Love Text

Pieces…

I’m an analytical person. I have my flaws… not the least of which include being stubborn. Things that may take others seconds or days to work out I spread before me like a giant jigsaw puzzle… and I work on every piece… until it is whole, until it makes sense. I always work my way to doing the right thing though… even if it takes weeks… even if it takes years.
There is something to be said about a core belief being shattered. Something that grounds you… being ripped from your DNA, and here we are… I hurt you, you hurt me… I miss you, and you… well I don’t know what you are doing.
I always knew you loved me… even when we fought… even when we lost touch… even when things were at their darkest… I always knew. When we were in it and after, I knew you loved me.
Imagine my surprise, when I capture snippets of you things you now say…
“The only time we ever got along was when we were physical.”
“After we broke up I wanted to be your friend but I was still attracted to you.”
“I decided then I didn’t want to be with you, I didn’t want to be in it almost from the very beginning. I don’t know why… WHY did I stay in a relationship I wasn’t happy in?”
Puzzle pieces to put together…
Like the ticking of a clock (reliable and steady) you tell me that I… didn’t love YOU. You never believed I loved you, no matter what I said or did then… no matter what I say or do NOW.
My mother always says, “when someone shows you who they are… believe them”.
I believe you.
Puzzle pieces…
With self discovery I acknowledged my shortcomings, understood my missteps, apologized and asked for friendship… because having you in my life (even on the periphery) felt vital and necessary. You asked me “Why? Why now?” and I answered “because you’re a good person”.
Well…
I believe I am too.
Puzzle pieces…
I have my flaws… not the least of which being equal part hard on myself, and others. Things that take others seconds or days to work out I spread before me like a giant jigsaw puzzle… and I work on every piece… until it is whole, until it makes sense.
This one has taken me years, but I think the final piece has finally been put in place, I see where it fits now.
I could never understand WHY you didn’t believe me, why you didn’t believe I loved you… couldn’t convince you then… can’t convince you now.
Except, now I understand… I don’t have to.
I’ve burned that bridge, and now… you’ve successfully burned yours.
Despite everything I always knew you loved me… even when we fought… even when we lost touch… even when things were at their darkest… I always knew. When we were in it and after, I knew you loved me.
I’m sorry I did such a poor job of giving you the same, you deserved better. I’m disappointed that someone who meant so much to me… thinks they meant so little.
Puzzle pieces put together…
“The only time we ever got along was when we were physical.”
“After we broke up I wanted to be your friend but I was still attracted to you.”
“I decided then I didn’t want to be with you, I didn’t want to be in it almost from the very beginning. I don’t know why… WHY did I stay in a relationship I wasn’t happy in?”
Standing now on the other side of a bridge we have both managed to turn to ash…
It’s taken years, but the final pieces have been put in place, I understand now.
My memory of you is a lie.
You never loved me… it was just attraction and physical compatibility warping perception.
Clearly I didn’t know you then… and I definitely don’t know you now.
There is something to be said about a core belief being shattered. Something that grounds you… being ripped from your DNA, and here we are… I hurt you, you hurt me… I miss you, and you… well I don’t know what you are doing.
My mother says, “when someone tells you who they are… believe them”.
I believe you.
Things that should have taken me seconds or days to work out spread before me in a giant jigsaw puzzle…
I worked on every piece… and finally its finished, finally it makes sense.
I have no idea who you are. I don’t know you now…  I never knew you.
The person I fell in love with was not real… and I understand that now.
You are right…
I never loved you.
– NovaCSA
Rest in Peace to the person I thought I was and hope to never become.

I Believe Part Deux

I spent the day tied in knots, haunted by memories of you… the rise and fall of your voice when you are excited, the infectious ring of your laugh… the likes of which for some unknown reason always remind me of coins rattling in a tin can… the way you always sound surprised and caught off guard when you are in the throes of it, even now just the memory of it makes me smile.

I don’t think I ever told you it was that laugh that set me on the path to falling in love with you… … the way you said my name cracked open the door… the way you looked at me like I was water in the desert blasted it wide open… and the way you called me your “WOMAN” forever carved this space for you in my heart.

I spent years seeking, seeking, seeking something elusive yet beautiful. It’s a wonder I made it this far, considering how often my views on dating and relationships have changed. You remained the constant, made me feel safe… and in my worst moments you are always the one I run to… home. We have to learn to crawl before we can walk… I am taking baby steps, have finally stopped to breathe and realize all roads lead to you.

Being honest I fully admit that I should have never dated you… the timing for it was all wrong. I was on the edge of reason, still licking my wounds from a very bad situation… made to feel that I was less than, unwanted, disgusting even. I could say that I am fully healed, but like PTSD the smallest things take make back to that place. I don’t think people ever fully heal from attacks on the heart and mind. The wounds may close, forming scabs that leave the skin tough and scared… war wounds.

I grew up in a household where none were considered beautiful, surrounded by relatives who either thought me stupid or made it clear that I was lucky to have passable looks to ‘get by’ on. There was no way I could believe you could want me the way you said you did. How could you? I was abrupt, brash, overly thick and no raving beauty… so, it was said… and so I believed. If I was discounted by family and discarded by someone I cared for, how could the one my heart beat for… want me?

