Ranting & Raving

In 2013 I posted I Used to Love Her… http://www.novaonthemove.com/2013/10/16/i-used-to-love-her/

A blog about falling out of love with yourself and depression. I’ve been thinking a lot about this as of late, having been in relationships with women diagnosed with clinical depression or severe anxiety, having a best friend with Bi-Polar disorder and loved ones that are possibly running around undiagnosed. There is a layer of fear there that you live in…. it’s not something you can understand unless you have lived it, a constant concern for that person… are they ok… are they getting better… how long can they go on like this… do I need to get them some help… questions, always questions.

Over the last two years I took the steps to become a certified life coach, took the courses and absorbed the material… I wanted to help people. then life happened… sick relatives, a bad beak up, my own weird illness, moving, work… blah, blah blah… so I haven’t taken the official exam. I still want to help people, I’m just not sure what that looks like in this new reality TODAY.

I am at a peaceful phase in my life; work is a misery, dating and relationships are hit or miss, my friends are A*M*A*Z*I*N*G truly one of the greatest blessings I have and my family is back on track. I’ve reconciled with my sister, my mom is doing well, my niece is heading to college… there is a lightness here that has not been attainable for years. Don’t get me wrong, everyone is still insane… EVERYONE… and yes, I am counted in that number, but it doesn’t matter. I am in a still phase, the waters run deep and while I have storms raging within me I find solace in faith, family and love.

Have you ever listened to Logic’s song 800-273-8255? That is the actual telephone number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. There are several important people in my life that have contemplated suicide. I wish I could say it never crossed my own mind but I would be lying. Please do not jump to conclusions, mine was a passing thought not given much contemplation… something more common than people will admit. Sadly, that seed, that line of thinking is easy to fall into… as easy as breathing. Sometimes you want to stop and just be still, to hear nothing, look at nothing… to FEEL nothing.

I enjoy my alone time; self-contemplation is not practiced as much as it should be. We are taught that God is love and I believe in love. I believe understanding IS love so I try to understand. I believe to love another person is to see the face of God. I see his hand in all aspects of my life, in all of decisions I have made and in all of the outcomes. Taking these things into consideration when ‘coaching’ someone, using the tools I have learned to ‘hear’ someone, and working for the betterment of another human being is an amazing experience. I am propping my loves up, listening, giving advise as needed, passing out tissues when needed and helping to shoulder their burdens. It just takes a toll though, I have my dark days like everyone else.

Last night one of my friends said to me “you never unload on me”, and of course I asked her what she meant… “You never unload on me… I unload on you all the time, but you never unload on me. There are days I know you are stressed, or hurting and I unload on you… I know I shouldn’t because you are obviously struggling but I can’t help myself, but you never unload on me. You just sit and listen, give me advice and a kick in the azz when I need it, but you never unload on me.” I’d like to say that I vented then, but I would be lying, the answer is simple really, it’s just how I am built.

I’m an empathetic person not sympathetic, most people do not understand the difference so I will explain starting with the definitions:

Sympathy – feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune

Empathy – the ability to understand and share the feelings of another

I wish I could say I felt bad for how bad other people feel, but I don’t. Instead I work to understand how they feel as they do and ultimately come to terms with sharing in some of that feeling. People think me cold and uncaring because I am not warm and fuzzy. I don’t really know how to address that except to say I love hard and I always try to understand where people are coming from, if that makes me cold… well then, I guess you are entitled to your opinion.

I unload plenty, through writing and reading and music and travel, and bookstores… Lord how I love bookstores (and libraries) … they have always felt like another form of Church to me. It seems like the older I get I go through long periods without putting pen to paper, which for me is a bit dangerous because it just means everything I have been taking in I have not been releasing. Even in my most burdened state I still try to BE there for my loved ones. It always catches up to me though… I get sick or just tired, or sick and tired. There are days I can’t or don’t want to get out of bed. Some of this I wrote, and erased, wrote again and re-worded.

