Is this year over yet?
This morning I replied to a friend’s FB status about how she was feeling about love and relationships. I was honest and shared my view based on my recent experiences.
This has been a year of deep heartache, disrespect, humiliation and BS. I’m surviving it. Love, women, relationships… I’m not really sure what the point is anymore. Love has become subject to approval based on things that have nothing at all to do with actually LOVING someone. Women are evil to each other in ways men could never dream of or imagine and disrespect runs rampant because let’s face it… deep down most people don’t really have any respect for themselves… so how can they have it for anyone else? In the end take those things that make you bleed and learn from them. Wear your scars with pride because they are a testimony to the battles you have fought and SURVIVED. Be who you are, because you are beautiful and love yourself because… in this life right now in this world… treating yourself well has become a good idea instead of common practice. Be good to you! Anyone new in your life will have 2 options. “Get on board” or “Get the f*ck out of the way”. I had to learn these things… I’m still learning them, and I will continue to re-learn them EVERY day for the rest of my life, because the alternative… that parade of false love, the self serving, disrespectful women… is just NOT acceptable. (((Hugs))) – the end
Since this response I’ve been thinking. .. 2013 was a year of extremes… things were either really really bad… or really really good. I’ve had no buffer… and I’m over it. I was recently told I’m a dissapointment… oddly enough by someone who has disappointed me my ENTIRE life. Perhaps maintaining the current relationships in my life is more important than expanding my circle. Let’s face it… my friends are in fact awesome… we take care of each other. I’ve learned that not all offers of friendship are genuine. Now when someone speaks I weigh their words against their actions… because it is a fact that a healthy dose of suspicion does not necessarily translate to paranoia. Sometimes… folks REALLY are out to get you.
So I’ve been re-evaluating, I’m not the person I was this time last year. In some ways I’m better… in others… worse. I could apologize but I won’t. Life does not apologize. God has his plans and I can say in my times of deepest darkness and crippling heartache he has been consistent, and I knew I was loved.
I would be a liar if I said I’m NOT ready for this year to be over. So many new beginnings on the horizon. New year, new job, new home, new love, new friends, a new start, a new me.
This year I’ve been bent to the point of almost breaking, wounded by people I loved deeply, bloodied in ways I never experienced before , used for the things I can offer, abused for the things I can’t and discarded like used up toilet tissue. All by different people and different circumstances… creating one big ball of “I deserve better…” Kind of a “life punch in the face”. Smh when they say “life’s a b*tch” they are not joking, but I’m a fighter, and I punch that b*tch back.
My theme for the new year… like the Phoenix in the picture above. I’m a survivor.
Thank you and F*ck you very much 2013.
So yesterday I realized something about myself… I love hard… and the alternative… yes… just as hard. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always known I am an extremist, that’s not the epiphany. You see LOVE has the power to change you. To make you better, stronger, a whole new person. Everyone knows that or at least they should. The alternative works the same… it changes you. I made a choice a long time ago to work toward being a better person, a nice person, someone I could be proud of. So I put that inner evil bitch to bed and left her there. This was the outcome *sigh*… I trusted blindly, without thought. I gave in abundance, without reason. I loved madly and I loved deeply, without provocation. I offered loyalty, adoration, lust, friendship… I spent money, time, and effort… I handed a place in MY LIFE… to people who neither wanted … nor deserved… any of it. There is being a no-nonsense type of person and there is being a terrible person. There is being a good person and there is being a victim. Where is the happy medium? SMH I realize I need to find a better way.
There is no THING more damaging than being ashamed of yourself, angry at yourself… disappointed in your choices. It bends you into something else… something twisted and broken. I find myself right back where I started… that inner evil bitch ready, willing and able to consume any and all good parts of myself. I can’t go skipping through life being better TO everyone despite how they are to me. It doesn’t come naturally… so I guess on some level it’s phony. I can’t continue to act as if trying to be better FOR everyone… despite how they are TO themselves… makes life any better. I can however treat people the way I want to be treated. The way I need to be treated. That was how I started out… trying to do the right thing. Always trying to do the right thing even in some cases when it meant hurting myself in the process smh.
I’m not really sure who I want to be. I know I don’t want to be something dark and twisted, but I can feel that inner evil bitch taking root, whispering “I told you so” on a daily basis. Feels kind of like being hugged by BITTERNESS… kissed by CYNICISM… and married to SUSPICION. I don’t want to be THAT person. No… that’s not me either. Soooo I need to find a healthy balance for that inner evil bitch and being a GOOD person… being good TO people. Doing the right thing and not doing harm to myself.