It’s unbelievable how much time it took for me to get here. I’ve chased down my demons, let things go and acknowledge nothing worth having is ever easy. It took me so long to forgive you, too long really. I’m still not sure I’ve forgiven myself. Saying I’m only human, feels like a cop out… giving up is easy. So why does fighting for our blessings always feel impossible?

You made me want to be a better woman, what’s more, I wanted to be better for you. Every time I was with you was like getting struck by lightning… sharp and hot, an affirmation of something bigger than myself. Every time we argued I felt like I was spinning… round and round in circles, never able to stop it. It was like every ounce of everything that was good about us, everything that was good in us would collapse in on itself and lead us to the center of a hurricane. Baby, for the life of me I could never understand how we would end up there and still haven’t figured out how to avoid those storms when I see them coming.

Friendship seems the only reasonable course of action. You deserve everything and more, and each day I pray you find it. Romance is easy… Faith and Trust… that is hard, can’t build a house of love without a solid foundation… lol can’t even build a shack of LIKE without some tools. I realize now that it was in the darkest moments of our relationship that I should have remembered you were my source of light.

They say people come into your life for a session or a lesson… for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You’re my lesson learned… your fingerprints etched in my skin and the memory of you forever embedded in my spirit. I miss the way you held me tight, your scent, the pretty pale blush on your skin when you are excited, the quickened pace of your heartbeat when I touch you, the way you arch your back seconds before you flood me with your release, the way you looked at me… like I was water in the desert, and that infectious laugh… coins rattling in a tin can…

There are good people in this world and then there are the ‘others’, you are one of the good ones. I’m proud of you and wish you much success in life. Everything happens for a reason and I believe God always finds a way… makes no mistakes, and holds us accountable. I hope you have found that elusive love that feeds your spirit and makes you a better woman… I pray you keep it, and I pray that you are happy. Just clearing the air, I have no intention to make life difficult for you. The difference today… is I am holding myself accountable.

 

NovaCSA

Love… Less

 

 

She came into my life when I was searching… for something… ANYTHING. She thought I was exceptional, beautiful and a living dream. She loved me… really loved me, and decided that was enough… no consideration and no effort was needed. She loved me… just not enough to work for me… not enough to work for US… a waste of a love just for lack of trying.

She came into my life when I was starting over… working toward being a better person. She was focused and full of spirit. She loved me and turned that focus on me in constant battle… every day, all the time until I just couldn’t do it anymore.

She came into my life when I was young and free… looking for something (someone) to believe in. She was beauty and strength and amazing. She helped me figure out who I really was, she showed me my truth and then she left.

She came into my life when I was focused… she was young and free. She made me feel again after a long while of being empty. She was sweetness and candy… and in an effort to protect her from me… from what being with me at that young and vulnerable time in her life would do to her… I left.

She came into my life at a time when I was vulnerable and seeking… looking for love, looking for peace. She was wild she was smoke and some kind of wonderful. She looked at me, she touched me and she found me lacking.

She came into my life when I was comfortable… with myself, with my life. She was passion and heat. She was vulnerable and light. She loved me… oh how she loved me. She had me too but she didn’t trust me… which I took as a rejection so I rejected her… a waste of a love never allowed to thrive.

 

-NovaCSA

6 great women… 6 degrees of love… in no particular order… you made me better and I carry you with me always.

Tip Toe…

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It’s cold out, still and wet… there is thunder in the distance, brief flashes of lightening. She is quiet… going through the motions of releasing the stresses of her day. When she gets this way it’s like a hurricane trapped in a bottle. She is tense with an energy that is tightly reined in. Her body language, and her gaze, the tone of her voice… is predatory. I will wait.

I am silent, letting her go through her process… she isn’t ready. So I go through my motions, giving her space, preparing for the tempest I know is coming. Doing busy work while I give her the room she needs to work through it. I will wait.

Just as the rain starts outside I hear her long exhale… the slow release of a hard day. I can hear all of the pent up frustration in that one quiet puff of sound. The wind is howling as the storm gathers… I will wait.

I turn and take in the sight of her on the sofa leaning forward with her face in her hands, eyes closed. Slowly I tip toe over to stand directly in front of her and slide my fingers into her hair. At first she stiffens at my touch, her body coiled tightly like she’s ready to pounce. I will wait.

Suddenly she relaxes as my fingers work to knead away the tension at her temples. I smooth my caress over her scalp and she sighs again, resting her face against me as she wraps her arms around my waist. I will wait.

We are like that for a time… she is starting to unwind and I’m focused on her, just her. I wait until she is on the cusp of sleep, then gently work my fingers through her hair to give a firm short tug. Her breath catches and in a flash she comes to life, head snapping up as she drags me into her lap for a kiss that is both forceful and hungry. I will wait.

I straddle her hips as her hands reach down to cup my ass. Liquid fire pooling between my legs, my body aflame in a response that is for her and her alone. On a moan I grind down on her… and she rolls her hips up to meet mine. I break our kiss to gasp for air, as her hands dip under my shirt. Short of breath I slide my lips across her cheek to nip at her ear, rub my lips down her neck… then slide my tongue over the sensitive spot between her neck and collar bone. I will wait.