There is guilt in feeling vulnerable, tired and having your choices taken from you. We all want to be brave, we all want to be strong but really… sometimes we need to break down before we can rebuild our selves stronger, and I so desperately want to be strong.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this, having been in relationships with women diagnosed with clinical depression or severe anxiety, having a best friend with Bi-Polar disorder and loved ones that are possibly running around undiagnosed. There is a layer of fear there that I live in… more people live in it than we realize, a constant concern for their loved ones… are they ok… are they getting better… how long can they go on like this… do I need to get them some help… questions, always questions.  In the past year 2 friends of mine have discussed contemplating taking their own lives.

I wish I could say I talked them off of the ledge, that I made them see the light and had them counting their blessings (because really, they are blessed), but I can’t. I doubt much of what I have to say is acually useful but I do try to listen, and will continue to listen. Have you ever heard Logic’s song 800-273-8255? That is the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. We never really know what someone is going through so try compassion as a default. The road to Self Love is not easy, it takes work and more effort than almost everything else in life. It starts with talking… talk, talk and keep talking. If there isn’t anyone there to listen… no one to hold your hand or hold you tight, find a phone… please use it.

 – NovaCSA

(rough draft, still have some more thinking to do)

Introspective, that’s me… self-awareness… that’s the key. I haven’t written in a while so this is going to be a random rant, possibly confusing and definitely all over the place.

I spend so much time looking inward, checking in, seeing how I feel, and working to understand why I did this or that. I’ve looked inside of myself for so long, well… I can actually say I no longer have any idea what I’m looking at. I trust my instincts, or at least I used to and I am honest with myself… brutally. It’s amazing how much outside influences affect us, shape us… change us. Bridget Jones, the character Hannah from the HBO series GIRLS, the character Alice Pieszecki from the Showtime series The L Word and of course the character J from the web series Awkward Black Girl… these are the touchstones I find relatable. They are all variations of wild, rude, impulsive and yes, awkward… versions of me.

I am a black, lesbian with weight issues… wicked smart, dumb as a brick and wildly foolish. I give of myself to the ones I care about. I work hard, play hard and love with everything inside of me. I am difficult, independent, strong willed, not easily read or relatable. Did I say difficult? I can see 40 bearing down on me and find myself learning lessons now that I should have learned a long time ago. People will look at you and judge you… they will speak with you and decide whether you are worth their effort or not. The truth is many will find you lacking; no matter what you do for them, no matter how much you give to them and no matter how well you treat them.

My family loves me… they accept me exactly as I am. We don’t always get along and they don’t really like me much (What? I said I was honest) and we don’t usually understand each other. My friends… now they get me, they have the uncanny way of pushing me to always keep trying, they dig deep and pull out the best of me. Lovers… well lovers are a whole other story.

I have heard a few things to consider lately… “Stop dating people who are beneath you”, “Stop giving people so many chances”, “Stop giving so much of yourself”, “Stop giving people the opportunity to hurt you” and “Only date someone who loves you more than you love them.” Almost everyone close to me keeps telling me I need to find someone who can ‘do for me’, someone who can buy me nice things, take me nice places… someone who is financially my equal (or better). The truth is I have never looked at dating from that point of view… I’ve always said I don’t mind if you are a janitor, but you should WANT to own the broom. I work hard to make my own money and buy myself and those that I care for nice things. I ask for equal EFFORT, not money… I ask for affection and LOYALTY, not disinterest and lukewarm sentiment. I only ask for someone who sees me and accepts me flaws and all. I don’t think that is asking for too much.

These days I find something as simple as a hug can change the course of my whole day. My family is not an affectionate bunch, hugs were rare… hearing “I love you” rarer still (nonexistent really) and my first picture with my mom was my junior high graduation. So yes… the one that will hug me; close, tight, long and often… that’s the one I will marry. HUGS (and kisses on the forehead) are magic. Years ago I looked in the mirror and did not like the person that was looking back at me. While I am not quite there yet I find myself looking back into that dark place… where it’s isolated and comfortable. I find myself surrounded by people suffering from anxiety, and I work to put them at ease. That’s important to me… having the ones I care for at ease.  

Oddly enough the past few years I have made new friends (that stabbed me in the back), had lovers that lied to me, stole from me, cheated on me, accused me of cheating on them, used me, discarded me for being; too blunt, too open, to serious, too standoffish, too independent, too abrupt, too insensitive, too overweight, to easy going. “You make things too easy for me” was the single most life altering thing my most recent ex ever said to me. Constantly being put in the position to prove yourself to those who would use you and bleed you dry is exhausting.  

