I haven’t written a word in a long time. It’s been almost one year since I’ve put my thoughts down to paper. In that year I managed to finally see the end of years of credit card debt, was promoted at work, met a new love, strained my relationship with my sister, lost my cat of 18 years, lost my dog of 10 years and went back to school. Pretty much discovering the best and the worst of me in a 19 month time span. The truth of the matter is sometimes my world goes dark. Whatever muse I carry with me takes some time to rest or silently watch me make a disaster out of my life. One of my best friends says creativity is a gift from God. I wonder if God takes such blessing back though. When I feel a lack of inspiration, is it life getting in the way or has God simply stopped speaking to me? Some writers never find that spark again.
This past year though? A roller coaster of emotions; joy, anger, fear, faith, loss, love and disappointment… a lot of love and a lot disappointment. I learned so much from my most recent relationship, how to be loved, how to allow myself to be loved, and to make peace with the insecurities I was holding onto. I*N*S*E*C*U*R*I*T*I*E*S… we all have them that is certain. It’s not a question of what they are so much as a question of how much power do we choose to give them over our lives.
Now I have plenty of issues, and I try to work on them. Some days are more successful than others. I’m an analytical mind… always trying to figure things out. Growing up I remember determining how to take the entire back casing off of the big tube TV in the living room, the one that was some weird kind of ‘all in one cabinet/shelf TV’ hybrid. It looks amazingly like the one in the picture. You would think the back would be the same hard brown wood as the rest of it, well it wasn’t. I would wait till I was alone and then I would shake and shift that thing until I had enough space to sit behind it. I worked on that thing for what felt like weeks maybe months (now take into consideration that a couple of days felt like a week to a child). When I finally had it open I touched everything, the wires, the boards, the tubing… everything. I did the same with the VCR, took a screwdriver to it until I had it in pieces. All plugged in and not once electrocuted. God definitely protects fools and babies.
I wish I could say I’ve outgrown my curious side. The need to always understand everything, but I would be lying. Something I’m neither good at or have the energy to do. When I was 24 I started saying “Understanding IS Love, so I try to understand” and I tell myself that every day. I’m a people watcher, observing how they behave, the things they say and most especially the things they do to each other. There is a need for me to figure out how a person thinks. Once you understand that it is easier to know what drives them, what makes them tick and why they ultimately do all of the things they do. I kind of feel like understanding people and situations helps me to provide better. To better answer questions like, “what do I need to do for the ones I love most? What do I need to do to excel at work (clearly quality and dedication aren’t it lol), and what do I need to do… to be a better person for the people in my life?” Applying this concept to people I care about and situations that are important to me… almost impossible though as I can sometimes just fall prey to being too close to the situation. I’ll keep trying though… Faith, Family, Friends and Career… I will always try to understand.
On Dating and Relationships… I remember the exact moment I started to fall for my ex. It was late in the evening and we were walking to the train station and about to cross the street, I started across just as a car speeded into the cross walk. She grabbed my arm to stop me while stepping in front of me… Magic. Just like that the light went on. We spend so much of our time trying to figure out what we want in a partner, only to end up discovering things we need that we never would have imagined before. So many things became clear to me in this past situation. I’m told I’m a giver by nature but what does that even mean? I was raised to have the best of the best or nothing. To expect and work for the best of everything but also to acknowledge when the fruits of my labor may result in just that… nothing. Acceptance though, not an option. A relationship should be a partnership. I always hear folks talking about what THEY bring to the table. Seems to me no one acknowledges that not everyone has a place at the table, even when you want them to… and we can’t all bring exactly the same thing. After all… a table full of potatoes is in no way a meal, it’s just a table full of potatoes. We need to both bring things worth eating; nourishment for the mind, body and spirit that will both strengthen us as individuals and help us to be better IN partnership.
Failure is a fact of life and I have no fear of failing. If I am qualified or something is meant for me than I will have it. Strength to me is the ability to keep going, to always pick yourself up when you fall. Take help when it is offered (which I still struggle with) and to give help to others when it is within your power. Treating others in exactly the way I need to be treated. This isn’t an expectation or a requirement for me, it just is.
