ‘Mind bending… can’t eat … can’t sleep… she’s the most amazing thing in creation… need to put her needs first’ LOVE.

I fight for the ones I love… I protect them… even from themselves.

I’ve been loved and WELL but… I’ve never been loved LIKE THAT.

When someone will love me like that… then I will pay attention…

I will thank God for her every day and I will move both Heaven and Earth to make sure she is safe and happy…

I will make the decision EVERY DAY… to choose HER.

Until then… until someone CHOOSES to give ME that kind of love… I choose LIFE.

*shrugs* “It just be like that sometimes.”

– Nova