I’ve said for a while… “I’m a good person”. My personal truth… I’m not. I’m nothing more than a work in progress… no more… no less. No better or worse than anyone. It’s funny because some think I’m opinionated… harsh in my judgments and it makes me nasty. Hmmn… I think it’s more like… the truth is… I am nasty. When provoked, when hurt, while hurting, when abused or insulted, when used or ignored… yes… I am nasty. I’ve spent the last couple of years slowly damaging myself with questionable choices… letting others damage me with questionable intentions… not taking ANY necessary steps to protect… MYSELF. At some point… even for a wild dog… self-preservation kicks in. Fight or flight… is instinctual… for EVERYONE.
I’ve been going against my nature for so long I’m not sure who I am anymore. Years ago I looked in the mirror and didn’t like the person looking back at me so I decided to change her… and I did. I built a whole new life for myself… yet somehow… I’ve lost my way. I know that now… and I’m taking steps to find it again. When you try every day to be better than you were the day before you kind of forget to live in the moment, to enjoy it, savor it, learn from it and let it go as needed. I can no longer and will not allow negative people or things to take root in my spirit.
There is no perfect person so it always gives me pause when someone labels me ‘judgmental’ or ‘opinionated’, as though I believe I am God’s gift, as though I am unaware of my flaws and issues. It’s been said… “If you want better… you DO better”… so I TRY to do better. I am TRYING TO DO BETTER! Balance is necessary in the universe… light and dark… love and hate… good and evil. There is no worst critic… than the critic of self. There is no doubt greater… than the doubt of self. There is no harder judgment… than the judgment of self. Harsh… how my thoughts, ideas, and opinions can offend. Harsher still when I apply those very same views to MY SELF! Think about that for a minute… then please step back and get over yourself. I barely recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror… trust and believe… you do not know me. For the select few that THINK you do… you truly have no idea. The world does not revolve around you. I am not holding YOU to a higher standard. I am holding MY SELF to a higher standard.
I believe it is the flaws that make us beautiful.
So here I am…
I’ve been blessed, admired, praised, respected…
and I am honored.
I’ve been bent, wounded, bloodied, and humbled…
and I surrender.
My life is my own…
and I give it to a higher power.
I will make mistakes.
I will make questionable choices.
YOU may not want this person in YOUR life…
and sadder still…
I may not NEED YOU… in mine.
I love hard… and the alternative…
just as hard…
I will say… and do terrible things…
and I will own them.
I will figure out what I did… where I went wrong…
and I will take the necessary steps to correct them.
I will do good works… I will help people.
I will do… and I will say… amazing things…
and I will own that too.
I will figure out what I did right…
how to do it better…
and I will take the necessary steps…
to grow into the person I was born to be.
Father I’m ready.
A Rabbi once told me “It is not for us to hand out forgiveness like candy. Does the person acknowledge what they have done? Is the person remorseful? Has the person taken steps to repair the wrong they have committed? If you answer ‘no’ to any of these questions your forgiveness amounts to NOTHING for the spirit of the person you forgive… or their salvation. Acknowledge the forgiveness is for YOURSELF so YOU may be free of the burden of the wrong doing and move on with your life. Never expect anyone to FEEL BETTER because YOU have forgiven THEM. Let them find their peace with God.”
I’ve lived my life with this voice in my head. Letting something go and forgiveness are not the same thing. Why bother my spirit with forgiving someone if they haven’t taken any of the aforementioned steps? So I can feel better? Here’s the thing about TRYING to be a good person… when you try to do the right thing… and you act accordingly… there will never be a reason for you to TRY to feel better.
No matter the wound… it will happen… that… ‘feeling better’.
I’ve thought about the recent ‘wrongs’ I perceive others having done to me. The truth is those people are walking around la la la as though nothing has happened. They are burden free because in their own mind they have done NOTHING wrong… and when a person feels they are in the right… they will sleep just fine.
Love is such a precious… practically extinct… important aspect to this life. To a person’s spirit… to your world.
If I called you my friend… I meant it. Even if you didn’t respect it… I loved you.
So I’ve decided to take the selfish approach with this… I forgive YOU (those perceived ‘wrong doers’).
I’ve let it go.
Make no mistake… if I’ve put you on that list it’s because you actually DID something FOUL…and I forgive you anyway. Not for YOU… but because I have to forgive myself for giving you that power in the first place. MY FAULT!!!