So I am on a journey… funny how much people say that.

– NovaCSA

Why do lesbians (women who are attracted to other women) date women who look like men?

In my spare online entertainment moments I run across this question quite a bit. It is one of those ‘hot button’ issues that sparks both animosity and controversy. You can watch an intelligent conversation between a group of people devolve quickly with just a few clicks of the mouse and some tapping of happy fingers on an unknown keyboard.

We spend so much time baiting each other online for something we really have no control over… something where ultimately our individual opinions DO NOT matter. Being lesbian, gay, transgender etc. does not add or take away from the quality of life someone lives, it does not limit a persons contributions to this world and it is not a reflection of a person’s character.  Shouldn’t we know these things already? You know… given that the  masses of straight folks are created equal and are all saints and such.

For those of you that missed it… that was sarcasm.

To be clear… not all lesbians are closeted bisexuals, not all lesbians were sexually abused, not all lesbians hate men, not all lesbians CHOOSE to be lesbians and no… LESBIANS are not confused.

They can love men and everything a real man stands for without wanting anything more than friendship, an appreciation for a father, uncle, or brother figure and affection for a son. Lesbians can and sometimes actually do love men. They just do not connect with them on a romantic or sexual level. That does not automatically make men ‘less than’ to them it just makes a man an inappropriate choice for a partner… if anyone cares about happiness.

Simply put, while a woman may appreciate masculine attributes she may not be mentally, sexually or emotionally stimulated by a man.

Masculine identified women (those more comfortable appearing or behaving as less feminine than the average woman) may appear masculine due to the window dressing of their wardrobe but it is their nature that is appealing to a feminine woman and in some cases… a not so feminine woman. They tend to be attentive and respectful of their partners in a way most men will never understand because they have being a woman in common.

We hear men in ‘straight’ relationships complain all the time about ‘chick flicks’ and other girly things their women try to make them do. With a not so feminine woman the attraction may be kindred spirits, or the appreciation of their nature or ‘like attracts like’. With a Feminine and Masculine lesbian dynamic that ‘something extra’ straight women look for is already there… because despite the masculine wardrobe her love interest… IS STILL A WOMAN.

There is no “choosing” involved, no matter what a man is bringing to the table a lesbian’s preference would not just magically change. It wouldn’t matter if any man had those afore mentioned things. She would still want a woman. It may be a choice for some but for others (the ones I have heard people classify as ‘real lesbians’) men are just not an option, they are not desired and they could never meet the needs of a woman that loves and desires other women in that way. They know what they want and they are very clear about it… it’s not MEN.

I respect the fact that it just doesn’t make sense to many, however… how often does anything to do with love and relationships actually make sense?

It is easy to throw religion at a question or problem one simply can’t figure out or wrap their heads around. Name calling is easy as well, even violence is easy… but understanding that requires patience, and a willingness to learn about something outside of your comfort zone? So how about maybe not necessarily trying to understand it… why not just respect someone else’s choices?

That’s the stuff greatness is made of.

– NovaCSA

I haven’t written a word in a long time. It’s been almost one year since I’ve put my thoughts down to paper. In that year I managed to finally see the end of years of credit card debt, was promoted at work, met a new love, strained my relationship with my sister, lost my cat of 18 years, lost my dog of 10 years and went back to school. Pretty much discovering the best and the worst of me in a 19 month time span. The truth of the matter is sometimes my world goes dark. Whatever muse I carry with me takes some time to rest or silently watch me make a disaster out of my life. One of my best friends says creativity is a gift from God. I wonder if God takes such blessing back though. When I feel a lack of inspiration, is it life getting in the way or has God simply stopped speaking to me? Some writers never find that spark again.

This past year though? A roller coaster of emotions; joy, anger, fear, faith, loss, love and disappointment… a lot of love and a lot disappointment. I learned so much from my most recent relationship, how to be loved, how to allow myself to be loved, and to make peace with the insecurities I was holding onto. I*N*S*E*C*U*R*I*T*I*E*S… we all have them that is certain. It’s not a question of what they are so much as a question of how much power do we choose to give them over our lives.