I do shut down though and those are the moments I’m the most self-reflective. I don’t ever look at anyone the way I look at myself. I can come across as rude and abrasive but the simple truth is… well just that, the simple truth. I don’t sugar coat anything, I just speak. I try to find ways to express myself that don’t come across as judgmental or insensitive but some things in life will always push those buttons in others, whether that’s how they were meant or not. The easiest way for me to maintain clarity in any given situation is to mean exactly what I say. No half stepping, no backsies, no double talk, and that is what I find unnerves folks most… HONESTY.
I want to be a wife, a mom, a mogul, a guru…
The wife part… well whatever happens… happens. I used to say I had to be married to have kids. No more, I now find myself unwilling to give up on the life I want or my future children, for a wife/life partner that may never show her face. Yes, I’m a romantic but I’m also realistic. That great romance and love that movies and books are written about… doesn’t happen for everyone. So I work on me, for me to always be better than I was yesterday. To learn things I don’t know, to step out of my comfort zone, to try for being nice and kindness instead of my default ‘I don’t give a f*ck’ attitude’, to keep an open mind and to respect when someone cares about me. I think it’s easy to come up with a list of requirements for the relationships in our lives but I want to deserve my future wife, to deserve my future children. To be someone they love, someone worthy of their respect, to be someone they admire. That’s the end game, trying to be who God intended me to be no more, no less.
Now I tell everyone I am the black Bridget Jones, I relate way too much to the character Hannah in the HBO series GIRLS, Penelope Garcia on Criminal Minds, Fiona on ShowTime’s Shameless and yes I have my own Emergency Plan for any possible upcoming Zombie Apocalypse. I am Pippi Longstocking, Amelia Bedelia, Encyclopedia Brown, and Nancy Drew… and why the hell not? If you don’t know those names you would definitely benefit from looking them up. I believe in God and in Magic, and Dragons and Miracles. Isn’t God in all of us? Aren’t we each the magic, the dragons and the miracles that dreams are made of? I’m a flawed being, I own that. I think I just wish that the world was full of less talkers and more doers. Work on yourself, make sure your choices are always your own and have a purpose. It would be so easy for me to try to fit into a cookie cutter box that would put everyone at ease, make me seem less threatening, make it easier to put me on a shelf and pass me by or just plain forget me. Life isn’t easy though and I find neither am I. I embrace my issues and continue to work on them. CSA… Crazy, Sexy, Amazing, I’m a constant work in progress… and I’m ok with that.
Just remember… I’m only human and work toward being a better person every day. Understanding IS love… (myself, my loves, and everything else) so I will always, always try to understand.
… and just like that, I’m writing again.
– Nova CSA
My most recent Ex pointed out that while I write about everything, I haven’t written about our breakup. She’s right I suppose. So here goes…
I’ve always thought that ‘the one’ would present herself as friend first, lover second. I’ve been reckless and irresponsible with matters of the heart. Trusting blindly and caring with no safety net. It’s interesting how many state they want someone ‘all in’ to sweep them off of their feet and claim them. Yet when presented with it… 1 million and 99 reasons crop up to stop all progress. They trust not at all and wrap themselves in protective gear.
It’s interesting how many think me an oddity because I am not in love with love. I am not running the streets… I’m not randomly bedding down with just anyone who pays me attention. It’s sad to see how many think me indifferent or cold because my life is not centered in my relationship status. I have goals, I dream big and often. I work on MYSELF daily because I am trying to be the person I was born to be, the person God intended and yes I strive to be someone worthy of that ‘one’ everyone is always talking about.
Bitterness is easy… accountability is much harder. I finally figured out that I’ve never made anyone EARN me. Earn my respect, my loyalty, my trust… my love. I treat others in all of the ways I wish to be treated. I’ve loved truly, madly and deeply… and I can say the ones on the receiving end either didn’t deserve it or they didn’t want it. I take ownership of my flaws… of which there are many. I take people at face value… which is my biggest mistake… over and over again. The world is full of predators, deceivers, users and folks with such a low sense of self-worth that they need for you to dim your light in order to feel good about themselves.