If I called you my love… I meant it. Even if you didn’t understand it… I loved you.
So I finally understand… I just bring out the worst in some hearts.
I’ve let you go.
We are all human and some decisions are just REALLY BAD CHOICES. I have no interest in holding on to any of that. That’s between you and God. Truth be told… HE’S already forgiven you… so *shrugs* really who am I to judge?
You are human… so am I….
I still hear that Rabbi’s voice… these days I hear something else… the sound of my redeemer… telling me “Let go and Let GOD.” I am FAR from perfect. I make mistakes just like everyone else… and I pray that when I do… I’ll acknowledge what I’ve done. I’ll be remorseful… and I’ll take steps to repair the damage.
People say all the time “What Would Jesus Do?” Well my answer?
“I ain’t HIM.”
I do understand where he was coming from. So I’ll try to DO BETTER.
When I was 22 I met a man. He worked in my office building. He was a little older, reminded me of Mekhi Phifer and very intense. He was rough around the edges, what one would call ‘aggressive, or hood’… VERY HOOD. We used to meet up for random hot and sweaty rendezvous… and he had a fetish…. the man liked feet… he REALLY liked feet.
Speaking as someone who tends to accommodate their lovers I indulged him… I mean… all I had to do was hold my foot up half the time… he did the rest. Thinking back on it now it was actually an ideal situation. Think about it… an as yet Undiscovered Lesbian that didn’t enjoy sex with men. This required no real participation on my part… I could either lay there or stand there… doing nothing. I’m being honest… I was relieved.
This was not a nice man. I fooled around with him at a time in my life when I had yet to set standards for myself. I had no real requirements for anyone I dealt with. I just floated around like a social butterfly treating romantic prospects well with no expectation other than they would just naturally fall in line and do the same. Imagine my surprise when he didn’t fall in line. He was rude, rarely showed up when and where he was supposed to, and disrespectful. I think he’s the reason I developed such an issue with being disrespected.
This dramatic non relationship based solely on getting naked was on again off again for about six years. During that six year period I discovered he had a girlfriend (which he lied about of course), so we were off again. His ‘baby mama’ called me twice… which was funny only because she would call when we were ‘off again’, just MESSY. I actually dated other people and tried to be friendly with him. Bear in mind this was a man who would call me all kinds of ‘b*tches’… cuss me out like I was some hood rat on the street. I would do what women do… defend myself and stand up to him; he wasn’t my man, my boyfriend, my anything so why bother?
Six years ago I came into my own. Took a really long hard look at myself and decided to change my life. One of those changes… I no longer dealt with men. There was never any compulsion to do so. It was never important, and I really didn’t care one way or another… at least not until my first REAL encounter with a woman, it was a revelation.
The best way I can describe it… my coming out… “That moment my face broke the surface and I took my first real breath… finally realizing I’d lived my whole life under water.”
Six years ago I walked away I walked away from men and everything a straight life had to offer. I didn’t want it… any of it… least of all HIM. There was so much going on in my life at the time he was the least of my worries. I genuinely had a problem with myself. I was mean (evil really) and more about dwelling on a problem than about fixing one. I was a product of my environment. The reflection of a mother that hated men and had a distrustful outlook on life, the mirror image of an older sister hell bent on overcompensating for EVERYTHING in her life… and the essence of an absentee father that was street smart, mean, calculating and self-absorbed.
I wanted a better life than the one I was living. A better life than the ones collectively we (the above mentioned) had. I had always heard… “If you want better… you DO better” so I woke up one morning… and DID better. I analyzed everything I wanted out of life and came up with a way to get them:
Respect – give it to get it
Honesty – give it to get it
Loyalty – give it to get it
Love – give it to get it
The foundation of the person I wanted to be was summed up in just a few words…“treat others… the way YOU wish to be treated.” So I took those first few steps… and became someone else, the person I always wanted to be… a much closer version to the person God NEEDED me to be. It’s still a process… a daily struggle… I’m not the best I can be but my spirit is at peace because in the end… I know I’ll get there.
A year later when I was still trying to be friendly with the Mekhi Phifer look alike… I told him I was over being someone’s ‘option, alternative, fun’. You know just a warm body… with no real attachments. I had a lot to offer and for the first time in my life I was WILLING to go the distance with someone. I deserved so much more then I had been accepting. He hemmed and hawed and in the end all attempts at friendship went out the window. After that it was ‘block, delete, move on’. He’s been steadily emailing me over these past few years, messages ranging from playful to downright threatening, and what is the point of that?