Now I have plenty of issues, and I try to work on them. Some days are more successful than others. I’m an analytical mind… always trying to figure things out. Growing up I remember determining how to take the entire back casing off of the big tube TV in the living room, the one that was some weird kind of ‘all in one cabinet/shelf TV’ hybrid. It looks amazingly like the one in the picture. You would think the back would be the same hard brown wood as the rest of it, well it wasn’t. I would wait till I was alone and then I would shake and shift that thing until I had enough space to sit behind it. I worked on that thing for what felt like weeks maybe months (now take into consideration that a couple of days felt like a week to a child). When I finally had it open I touched everything, the wires, the boards, the tubing… everything. I did the same with the VCR, took a screwdriver to it until I had it in pieces. All plugged in and not once electrocuted. God definitely protects fools and babies.

I wish I could say I’ve outgrown my curious side. The need to always understand everything, but I would be lying. Something I’m neither good at or have the energy to do. When I was 24 I started saying “Understanding IS Love, so I try to understand” and I tell myself that every day. I’m a people watcher, observing how they behave, the things they say and most especially the things they do to each other. There is a need for me to figure out how a person thinks. Once you understand that it is easier to know what drives them, what makes them tick and why they ultimately do all of the things they do. I kind of feel like understanding people and situations helps me to provide better. To better answer questions like, “what do I need to do for the ones I love most? What do I need to do to excel at work (clearly quality and dedication aren’t it lol), and what do I need to do… to be a better person for the people in my life?” Applying this concept to people I care about and situations that are important to me… almost impossible though as I can sometimes just fall prey to being too close to the situation. I’ll keep trying though… Faith, Family, Friends and Career… I will always try to understand.

On Dating and Relationships… I remember the exact moment I started to fall for my ex. It was late in the evening and we were walking to the train station and about to cross the street, I started across just as a car speeded into the cross walk. She grabbed my arm to stop me while stepping in front of me… Magic. Just like that the light went on. We spend so much of our time trying to figure out what we want in a partner, only to end up discovering things we need that we never would have imagined before. So many things became clear to me in this past situation. I’m told I’m a giver by nature but what does that even mean? I was raised to have the best of the best or nothing. To expect and work for the best of everything but also to acknowledge when the fruits of my labor may result in just that… nothing. Acceptance though, not an option. A relationship should be a partnership. I always hear folks talking about what THEY bring to the table. Seems to me no one acknowledges that not everyone has a place at the table, even when you want them to… and we can’t all bring exactly the same thing. After all… a table full of potatoes is in no way a meal, it’s just a table full of potatoes. We need to both bring things worth eating; nourishment for the mind, body and spirit that will both strengthen us as individuals and help us to be better IN partnership.

Failure is a fact of life and I have no fear of failing. If I am qualified or something is meant for me than I will have it. Strength to me is the ability to keep going, to always pick yourself up when you fall. Take help when it is offered (which I still struggle with) and to give help to others when it is within your power. Treating others in exactly the way I need to be treated. This isn’t an expectation or a requirement for me, it just is.

I do shut down though and those are the moments I’m the most self-reflective. I don’t ever look at anyone the way I look at myself. I can come across as rude and abrasive but the simple truth is… well just that, the simple truth. I don’t sugar coat anything, I just speak. I try to find ways to express myself that don’t come across as judgmental or insensitive but some things in life will always push those buttons in others, whether that’s how they were meant or not. The easiest way for me to maintain clarity in any given situation is to mean exactly what I say. No half stepping, no backsies, no double talk, and that is what I find unnerves folks most… HONESTY.

I want to be a wife, a mom, a mogul, a guru…

The wife part… well whatever happens… happens. I used to say I had to be married to have kids. No more, I now find myself unwilling to give up on the life I want or my future children, for a wife/life partner that may never show her face. Yes, I’m a romantic but I’m also realistic. That great romance and love that movies and books are written about… doesn’t happen for everyone. So I work on me, for me to always be better than I was yesterday. To learn things I don’t know, to step out of my comfort zone, to try for being nice and kindness instead of my default ‘I don’t give a f*ck’ attitude’, to keep an open mind and to respect when someone cares about me. I think it’s easy to come up with a list of requirements for the relationships in our lives but I want to deserve my future wife, to deserve my future children. To be someone they love, someone worthy of their respect, to be someone they admire. That’s the end game, trying to be who God intended me to be no more, no less.