Anger is easy… acceptance is much harder. I’ve heard so many different variations of ‘you need to change, you are not enough’ that actually it’s starting to become funny to me. Too tall, too short, too smart, too uneducated, too silly, too serious, too mean, too nice, too far, too close, to indifferent, too clingy, too predictable, too unpredictable, too responsible, too irresponsible, too feminine, too masculine, too aggressive, to submissive, too black, and my personal favorite… not black enough.
Now I need you to take this in its proper perspective. If I was a lesser being… that list… would have driven me insane a very long time ago. If I was one of these basic women out here I would have every complex known to man. If I was a sad excuse for a person I would pass all of that bile onto others. Instead… I treat others in the way I wish to be treated. Silly me.
I’ve always prided myself on my intelligence… beauty is subjective. I could even say I’m a good person… but that’s a matter of opinion and I’m sure there are people roaming this Earth who would vehemently argue that point. I could curl into a ball and sing ‘woe is me’… but to what end? I have loved completely. I’ve been loved and well. What do you say when you are told you didn’t give enough, try enough, do enough… you just are NOT… enough and never will be?
I’ve always thought that I would present myself as friend first, lover second. I’ve been reckless and irresponsible with matters of the heart. Trusting blindly and caring with no safety net. I have no desire to sweep anyone off of their feet and I’m not sure I have enough of that romantic whimsy to put the effort in to be ‘all in’ or to claim anyone. When presented with it… 1 million and 99 reasons will crop up to stop all progress. So I’ll trust not at all and wrap myself in protective gear. After all it works so well for everyone else.
It’s interesting how many think me an oddity because I am not in love with love. I am not running the streets… I’m not randomly bedding down with anyone who pays me a little bit of attention. It’s crazy to see how many think me indifferent and cold because my life does not revolve around my relationship status. I have goals, I dream big and I dream often. I will continue to work on MYSELF daily because I am trying to be the person I was born to be, the person God intended. Yes, I used to focus on being someone worthy of that special ‘one’ everyone is always talking about but now my focus is on that ‘one’ being worthy of ME.
Ladies… stop turning every conversation into a discussion about finding a partner. Build yourselves up and take care of yourselves. I’ve finally learned that with God’s help I am ultimately responsible for protecting MYSELF. Nothing and no one else can or will ever do it. I never believed in ‘knights in shining armor’ anyway as I had no need and no desire to be rescued… but secretly I hoped that someone would WANT to be that for me… even if I didn’t need it… ESPECIALLY because I didn’t need it. Yes… silly me.
I’m told regularly I’m indifferent, I don’t care, I’m not invested, I’m cold, I’m unfeeling blah blah blah… stop talking about it. I don’t even know how to respond to any of that, because seriously… I’ve got nothing. My world would be a better place if random women were not constantly turning every conversation into ‘I have someone for you, why are you single, you’ll find someone’. Seriously… give it a rest already.
For those that didn’t want me, I’m ok with that. For those that walked away… maybe ran, thank you. For those I didn’t want… I’m sorry, seems as if that always happens when it shouldn’t. For those I walked away from… maybe ran, be honest… you are breathing a tremendous sigh of relief lol. At the risk of sounding detached I submit this to my most recent ex and anyone else who thinks they know me. I am a deeply flawed person. If I’ve disappointed you than I am sorry.
When asked in the past I always said I believe in God… I always said I believe in love. Ask me now I will say I believe in God.
God is love.
Saturday’s Good Night…
My love wants to try something new… so we bought a strap today, more like a ‘strapless’ strap… 2 1/2 inches wide… 8 inches long… and chocolate brown with a strawberry shaped head… a feeldoe. I smile at your anticipation… you’re excited… I’m mostly just… well… blah. Penetration was never my thing so you’re anxious about hurting me… and I just want to please you. Mmm… how I love making you feel good. The expressions on your face when you’re cumming… The way your body moves, tenses, clenches… the way it fits against mine… warm, soft, snug like a glove… and the sounds that you make… the sighs… the gasps… and the moans… oh God… those moans…. mmm my pussy throbs with wanting you.. Damn… if you like it… this was going to be good. You walk in the room… I’ve set the stage… lit the fireplace… laid out the fur rug.