I moved on with my life… met some amazing women along the way. Some beautiful spirits… some… well… let’s just say… not so much. Either way I was HAPPY, happier than I’d ever been. I didn’t CHOOSE for women to make me happy… they just do. Realizing it… acknowledging it… was just ONE step of many to get me to the woman I am today. Smarter, Better… STRONGER. I am defined by my God, and through the reflection of his image I am a beautiful spirit. I still stumble and fall, and when I make bad choices… they are REALLY BAD CHOICES. I bend… but I don’t break because I am loved and I love in return. When someone treats you well THEY are a blessing. Now today… the woman I am…in my relationships… whether they are friendship, family, or a love… I try to be a blessing.
Imagine my aggravation last year when I started getting voice messages at work from Phifer. The receptionist telling me ‘he’s here to see you’ and the building security (he was friendly with) telling me he was looking for me. “I’m not here for him, I’ll NEVER be here for him” was always my answer. I ran into him on the street once. “I’ll buy you lunch…” he said while I made my exit. “No thank you. Not interested I’ve moved on.” A year… of on again off again pop up visits and random phone messages at work, just MESSY.
Today took the cake though… that expression “God protects Fools and Babies” is the truth. I sent off a long azz text message to a friend and noticed the time… 10:42 a.m., and I hadn’t had breakfast yet. So I ran out trying to beat the clock for something to eat. By the time I got downstairs the little shop there was no longer serving breakfast. So I decided to skip it and head out for some chocolate (don’t judge me lol) from the Japanese Chocolate place by my job… THE BEST CHOCOLATE EVER (sigh… sorry lol). Of course I got side tracked by the skin and body care shop instead and went in, asked a bunch of questions and ending up making a purchase. Since I spent my chocolate money on skin care I decided to head back to the office till the little shop was serving lunch.
I walked into the building, pressed the button for my floor and waited. When the elevator doors opened I was responding to a text, which is why I didn’t notice him at first. I just started walking toward the doors. As I looked up he grabbed me around the waist “Hey!” he said as he pushed me back into the elevator. In the amount of time it took me to look up and see his face AND push him away from me the doors closed. He pushed the top floor button and sooooo it started.
Me: What do you want? I have to get back to work.
Him: Oh you will, but I’m gonna talk to you first.
Me: There’s nothing for us to talk about.
Him: Yes there is. Hear me out.
(Elevator doors open… I exit with him right behind me)
Me: I’m going back to work.
Him: No you’re not. Not until you hear me out. You owe me that much.
(He grabs the arm of my jean jacket and starts walking toward the back staircase… you know the one I’m talking about… the ‘in case of emergency or fire’ stairwell. SMH, and I have no interest in being dragged anywhere so I stop walking. He then starts pushing me from behind)
Me: Stop pushing me.
Him: Alright, alright… but you’re gonna talk to me.
(Now we are in the stairwell and I move away from him)
Me: What is this? I have to get back to work.
Him: You had time to go shopping, so you have time to talk to me.
(As he puts his phone on the window sill)
Me: What do you want?
Him: So you have your whole office thinking you’re gay now?!
Me: I am gay
Him: That’s what’s up. I still want the pussy though.
Me: Well that ain’t happening
Him: So what… my d*ck wasn’t good enough for you?
Me: It was never about that
Him: Ok whatever, you’re gonna give me some today though
(He reaches into his pocket and pulls out one of those travel size bottles of lotion)
Me: Man, listen… I’m happy, I have a girlfriend now… I am GOOD. I’m not entertaining you or this foolishness. I’m going back to work.
(And this fool goes blocks the door and goes into a 3 minute barrage about how I ‘played him’. When I answered each of his ridiculous claims, pointing out he treated me like shit and I allowed it, he was no show no go for the better part of my knowing him and he was an just an overall azzhole he had an answer or rather an EXCUSE for everything.
Him: You know I had to move, you know my mom’s lost her apartment, you know my daughter was sick, my ex is crazy, my baby mom’s is nosey (blah blah blah)
Me: That’s all well and good. Ancient history, I’ve moved on… you’ve moved on… going back to work now.
Him: You ain’t going anywhere till I get mine. Let me see them.
(My toes in case you were lost btw)
Me: Your what…? Nothing over here belongs to you.
(And so I tried moving past him. Bear in mind he’s bigger, taller and stronger than me so that was an exercise in futility. All it accomplished was a lot of me being shoved around and getting pissed off.)
Get out of my way.
