I haven’t written a word in a long time. It’s been almost one year since I’ve put my thoughts down to paper. In that year I managed to finally see the end of years of credit card debt, was promoted at work, met a new love, strained my relationship with my sister, lost my cat of 18 years, lost my dog of 10 years and went back to school. Pretty much discovering the best and the worst of me in a 19 month time span. The truth of the matter is sometimes my world goes dark. Whatever muse I carry with me takes some time to rest or silently watch me make a disaster out of my life. One of my best friends says creativity is a gift from God. I wonder if God takes such blessing back though. When I feel a lack of inspiration, is it life getting in the way or has God simply stopped speaking to me? Some writers never find that spark again.
This past year though? A roller coaster of emotions; joy, anger, fear, faith, loss, love and disappointment… a lot of love and a lot disappointment. I learned so much from my most recent relationship, how to be loved, how to allow myself to be loved, and to make peace with the insecurities I was holding onto. I*N*S*E*C*U*R*I*T*I*E*S… we all have them that is certain. It’s not a question of what they are so much as a question of how much power do we choose to give them over our lives.
Now I have plenty of issues, and I try to work on them. Some days are more successful than others. I’m an analytical mind… always trying to figure things out. Growing up I remember determining how to take the entire back casing off of the big tube TV in the living room, the one that was some weird kind of ‘all in one cabinet/shelf TV’ hybrid. It looks amazingly like the one in the picture. You would think the back would be the same hard brown wood as the rest of it, well it wasn’t. I would wait till I was alone and then I would shake and shift that thing until I had enough space to sit behind it. I worked on that thing for what felt like weeks maybe months (now take into consideration that a couple of days felt like a week to a child). When I finally had it open I touched everything, the wires, the boards, the tubing… everything. I did the same with the VCR, took a screwdriver to it until I had it in pieces. All plugged in and not once electrocuted. God definitely protects fools and babies.
I wish I could say I’ve outgrown my curious side. The need to always understand everything, but I would be lying. Something I’m neither good at or have the energy to do. When I was 24 I started saying “Understanding IS Love, so I try to understand” and I tell myself that every day. I’m a people watcher, observing how they behave, the things they say and most especially the things they do to each other. There is a need for me to figure out how a person thinks. Once you understand that it is easier to know what drives them, what makes them tick and why they ultimately do all of the things they do. I kind of feel like understanding people and situations helps me to provide better. To better answer questions like, “what do I need to do for the ones I love most? What do I need to do to excel at work (clearly quality and dedication aren’t it lol), and what do I need to do… to be a better person for the people in my life?” Applying this concept to people I care about and situations that are important to me… almost impossible though as I can sometimes just fall prey to being too close to the situation. I’ll keep trying though… Faith, Family, Friends and Career… I will always try to understand.
On Dating and Relationships… I remember the exact moment I started to fall for my ex. It was late in the evening and we were walking to the train station and about to cross the street, I started across just as a car speeded into the cross walk. She grabbed my arm to stop me while stepping in front of me… Magic. Just like that the light went on. We spend so much of our time trying to figure out what we want in a partner, only to end up discovering things we need that we never would have imagined before. So many things became clear to me in this past situation. I’m told I’m a giver by nature but what does that even mean? I was raised to have the best of the best or nothing. To expect and work for the best of everything but also to acknowledge when the fruits of my labor may result in just that… nothing. Acceptance though, not an option. A relationship should be a partnership. I always hear folks talking about what THEY bring to the table. Seems to me no one acknowledges that not everyone has a place at the table, even when you want them to… and we can’t all bring exactly the same thing. After all… a table full of potatoes is in no way a meal, it’s just a table full of potatoes. We need to both bring things worth eating; nourishment for the mind, body and spirit that will both strengthen us as individuals and help us to be better IN partnership.
Failure is a fact of life and I have no fear of failing. If I am qualified or something is meant for me than I will have it. Strength to me is the ability to keep going, to always pick yourself up when you fall. Take help when it is offered (which I still struggle with) and to give help to others when it is within your power. Treating others in exactly the way I need to be treated. This isn’t an expectation or a requirement for me, it just is.
I do shut down though and those are the moments I’m the most self-reflective. I don’t ever look at anyone the way I look at myself. I can come across as rude and abrasive but the simple truth is… well just that, the simple truth. I don’t sugar coat anything, I just speak. I try to find ways to express myself that don’t come across as judgmental or insensitive but some things in life will always push those buttons in others, whether that’s how they were meant or not. The easiest way for me to maintain clarity in any given situation is to mean exactly what I say. No half stepping, no backsies, no double talk, and that is what I find unnerves folks most… HONESTY.
I want to be a wife, a mom, a mogul, a guru…
The wife part… well whatever happens… happens. I used to say I had to be married to have kids. No more, I now find myself unwilling to give up on the life I want or my future children, for a wife/life partner that may never show her face. Yes, I’m a romantic but I’m also realistic. That great romance and love that movies and books are written about… doesn’t happen for everyone. So I work on me, for me to always be better than I was yesterday. To learn things I don’t know, to step out of my comfort zone, to try for being nice and kindness instead of my default ‘I don’t give a f*ck’ attitude’, to keep an open mind and to respect when someone cares about me. I think it’s easy to come up with a list of requirements for the relationships in our lives but I want to deserve my future wife, to deserve my future children. To be someone they love, someone worthy of their respect, to be someone they admire. That’s the end game, trying to be who God intended me to be no more, no less.
Now I tell everyone I am the black Bridget Jones, I relate way too much to the character Hannah in the HBO series GIRLS, Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds, Fiona on ShowTime’s Shameless and yes I have my own Emergency Plan for any possible upcoming Zombie Apocalypse. I am Pippi Longstocking, Amelia Bedelia, Encyclopedia Brown, and Nancy Drew… and why the hell not? If you don’t know those names you would definitely benefit from looking them up. I believe in God and in Magic, and Dragons and Miracles. Isn’t God in all of us? Aren’t we each the magic, the dragons and the miracles that dreams are made of? I’m a flawed being, I own that. I think I just wish that the world was full of less talkers and more doers. Work on yourself, make sure your choices are always your own and have a purpose. It would be so easy for me to try to fit into a cookie cutter box that would put everyone at ease, make me seem less threatening, make it easier to put me on a shelf and pass me by or just plain forget me. Life isn’t easy though and I find neither am I. I embrace my issues and continue to work on them. CSA… Crazy, Sexy, Amazing, I’m a constant work in progress… and I’m ok with that.
Just remember… I’m only human and work toward being a better person every day. Understanding IS love… (myself, my loves, and everything else) so I will always, always try to understand.
… and just like that, I’m writing again.
– Nova CSA