Now I tell everyone I am the black Bridget Jones, I relate way too much to the character Hannah in the HBO series GIRLS, Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds, Fiona on ShowTime’s Shameless and yes I have my own Emergency Plan for any possible upcoming Zombie Apocalypse. I am Pippi Longstocking, Amelia Bedelia, Encyclopedia Brown, and Nancy Drew… and why the hell not? If you don’t know those names you would definitely benefit from looking them up. I believe in God and in Magic, and Dragons and Miracles. Isn’t God in all of us? Aren’t we each the magic, the dragons and the miracles that dreams are made of? I’m a flawed being, I own that. I think I just wish that the world was full of less talkers and more doers. Work on yourself, make sure your choices are always your own and have a purpose. It would be so easy for me to try to fit into a cookie cutter box that would put everyone at ease, make me seem less threatening, make it easier to put me on a shelf and pass me by or just plain forget me. Life isn’t easy though and I find neither am I. I embrace my issues and continue to work on them. CSA… Crazy, Sexy, Amazing, I’m a constant work in progress… and I’m ok with that.

Just remember… I’m only human and work toward being a better person every day. Understanding IS love… (myself, my loves, and everything else) so I will always, always try to understand.

… and just like that, I’m writing again.

– Nova CSA

My most recent Ex pointed out that while I write about everything, I haven’t written about our breakup. She’s right I suppose. So here goes…

I’ve always thought that ‘the one’ would present herself as friend first, lover second. I’ve been reckless and irresponsible with matters of the heart. Trusting blindly and caring with no safety net. It’s interesting how many state they want someone ‘all in’ to sweep them off of their feet and claim them. Yet when presented with it… 1 million and 99 reasons crop up to stop all progress. They trust not at all and wrap themselves in protective gear.

It’s interesting how many think me an oddity because I am not in love with love. I am not running the streets… I’m not randomly bedding down with just anyone who pays me attention. It’s sad to see how many think me indifferent or cold because my life is not centered in my relationship status. I have goals, I dream big and often. I work on MYSELF daily because I am trying to be the person I was born to be, the person God intended and yes I strive to be someone worthy of that ‘one’ everyone is always talking about.

Bitterness is easy… accountability is much harder. I finally figured out that I’ve never made anyone EARN me. Earn my respect, my loyalty, my trust… my love. I treat others in all of the ways I wish to be treated. I’ve loved truly, madly and deeply… and I can say the ones on the receiving end either didn’t deserve it or they didn’t want it. I take ownership of my flaws… of which there are many. I take people at face value… which is my biggest mistake… over and over again. The world is full of predators, deceivers, users and folks with such a low sense of self-worth that they need for you to dim your light in order to feel good about themselves.

Anger is easy… acceptance is much harder. I’ve heard so many different variations of ‘you need to change, you are not enough’ that actually it’s starting to become funny to me. Too tall, too short, too smart, too uneducated, too silly, too serious, too mean, too nice, too far, too close, to indifferent, too clingy, too predictable, too unpredictable, too responsible, too irresponsible, too feminine, too masculine, too aggressive, to submissive, too black, and my personal favorite… not black enough.

Now I need you to take this in its proper perspective.  If I was a lesser being… that list… would have driven me insane a very long time ago. If I was one of these basic women out here I would have every complex known to man. If I was a sad excuse for a person I would pass all of that bile onto others. Instead… I treat others in the way I wish to be treated. Silly me.

I’ve always prided myself on my intelligence… beauty is subjective. I could even say I’m a good person… but that’s a matter of opinion and I’m sure there are people roaming this Earth who would vehemently argue that point. I could curl into a ball and sing ‘woe is me’… but to what end? I have loved completely. I’ve been loved and well.  What do you say when you are told you didn’t give enough, try enough, do enough… you just are NOT… enough and never will be?