You’re carrying a bottle of my favorite wine and one glass…. Hmm I guess we would share. Things have definitely gotten interesting since I pinpointed my sensitivity to alcohol. In the past I always said liquor had one of two effects on me… It made me sleepy… Or it made me horny. Now I know that its vodka, champagne, rum and gin that make me sleepy… while tequila, whisky and wine make me horny… smh sipping on that stuff is like a heated tongue bathing my clit.
I’m not wearing anything but the silver chocker you gave me… the tiny necklace shimmering wildly in the dancing glow of the fire. You’re not wearing anything except the strap hanging low between your thighs. I watch you as you kneels down beside me, a true beauty… this woman of mine. I know your body as well as my own. The strap is unfamiliar though… foreign. “Come lay with me…” I whisper, you nod and lie down… wrapping me in your arms pulling me on top of you. I rest my head against your breast listening to your heartbeat… lulled by the rhythmic rise and fall of your breath.
Your hands slide slowly down my back causing me to shiver. Such a sensitive area… I shiver again as your hand slides back up… My pussy wet and aching for you like no other. Your hand glides slowly down again and my entire body tenses… slowly… slowly back up and I sigh and you moan in response. I shift myself enough to slide my tongue over the curve of your breast…slowly… slowly and you tense. I flick my tongue over your nipple and you moan again… tug on it lightly with my teeth and your back arches… damn… I sit up and you reach for me. I shake my head no… not yet. I kneel before you and bend to press feather light kisses along your neck… over your collar bone… down between your breasts… rubbing my tongue over your skin periodically… over your ribs… kissing your sides… circling your navel with my tongue. Your muscles spasm as my lips rub over one hip… and my tongue slowly slides over the other.
You sit up… “Bae you don’t need to…” you whisper low and hoarse. I look up at you and shake my head no. Then press my lips against the head of your dick followed by feather light kisses down the shaft. Your body is tense as I reach the apex of your thighs… where the strap rests against your pussy… and I pause to breathe in your scent…. mmm my baby is wet… and knowing this sets my entire body on fire. I rub my lips over the shaft drawing lazy circles around the head with my tongue… then slide you deep inside my mouth. You sigh and shift your hips slowly. I moan against your heated flesh as my lips slide up…. then down the shaft. I breathe in your scent… your pussy is wet… excited. “Damn Bae…” you whisper… your voice hoarse… my tongue slides up your dick till my lips are wrapped around just the head… slide down just an inch… then back up… “Yes… Baby?” I moan breathless. Then quickly flick my tongue back and forth over that sweet spot just under the head.
Suddenly you rise up and kneel in front of me… pulling me toward you for a kiss that is heavy… hot… and long, I pull away whispering in your ear “Please…” You sigh and I feel the quick flash of your teeth as you bite my neck… and my pussy floods with heat. I pull away from you as your hands slide up to cup my breasts. Damn you know how much I love that! I press against you… high on the feel of your naked skin against mine. I pull away again… inching away from you, I rise slowly before you, my pussy now at your eye level… and you press your face between my thighs on a long deep breath as I slide my fingers into your hair.
You rub your face into the apex of my thighs… pressing butterfly kisses against my womanhood… fluttering your tongue over my skin with feather light strokes. Your tongue slowly scrapes across my clit causing my whole body to shiver. “Mmmm… no…” I sigh regretfully… stepping away from you. You watch me hungrily as I walk backward toward the sofa. “Bae…” you growl… rising slowly. Finally I feel the sofa against my legs and sink down to sit… with my thighs open… pussy wet and throbbing fully exposed to your view. “I want you Bae…” you sigh… voice thick with longing. I lean back and slide my hand between my thighs… slipping my finger into the slick folds of my pussy… “I need you Daddy… I need you… “I whisper as I slowly slide the finger into my pussy… “right… here” .
Your breath is quick as you stalk me… kneeling down between my thighs you grab my hand… bringing it up to your face you inhale deeply before pressing the finger between your lips… sucking it the way you would my clit… if I gave you the option. “Mmmm… NO…” I moan… pulling away. I shake my head and gently push you back as I lean forward. Our faces are inches apart and we watch each other for a time… our breath mingling… hearts thundering… “I need you…”I whisper against your lips “now…” as I sink my teeth into your bottom lip for a quick nibble. “Damn…” you sigh reaching for me. “Mmm no…” I moan against you pushing you further back.