I lean back and unbutton her shirt, pressing soft kisses into her skin. Her body is feverish under my caress. My lips roll over her ribs, tongue sliding down her side… nails grazing her lightly as she trembles with hunger. She will wait.

She pants my name in a tone that is harsh and demanding. Her body is tense with an energy that is tightly reined in. Her body language, her gaze, the tone of her voice… are predatory. She will wait.

I am silent, letting her go through her process… she is almost ready. So I go through my motions, preparing for the storm I know is coming. Lips and tongue doing busy work while I give her the space she needs to work through it. She will wait.

Lightening crashes and the rain beats against the windows as I sigh into her skin… the slow release of expectation. I can hear her excitement in the steady thrumming of her heart. Thunder booms loudly as she snaps… Finally.

Suddenly she growls and flips me onto my back, grinding her hips inside my open thighs as I pant with need. Eyes closed as her lips kiss my neck, her hands on my breasts, tugging my bra out of the way. I push my hips up to meet hers as she unleashes the full force of her passion at me… Finally.

I try to catch my breath between pants, feeling devoured, her lips tugging on my nipples, as she rips open my pants. Her fingers sliding into the moist heat between my thighs. At first I stiffen at her touch… her fingers quickly flick back and forth over my heated flesh, teasing my clit. Outside the storm rages as my body coils tightly with mounting need as she slides a finger deep inside of me… in and out… in… and… out. I moan her name right before I lose control. Throwing my head back as my body bucks beneath her on a wave of long… hard… orgasm. She rocks against me, holding me down… cumming hard and fast, pouring all of her pent up energy into me… Finally.

 

 – NovaCSA

US 2.0…

“Understanding IS love… so Every Day… even though sometimes it may seem impossible… I try to understand.” – NovaCSA

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us

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Let it find YOU!

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To Love without Condition…

To Talk without Intention…

To Give without Reason…

To Care without Expectation…

Remember without Regret…

This… is the Heart of a True Friend.

– Unknown

Same Love…

Kiss Day

When the Sky Falls…

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Last night I listened to her speak as desire quickly stole over me… leaving me in its heated wake. She’s such an exhibitionist…… always giving and taking and doing… something. Sometimes it’s those serious moments I think I need the most… because SHE brings me peace.

Would that I could wrap my body, my spirit, my heart around her… in a never ending caress…

timeless… breathless… and in love.

… and there it is…

the sound of my name on her lips…

an eternal aphrodisiac… a perpetual mental caress…

an endless stroke up and down… and back and forth… up and… over my spirit…

… and the Earth moves…

Heaven opens up… Angel’s sing…

There is LOVE here

Last night I listened to her breathe as sleep began to stake its claim. She’s such a worrier… always thinking and feeling and reeling over… something. Sometimes it’s those sleeping hours I think she needs the most… because they bring her peace.

Would that she could wrap her arms around me… her heartbeat flush against mine… her spirit penetrating my own… deeper than any before her… her mind… and mine… in that constant state of communion only we share… timeless… breathless… and in love.

… and there it is…

the sound of my name on her lips…

an eternal aphrodisiac… a perpetual mental caress…

an endless stroke up and down… and back and forth… up and… over my spirit…

… and the Earth moves…

Heaven opens up… Angel’s sing…

There is LOVE here

I could feel safe if I just inhale… release… and let go. Will she defend me? Will she protect me? Will she love me when it really matters?

Safety… I don’t think I’ve ever felt safe with a woman.

… BUT…

the sound of my name on her lips…

an eternal aphrodisiac… a perpetual mental caress…

an endless stroke up and down… and back and forth… up and… over my spirit…

… and the Earth moves…

Heaven opens up… and Angel’s sing…

There is LOVE here

The Sky is DEFINITELY FALLING…

I love her

I love YOU

          Nova CSA

 

 

For Janski

 

Letter from my Babe…

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So my babe wrote ME a love letter…. imagine that (the sky must be falling lol)!!!

VERY RARELY… have I experienced consideration from a lover like this… on this level. As a woman I have secretly yearned for it.. craved it.

I give it in abundance…

Shout it from the rooftops…

Let the world know…

NOVA

IS

IN

LOVE

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There were loves in the past where… I’d been loved and loved well…

J… you love me WELL.

I love you Baby…  and I prayed for you too :-*

————————————————————————

Nova,

God said that we aren’t meant to be alone. He gave Eve to Adam, Jesus to the world, and you to me.

I have not been this happy in awhile, and when I was, it didn’t last very long.

Before you, I was happy. I found joy in life alone. Appreciated myself, strength and weaknesses, But when you came along, my happiness intensified. There became a sense of security, in the person God created me to be.

During the time I was single, I prepared myself for you. I put all my trust in God, that in him I would become a woman of strength, courage, faith, humility, wisdom, grace, mercy, and love.

And your love for me is confirmation that God can take mess and make it beautiful.

God saw the best in me… and you brought it out.

 
Sincerely in love,

J

Yes, for REAL! :-*

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