I’ve always thought that I would present myself as friend first, lover second. I’ve been reckless and irresponsible with matters of the heart. Trusting blindly and caring with no safety net. I have no desire to sweep anyone off of their feet and I’m not sure I have enough of that romantic whimsy to put the effort in to be ‘all in’ or to claim anyone. When presented with it… 1 million and 99 reasons will crop up to stop all progress. So I’ll trust not at all and wrap myself in protective gear. After all it works so well for everyone else.

It’s interesting how many think me an oddity because I am not in love with love. I am not running the streets… I’m not randomly bedding down with anyone who pays me a little bit of attention. It’s crazy to see how many think me indifferent and cold because my life does not revolve around my relationship status. I have goals, I dream big and I dream often. I will continue to work on MYSELF daily because I am trying to be the person I was born to be, the person God intended. Yes, I used to focus on being someone worthy of that special ‘one’ everyone is always talking about but now my focus is on that ‘one’ being worthy of ME.

Ladies… stop turning every conversation into a discussion about finding a partner. Build yourselves up and take care of yourselves. I’ve finally learned that with God’s help I am ultimately responsible for protecting MYSELF. Nothing and no one else can or will ever do it. I never believed in ‘knights in shining armor’ anyway as I had no need and no desire to be rescued… but secretly I hoped that someone would WANT to be that for me… even if I didn’t need it… ESPECIALLY because I didn’t need it. Yes… silly me.

I’m told regularly I’m indifferent, I don’t care, I’m not invested, I’m cold, I’m unfeeling blah blah blah… stop talking about it. I don’t even know how to respond to any of that, because seriously… I’ve got nothing. My world would be a better place if random women were not constantly turning every conversation into ‘I have someone for you, why are you single, you’ll find someone’. Seriously… give it a rest already.

For those that didn’t want me, I’m ok with that. For those that walked away… maybe ran, thank you. For those I didn’t want… I’m sorry, seems as if that always happens when it shouldn’t. For those I walked away from… maybe ran, be honest… you are breathing a tremendous sigh of relief lol. At the risk of sounding detached I submit this to my most recent ex and anyone else who thinks they know me. I am a deeply flawed person. If I’ve disappointed you than I am sorry.

When asked in the past I always said I believe in God…  I always said I believe in love. Ask me now I will say I believe in God.

God is love.

– NovaCSA

When we make the same bad choices over and over again…

it is not a mistake…

It’s a DECISION!

 – Nova

… and yes…

Being HONEST

with YOURSELF…

is a BITCH!!!

 – Nova

Some days I wake up and all I want is to curl up like a ball in the fetal position… covers over my head… the world… on pause.

Other days I want to be curled up around my babe… touching her… her touching me… our bodies covering each other… the world… on pause.

Most days I open my eyes… take the first breath of the day as life comes back into sharp focus… thank God for another day… thank God for the gifts in my life… and wishing I could stay warm… and SAFE for another five minutes… the world… on pause.

I miss her… she was funny… and kind. She was fearless… adventurous… without a care in the world. She approached life with enthusiasm. She had a healthy respect for life and the events that take place to shape a person either into the person they are… or the person they are meant to be.

I miss her… she believed in people… in love… in doing the right thing… she had an abundance of FAITH… faith in people, situations, God and herself. She was a fighter… a soldier… a warrior woman… descendant of FIGHTERS… descendant of SOLDIERS… descendant of WARRIOR WOMEN.

I miss her… she was strong and powerful, her energy burning hot and wild like… liquid lightening,  her spirit burning bright… bright like all of the stars… in perfect communion. She used to make me feel safe. I was safe… because I had her with me always.

Some days I wake up and all I want is to curl up like a ball in the fetal position… covers over my head… the world… on pause.

Other days I want to be curled up around my babe… touching her… her touching me… our bodies covering each other… the world… on pause.

Most days I open my eyes… take that first long breath of life as the day comes into sharp focus… thanking God for another day… thanking God for the gifts in my life… and wishing I knew I might FEEL warm… and FEEL safe at some point… the world… on pause.

I lost her… humor… kindness… and now I’m just fearful… cautious… with every care in the world. I approach life with a baseball bat. I have a healthy respect for life and the events that take place to shape a person either into the person they are… or the person they should have never been.