I rise up on the sofa and turn my back to you. Bracing both hands against the back of the sofa I spread my thighs and arch my back. The silver necklace around my neck shimmering wildly in the glow of the fire as I look over my shoulder and moan… “F*ck me Daddy… f*ck me… like you mean it…” Your control snaps and you rise up on the sofa behind me… grabbing my hips. I shudder as I lean back toward you… enjoying the way you feel against me. You place kisses against the back of my neck… sliding your tongue between my shoulder blades… and it feels like an electric current to my clit… “Mmm…” I moan. You dip the head of your dick into my center… soaking it before gently rubbing it over my clit. My body turns to liquid heat as a flood gushes over you… moaning I rise up on my knees and press my back against your breasts… the weight of your dick nestled between the twin globes of my ass… causing me to rock against you and whisper… “I need you inside of me…”
You growl leaning me forward… my hands again gripping the back of the sofa. Leaning all the way forward my body tenses as I feel the first gentle push of the head of your dick against the wet folds of my pussy… “Daddy… please…” I moan thickly… impatient. Slowly… slowly you invade me… the walls of my pussy greedily soaking you in… “Deeper Bae?” you ask quietly… patient “Mmmm… yes deeper… deeper Daddy…” I pant back as you slowly slide in… slowly until I am filled with you and your body is flush against mine… “Ok?” you ask as my body starts to shiver… pussy lips throbbing around you… “Mmm…” I moan as slowly… slowly… you gently slide out of my pussy… slippery and wet.
You grab my hips and lean into your next thrust… a long slow roll… that makes my pussy weep with longing… “Harder Bae?” you ask quietly… concerned. “Mmmm… harder… harder Daddy…” I pant back as you slide in… on a long slow stroke until I am filled with you and your body is flush against mine… “Ok?” you ask as my body shivers again… pussy lips throbbing around you… “Mmm…” I moan as slowly… slowly… you gently slide out of my pussy… heated and wet.
I throw my head back body stretched taut as my back arches and my thighs quiver in excitement… you press against me and lean into your next thrust… a long slow roll… that makes my pussy throb with expectation… “Faster Bae?” you ask hungry “Mmmm… faster… faster Daddy…” I pant back out of breath as you slide in… on a long hard stroke filling me with you while your body is flush against mine… “Ok?” you ask… my body shivering as you pull back… pussy lips throbbing around you… “Mmm…” I moan still breathless as you quickly slam back into me… and suddenly you are sliding in and out of my pussy… in a new rhythm that makes my pussy clench around you… on fire.
In and out… your body slams into mine over… and over again… your dick rubbing the walls of my pussy into a sensitive mass of need. Sliding almost all the way out to rub on that sweet spot that drives me wild… “Damn Bae…” you moan thickly… breathless “Please… f*ck me… f*ck me Daddy…” I pant back as you slide in… on a long hard stroke inside of me, body flush against mine… “Damn!” you pant pulling back… my pussy lips throbbing around you… “F*ck me Daddy…” I moan again breathless as you slam back into me… sliding in and out of my pussy… riding me in a way that makes my mind go numb…. as the pressure builds inside of me… my pussy throbs and clenches over you… tight and wet.
You sink your teeth into my neck again as you slam back into me… and I ride it out… wave after wave of dark heat as my pussy greedily throbs around your dick. In… and out… harder… deeper… faster… pushing against my inner walls… rubbing against that sweet spot that only you can reach. I throw my ass back… searching… searching… for that special push… the weight of your dick riding low inside of my pussy… the pressure building.
Suddenly you are gone… the sweet feeling of you inside of me replaced by emptiness as you pull away from me. “No…” I cry out in frustration turning and reaching for you. You stand before me… nostrils flaring… eyes twin pools of fire… body taut with barely held restraint. “Baby?” I pant out breathless… reaching for you. “Wait…” you snarl holding your hand out to keep me away. “Bae… just wait…” your eyes close as you fight for control, and I watch the quick and steady thump of your pulse, the rise and fall of your chest and the sweet spot on your neck as your heart races. I press flush up against your body… sliding my fingers against your cheek to cup your face. Your whole body is wound tight like a bow… eyes still closed you press your cheek against my palm and take a deep shuddering breath.