(This fool unzips his pants and puts his fingers in my face)
Him: Stop playing with me! I’ve waited four years for you. You’re giving me some.
(I assessed him and assessed the situation… and chose to take the alternative route. I went down the stairs with him hot on my heels… jabbering some more about me playing him. He follows me this way down two flights of stairs as I look for a floor that allows re-entry into the building. All the while he’s going on and on about what I owe him… just plain CRAZY. On the third flight he grabs my arm)
Me: STOP TOUCHING ME.
Him: You fucking owe me this! I waited 4 years for you.
Me: I don’t owe you anything. This is over.
Him: So what you wanted a relationship? Well I’m here now.
Me: Are you SERIOUS! I don’t want ANYTHING from you.
(As I try stepping around him. At this point we are on the middle landing between stairs and he puts his hand on my chest and pushes me into the wall.
Him: Give me this and I’ll go away. I won’t come back.
(I push him back (almost down the stairs which in hindsight is funny as hell but at the time not so much) *shrugs*)
Me: I’m not giving you shit.
Him: Why you being such a b*tch! I’m not playing with you.
(By this time he has me hemmed up against the wall again with his hands all in my face (new for me). I’d never had a man come at me like that before. I’d rather not ever again, I don’t mind telling you. I’d never been in this type of situation before. So I did what I always do. I started thinking. CLEARLY I’m not getting out of this… and CLEARLY he’s not going away. Soooooo… just deal with it.)
Me: Get out of my face.
Him: You’re gonna give them (toes again) to me
(More hands in the face… he’s past the point of aggressive and I’m past the point of pissed off. So I dropped the mini shopping bag I only just realized was in my hand this whole time.)
Me: Get out my face.
Him: Give them to me and I’ll go away. I’ll never come back I promise. (toes again)
Me: I’m not giving you shit.
Him: I’m not playing with you. You ain’t leaving till you give them to me.
Me: So this is how you want it? I’m not giving you shit. You’re going to have to take it. So come on… TRY TAKING IT.
(heart beating fast… I stood my ground. If this retarded azz Mekhi Phifer look alike m*tha f*cka was feeling froggy… I SWEAR TO GOD he was going down those stairs face first. The really sad part is the way he looked at me. Like I was beneath HIM, and a bell went off in my head… *ding ding ding* how many women would just give him what he wanted just to get him to leave them alone? It is just TOES after all. Well I wasn’t going to be one of them. FUCK OUTTA HERE!!!!)
Him: Fine. Man F*ck you!
(He then turns around and heads back up the stairs, presumably to get his phone… cussing me out the whole time. I go down another flight of stairs, to the tune of “bird… b*tch… ho…” blah blah blah then there it is… RE-ENTRY into the building!! Hallelujah (yup… I told you God protects fools and babies… today I was definitely nobody’s baby). I walked onto the floor, headed for the elevators and made my way back to my office.
Overall the entire encounter probably lasted between 15 to 25 minutes. Enough time for some seriously bad ‘Ju Ju’ to have gone down. I always say I’m a lover… not a fighter, but here is a simple truth for you. Slapping him, punching him… hitting him in anyway NEVER even occurred to me. I was going to take that fool straight doors several flights of hundred year old concrete steps… even if I had to go with him. How is that for self-preservation? I’d rather harm myself then let him get what he wanted out of me. Something tells me there might be something seriously wrong with that.
I feel at a loss… very weirded out. That foundation on which I’ve tried to build…“treat others… the way YOU wish to be treated” how the f*ck does it apply here? A person will justify anything to excuse their behavior. The thing that creeps me out is he really felt he was RIGHT… and when a person feels they are right… there really is no stopping them. I got a view of that up close and personal. I guess that’s how racists, pedophiles, murders and rapists justify the things they do so they can sleep at night.
*sigh* I’m going to Church… I am defined by my God, and through the reflection of his image I am a beautiful spirit. I will always stumble and fall. I’ll make REALLY BAD CHOICES. I will bend… and not break because I love and I am loved in return. When someone treats me well THEY are a blessing. I knew that already, but today I guess it was reinforced… so the woman I will be…in my relationships… whether they are friendships, family, or a love… I will try to be a blessing.
I’ll try to be a blessing.
Umm… ok… THIS is different…
She stated calmly… and plainly…
“You’ve been up since 5AM…
that’s a long day…
I know you’d be tired when you get home…
so allow me to take care of you…”
Now THOSE are definitely words I’ve never heard before.
Say it again…
*whispers* ” I like it” lol