I Believe…

My most recent Ex pointed out that while I write about everything, I haven’t written about our breakup. She’s right I suppose. So here goes…

I’ve always thought that ‘the one’ would present herself as friend first, lover second. I’ve been reckless and irresponsible with matters of the heart. Trusting blindly and caring with no safety net. It’s interesting how many state they want someone ‘all in’ to sweep them off of their feet and claim them. Yet when presented with it… 1 million and 99 reasons crop up to stop all progress. They trust not at all and wrap themselves in protective gear.

It’s interesting how many think me an oddity because I am not in love with love. I am not running the streets… I’m not randomly bedding down with just anyone who pays me attention. It’s sad to see how many think me indifferent or cold because my life is not centered in my relationship status. I have goals, I dream big and often. I work on MYSELF daily because I am trying to be the person I was born to be, the person God intended and yes I strive to be someone worthy of that ‘one’ everyone is always talking about.

Bitterness is easy… accountability is much harder. I finally figured out that I’ve never made anyone EARN me. Earn my respect, my loyalty, my trust… my love. I treat others in all of the ways I wish to be treated. I’ve loved truly, madly and deeply… and I can say the ones on the receiving end either didn’t deserve it or they didn’t want it. I take ownership of my flaws… of which there are many. I take people at face value… which is my biggest mistake… over and over again. The world is full of predators, deceivers, users and folks with such a low sense of self-worth that they need for you to dim your light in order to feel good about themselves.

Anger is easy… acceptance is much harder. I’ve heard so many different variations of ‘you need to change, you are not enough’ that actually it’s starting to become funny to me. Too tall, too short, too smart, too uneducated, too silly, too serious, too mean, too nice, too far, too close, to indifferent, too clingy, too predictable, too unpredictable, too responsible, too irresponsible, too feminine, too masculine, too aggressive, to submissive, too black, and my personal favorite… not black enough.

Now I need you to take this in its proper perspective.  If I was a lesser being… that list… would have driven me insane a very long time ago. If I was one of these basic women out here I would have every complex known to man. If I was a sad excuse for a person I would pass all of that bile onto others. Instead… I treat others in the way I wish to be treated. Silly me.

I’ve always prided myself on my intelligence… beauty is subjective. I could even say I’m a good person… but that’s a matter of opinion and I’m sure there are people roaming this Earth who would vehemently argue that point. I could curl into a ball and sing ‘woe is me’… but to what end? I have loved completely. I’ve been loved and well.  What do you say when you are told you didn’t give enough, try enough, do enough… you just are NOT… enough and never will be?

I’ve always thought that I would present myself as friend first, lover second. I’ve been reckless and irresponsible with matters of the heart. Trusting blindly and caring with no safety net. I have no desire to sweep anyone off of their feet and I’m not sure I have enough of that romantic whimsy to put the effort in to be ‘all in’ or to claim anyone. When presented with it… 1 million and 99 reasons will crop up to stop all progress. So I’ll trust not at all and wrap myself in protective gear. After all it works so well for everyone else.

It’s interesting how many think me an oddity because I am not in love with love. I am not running the streets… I’m not randomly bedding down with anyone who pays me a little bit of attention. It’s crazy to see how many think me indifferent and cold because my life does not revolve around my relationship status. I have goals, I dream big and I dream often. I will continue to work on MYSELF daily because I am trying to be the person I was born to be, the person God intended. Yes, I used to focus on being someone worthy of that special ‘one’ everyone is always talking about but now my focus is on that ‘one’ being worthy of ME.

Ladies… stop turning every conversation into a discussion about finding a partner. Build yourselves up and take care of yourselves. I’ve finally learned that with God’s help I am ultimately responsible for protecting MYSELF. Nothing and no one else can or will ever do it. I never believed in ‘knights in shining armor’ anyway as I had no need and no desire to be rescued… but secretly I hoped that someone would WANT to be that for me… even if I didn’t need it… ESPECIALLY because I didn’t need it. Yes… silly me.

I’m told regularly I’m indifferent, I don’t care, I’m not invested, I’m cold, I’m unfeeling blah blah blah… stop talking about it. I don’t even know how to respond to any of that, because seriously… I’ve got nothing. My world would be a better place if random women were not constantly turning every conversation into ‘I have someone for you, why are you single, you’ll find someone’. Seriously… give it a rest already.

For those that didn’t want me, I’m ok with that. For those that walked away… maybe ran, thank you. For those I didn’t want… I’m sorry, seems as if that always happens when it shouldn’t. For those I walked away from… maybe ran, be honest… you are breathing a tremendous sigh of relief lol. At the risk of sounding detached I submit this to my most recent ex and anyone else who thinks they know me. I am a deeply flawed person. If I’ve disappointed you than I am sorry.

When asked in the past I always said I believe in God…  I always said I believe in love. Ask me now I will say I believe in God.

God is love.

– NovaCSA