I lost her… her belief in people… in love… in doing the right thing… her abundance of FAITH… faith in people, situations, God and herself. She was a fighter… a soldier… a warrior woman… descendant of FIGHTERS… descendant of SOLDIERS… descendant of WARRIOR WOMEN.

I lost her… her strength and power, her energy burning hot and wild like… liquid lightening, her spirit burning bright… bright like all of the stars… in perfect communion. I used to make her feel safe. She was safe… because she had me with her always.

Some days I wake up and all I want is to curl up like a ball in the fetal position… covers over my head… the world… on pause.

Other days I want to be curled up around my babe… touching her… her touching me… our bodies covering each other… the world… on pause.

Most days I open my eyes… take a long and hard breath as my life comes into bright and sharp focus… struggling to thank God for another day… struggling to thank God for the gifts in my life… wishing I could FEEL warm… wishing I could FEEL safe… wishing the world… on pause.

I used to love her…

Pay attention…

This is what falling out of love with yourself looks like.

Depression is REAL… know the signs.  Educate yourself… it is common and too often ignored.

Protect yourself and your loved ones.

–          NovaCSA

Facts About Depression:

Symptoms and Getting Help:

(originally posted 8/29/12)

I grew up on movies like The Sound of Music, It’s a Wonderful Life, The Wizard of Oz, Miracle on 34th Street and Grease. My TV shows consisted of The Little Rascals, Mr. Ed, Good Times, Adam’s Family, Silver Spoons, I Dream of Jeanie, All in the Family, The Jefferson’s, Punky Brewster, Family Ties, I Love Lucy, Bewitched, The Muensters, Different Strokes and the Cosby Show. REAL TV in an era where parents were just discovering the art of television as a babysitter.

I grew up Climbing Trees, Riding Bikes, making Snow Angel’s, and had scabby knees.   Playing Double Dutch, Hop Scotch, Hide and Seek, Red Light Green Light and Freeze Tag.  In an era when children could talk to their neighbors, go into their houses… and return home in time for dinner untouched… and safe.

Every morning before school my mom would hand me two things, my lunchbox and my coffee, (heavy on the milk and sugar). We sat down together for breakfast and dinner as a family every morning, every night.  In an era when children could walk a few blocks to school alone… and return home in the afternoon unhurt and ready to play.

I made mud pies, camped under a sheet in my bedroom, played games like Uno, Connect Four and Operation. I had a Cabbage Patch Kid, a Barbie collection, a stack of coloring books, and wore candy jewelry. I used to wake with the sun on Saturday mornings for cartoons. Cartoons on EVERY channel! ALL DAY… in a time when TV Stations competed for parental approval and the love… of children. Do you remember Kids Incorporated… and After School Specials?  I left my house in the early afternoon and played outside with my mom’s voice ringing through my head, ”Be home before the sun goes down.”

I was a Latchkey Kid… Thunder Cats, Heathcliff, Woody Wood Pecker, Scooby Doo, The Jetson’s, Garfield, Josie and the Pussy Cats, Goldie Gold, Richie Rich, Voltron, Transformers, The Snorks, Popeye, CARE BEARS! Spiderman and His Amazing Friends (Fire Star…. Mmmnnnn…) The SMURFS! Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Amelia Bedilia, ENCYCLOPEDIA BROWN! Do you remember Encyclopedia Brown?!!!

Today I live in an era where it’s hit or miss when you turn on the TV.  Shows like the ‘Secret Life of an American Teenager’ are being watched by little girls learning how to be promiscuous and compare sexual partners. People are getting naked now at 7 PM, on Reality TV… pretty much right after the news and shows like Jersey Shore glorify low self esteem and bad behavior. In a time when a child can see you reading a book and ask in amazement…”you’re reading… for FUN?!” Come on people… really?  When did we start living for Shock Value and stop caring about the MESSAGE?

I had a truly awesome childhood. Family Value’s… FRIENDSHIP… love of self… respect for others… and the Encouragement… of IMAGINATION! If it all starts at home… what are we giving our children now? I grew up in a time when telling a story mattered, when entertainment was less important or impressive than the LESSON or the MORAL of the story.

I was taught by my Television Baby Sitter and my neighborhood what it was to CHEER for an underdog…

I was taught by family and circumstance what it felt like to BE an underdog…

What the f*ck happened?

– Nova