Random

You have NO idea…

Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days
Sometimes it feels like
This world’s gone crazy
Grandpa, take me back to yesterday
When the line between right and wrong
Didn’t seem so hazy

Did lovers really fall in love to stay
And stand beside each other come what may?
Was a promise really something people kept
Not just something they would say?
Did families really bow their heads to pray?
Did daddies really never go away?
Oh, Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days

Grandpa, everything is changing fast
We call it progress
But I just don’t know
And Grandpa, let’s wander back into the past
And paint me the picture
Of long ago

Did lovers really fall in love TO STAY
And stand beside each other COME WHAT MAY?
Was a promise really something people kept…
Not just something they would say AND THEN FORGET?
Did families really BOW THEIR HEADS TO PRAY?
Did daddies really NEVER GO AWAY?
Oh, Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days
Oh, Grandpa, tell me ’bout the good old days

Words and Music by Jamie O’Hara

“One of my favorites. This says sooooo much smdh…” – Nova

So yesterday was an 18 hour day… 7 of which was shooting for Tru Diva and Art of Curves. A loooong day. Running around doing make up, hair, getting styled, poked, primped, prodded, gushed over, felt up, propositioned, barked at… time check, time check, time check! Hectic… chaotic… nerve wracking… exciting… amazing… smh I loved every minute of it.

As sick as I am (damned sinus infection) I was bouncing off the walls. Up since 5AM a little weary… but  full of energy. I haven’t modeled in a couple of years…  got caught up in the day job and the nonsense of everyday life *shrugs* it happens. Sense memory is a hell of a thing…  around 2PM, when everyone was running around ‘HAIR’…. And getting frustrated ‘MAKEUP’… and shouting orders ‘THOSE AREN’T THE EARRINGS WE WANT! WHERE ARE THE EARRINGS’…  I closed my eyes.

As I stood there standing perfectly still… arms out as one set of hands moved my hair this way… then that way, as another set of hands shifted the clothes this way… then that way, as yet another set of hands slid my 6 “ gold gladiator sandals from London onto my feet, as another set of hands draped chains across my body, as a buffer brush was used to polish the make up on my face. I listened to the numerous questions, grumblings, demands and statements around me and I was taken back to my very first photo shoot… 2004… 9 years ago… wow.

Back then I was curious… didn’t really know what to do… awkward… and EXCITED lol.  In that moment yesterday I was taken back to that perfect memory… the sounds (the same)… the sights (the same)… the scents (the same)… the emotions (the same). It felt like I was home. A feeling I get when writing… when cooking… when surrounded by friends… when surrounded by family… when wrapped in my loves arms (smh she gives great hugs *sigh*)… when playing with Ely and Ivan… or when taking something apart, figuring out how it works and putting it back together again. I was HOME.

The day swept by fairly quickly… shooting for two different campaigns and updating my portfolio… we didn’t stop to eat… drink some water… wardrobe change… drink some ginger ale… makeup change… drink some more water… hair style change… drink some more ginger ale…  set change. Time check, time check, time check! Hectic… chaotic… nerve wracking… exciting… amazing… smh I loved every minute of it.

When I laid down on a bed of fur for the last set of shots… I’m relieved… we are almost done. TIME CHECK! 4:02 PM… the photographer hands me his camera as I’m sitting on the ground (on that awesome bed of fur lol) and I go through the days frames… Some are good… Some are great… some are awful lol and some are amazing… it’s the most perfect moment of the day… I’m filled with satisfaction (we got the job done)… with peace… (I made it through the day without falling over lol)… and with the overwhelming urge to call her (a need to share this perfect moment with her).

Of all the people in my life to think of… to call… to want to reach out to… smh I think of her. WTF… and as usual I’m filled with an overwhelming sadness (I miss her) and my eyes tear up.. “That’s a wrap PEOPLE!!” someone shouts and we all break out into smiles, whooping and applause. “FOOD!” I hear from the back of the studio as I hand the photographer back the camera and rise from that awesome bed of fur. A bittersweet end to an awesome day… because I can’t call her. I can’t share these moments with her. I can’t NEED her anymore… not to listen… not to be there… not to help… not to share my problems or important events in my life. No… I need to heal… to grow and to be at peace with myself, with her and with my role in my heartbreak. Maybe we can talk tomorrow… or the day after. She’ll always own a private corner in my heart… and my spirit will remain restless until the day I can reach out… I accept that maybe she’ll be receptive and maybe she wont *sigh*. All I know is I need to be a better person for myself and a better friend for her. I’m just not there yet (some insane compulsion to hug her close and kiss her face smh… I’ll get over it lol).

My friends Erin, Craig, Blacque and Nadiyah were there for me. Erin helping when requested and getting kicked off the set throughout the day lol “You are SEXY! I can’t be responsible for my actions when we get home tonight!” and “OOOOH you make loooooove to the camera!  Go head mama!” SMH a mess lol. Craig running around upon request… Blacque in charge of set design… the pictures… and concepts… and Nadiyah working with the styling. I stood there… in my bra and boy shorts… looking out at everyone in the midst of packing up the days chaos and I was filled with a sense of peace. There is LOVE in this room.

And I took a moment to say a prayer of thanks… closed my eyes and thanked God for the gifts in my life. I have the most amazing people in my life and I am twice blessed, thrice blessed (hmm how do you say 4 times blessed?) lol because everyone I’ve loved… friends, family, lovers… has been a wild assortment of the most exceptional people I’ve ever met. My heart may make take foolish risks… but never foolish choices. Every joy… every pain… every smile… every tear… has brought me to this moment. They’ve all made me better and they’ve made me stronger. There are moments of crystal clarity in every person’s life … defining moments. Dark days are coming for my family… and I’m going to need all the strength I can get.  So yes… I love my loves… all of them… and having been blessed with them as my touch stones… YES… I’m thankful.

Next stop… the runway! SMH Oh how I hate runway lol… but I’ll make it work ;-). Now… If I can just manage to figure out how NOT to make myself sick when miserable or stressed I’ll be perfect. Hmmm… now where are those antibiotics lol?  :-*

– Nova

So last month I found out my Uncle’s cancer is back… Instead of his colen this time its in his lungs. I’m making my way to see him hopefully this weekend.

So today I find out my mom may have early signs of Altzheimers smh… What do you do with that intel? I’m making arrangements to take her to get checked out myself… Considering my sister has not felt the need to keep me in the loop for some time now.

I need to get the fuck out of Jersey… Most everyone I care about is elsewhere…. so I need to be elsewhere… and ohhh am I learning the art of smoking myself numb… it actually works *shrugs*. Who knew? Lol

Life as we know it is about to change. *shrugs* Lord help me.

Someone asked the question “Do you fear being forgotten” to which I answered: “I try to make an impact on the lives of the people I care for. Even if I’m forgotten… it’s the impact that ultimately matters”.

So now I’m thinking to myself, “Self… what kind of attitude is that? Everyone wants to be remembered.” I don’t know… if I do something to make a person or their life better… listen when they need it most… feed them when they’re hungry… I’m doing it because I wanted to… because they should HAVE better… should DO better… should BE better… because they deserve it… because I love them. There is never an expectation for ANYTHING in return. I’ll listen, talk, taste, hug, pass funds, squeeze, advise, rant, laugh, joke, cry and fight with my loved ones whenever they need it… simply because they need it. Concepts like ‘thank you’ and ‘you did this for me’ are foreign to me. I don’t need those things… I just need MY people in MY life.

Should be simple… RIGHT.

I’m going to see my uncle in Boston… cancer is back on the scene… slow… progressive and frightening. There are things that need to be addressed with Mom… regarding her health… smh life as we know it is about to change.

Interestingly enough there are a select few ‘I WISH…’ would forget me. Even worse are the ones; ‘I WISH…’ I’d never met to begin with.  Yes, yes… that would be YOU… you low life thieving bitch (stay off my page… and go choke to death on a dirty dick).

It get’s to be overwhelming at times; Family problems, friend problems, lover problems, ex- lover problems, co worker problems, stranger on the street problems etc. Yesterday I had a ‘scare’ (is that what you would call it? *shrugs*).  On my way home I stood on the edge of a crowded subway platform… (the usual routine) when the headlights of the oncoming train could be seen maybe from the next station… this kid (maybe 15 or 16) takes off running in the middle of the crowd. Considering I work on Madison Ave with all of the foo foo corporate execs you could monitor the progress of this kid in the crowd (looked like the parting of the Red Sea); a black boy in the usual uniform of Timbs, Jeans, Hoodie, Bubble vest.  I don’t even know what he was running for but as the train starts pulling into to station I realize he’s heading right for me. As in FOR ME… not TOWARD ME.

So I shift to move out of his way… and shift right into the man standing directly behind me… directly behind as in ON MY AZZ. SMH the whole thing turned into one of those movie moments… the ones where everything slows down… and then shifts into high speed in brighter focus. When he reaches me… and we are eye to eye naturally he stumbles on someone’s shoe, foot, bag, (who the hell knows) and pitches to the left (right toward the train tracks) and raises his hand to steady himself… grabbing my scarf (around my neck at the time in case I didn’t mention it)… and of course his momentum started dragging my body with him TOWARD the TRACKS.

In that instant I had 4 very clear thoughts:

“Is he DRAGGING me with him onto the tracks!?”

“F*ck Outta Here… this is not gonna be some Lifetime Movie special moment… “

“He’s so young…”

“Stay off of platforms…”

Altogether I’ve lived in NYC for more years than I can count… I’ve never had an experience such as this one. I grabbed his wrist, he grabbed my wrist and we looked at each other… smh he was so young… pretty… fresh faced… with the GREENEST eyes I’ve ever seen and just as he was about to fall into the tracks… with an ‘M’ train barreling into the station they guy behind me grabbed my waist and pulled me (and this man child) backward… AWAY from the tracks and oncoming train… and as I steadied myself and started to thank the dude behind me this boy stops long enough to catch his breath right before the train doors open… he looks up at me and says “You are BEAUTIFUL!” then takes off running again. In the chaos of folks getting off the train, folks getting on I lost sight of him.

Now my mama says everything happens for a reason… and we picked this thing apart. He wasn’t running toward me… and he was obviously running from SOMETHING or SOMEONE. Almost gets us both splattered…  WTF is that? This kid almost gets himself killed (and probably me along with him) no apology… nothing… just ‘you’re beautiful’ does he not like his life?

Anyway… my point is I always SAY tomorrow is not promised. I always TRY to do the right thing by everyone else. The Devil on my shoulder is whispering things like:

“F*ck everbody else, make yourself happy.”

“You’re still young.”

“Just TRY being a b*tch for a while… you might just like it.”

“This self-assigned role of ‘being there’ for everybody? Take some time off. Let them fend for themselves… YOU have to.”

And do you know what? I think I have to.  I’m not turning into a b*tch (because really what’s the point) but I do think I need to take some time off… time off from my life and from the people in it. Family, friends, lovers, ex- lovers, co workers, strangers on the street? Right now… I want nothing to do with any of it. I think I need a reboot… recharge my batteries… because folks are still bringing me their sh*t to fix… and right now… I’ve got nothin.

My personal mantra remains the same: “I try to make an impact on the lives of the people I care for. Even if I’m forgotten… it’s the impact that ultimately matters”.  Later… this will have to be LATER. Right now? I’m shutting off.

 – Nova

I just read this and it speaks my heart right now…

“I don’t miss YOU…
I miss the person you pretended to be…

So don’t get it twisted…
FUCK YOU VERY MUCH.”

YES! Isn’t that a gem?

Amazing the impression some people choose to leave with those who bothered to treat them well.

Hmmm…

When that karma finally makes it’s way to find you… its gonna burn like Lightning… (shrugs)

Enjoy it Boo. :-*

People can only relate to that which they are capable of understanding…

Understanding is LOVE…

So…Every Day and Every Night…

I try to understand.

– NovaCSA

June 18, 2012 to September 6, 2012

I loved you for such a small little while…

You came into our lives with a bang, a bundle of energy and adventure…

You kept us all on our toes…

To Jolie you are Baby Noah…

To my mom you are… Little Bit.. and Baby Cat

To me you are just… My Little One… My Baby…

Its funny how easily and how fast pets become a part of us…

Vital and necessary…

Today with every breath my heart is breaking…

Thank you for the love you gave me.

I’ll love you always… goodbye sweetling :-*