I lean in and flick my tongue over your bottom lip… quickly. Tense you lean away from me. I push in closer against you and rub my lips against yours and you sigh… “Baby… wait…” I shake my head… “No…” I whisper back… sucking on your bottom lip… and you open for me… kissing me back in a slow and hungry push that leaves me breathless and weak. This kiss goes on for what feels like hours… deep… long and hot. Your arms around me… my fingers slide in your hair… the strap nestled between my thighs and I rock against you… this woman who fits me so well.
I step back and push against you… “Hmmm…” you sigh leaning in… “Sit baby…” I command kissing you quickly and stepping back… “Huh?” you moan eyes open in slits… dreamy and confused. “Sit baby…” I whisper again smiling at the sexy sight of you… now calm but still turned on. The burn slowly returns to your eyes as you move toward me… with purpose. I step back again and coax you down onto the sofa. Sliding first one leg over your thighs and then the other, and suddenly we are eye to eye… breast to breast… center… to heated center. Your arms reach up to encircle me but I catch your fingers in my own and lean you back, pressing them against the sofa… “No…” I whisper as my lips slide over your neck.
“Bae…” you sigh as I press against you… my heated tongue flicking over your ear lobe… over your collar bone and pressing on that sweet spot I know you love. Your breath quickens as I rub my body against yours… feeling the subtle difference as you tense against me. You lean in against me… lips seeking mine… “Mmmm… nooo…” I moan as I press you back, sliding my lips slowly down to your breast, sliding my tongue over it… around your nipple… again… then again… then… over… sucking it gently into my mouth… rolling it around with my tongue… lips tugging on it playfully. “Baeeeee…” you growl now… mmm maybe a warning? Popping the nipple out of my mouth I lazily slide my tongue between your breasts… kissing you there. “NO.” I growl back… my voice steady and firm.
Your head falls back against the cushions as I pay homage to your breast…. sliding my tongue over it… around your nipple… again… then again… then… over it… sucking it gently into my mouth… rolling it around with my tongue… lips tugging on it playfully. “Baby!” you pant urgently, rolling your hips against mine. “Mmmm…” I moan as I shift and suddenly you are deep inside of me… “Ohhhhh!” I cry out against you overwhelmed by the feeling of you deep inside of me. I raise myself up… and come back down on it.. up… and down… rolling my hips against yours. You flex your hips against me… up and… down in long and steady strokes that flood me with heat.
“Ooooh… YES!!!” I pant as my pussy throbs… pressure building… I slide up and down… “Damn!” you growl as we grind against each other… one hard push again and again… thrusting … stroking the inside of my body… with silky heat. Your body flush against mine… “Damn!” you pant again… “Damn Bae…” pushing against me in a fast and hard rhythm. My pussy throbs around you… “YES Daddy…Yes!!!” I moan again breathless… sliding you in and out of my pussy… riding you in a way that makes my mind go numb…. the pressure building inside of me again as my pussy clenches. My heart skips a beat… my breath catches… my eyes go dark as a long… hard wave of orgasm washes over my body and takes me over… and I ride you… hair now fisted in your hair in a rush of excitement as my honey washes over you in long and hot gushes… soaking both of us in a heated river of orgasm so sharp it’s painful.
“Oh God Daddy… YESSSSSS…. Yes Daddy… YESSSS!” I scream as you rock your body against me slamming into me again and again… over and over in hard… wet… deep strokes. I lean against you exhausted… my body spent… but continue to ride you… grinding my hips back and forth against you… My pussy throbbing around you, each new push an indescribable blend of pleasure and pain. My mind goes completely dark… as I am bathed in sensation. A new pressure starts to build and your body bucks underneath me… “Mmm… I can’t…. Baby I can’t …” you pant … body shuddering violently… “Shhhh… take it… Baby… take it…” I groan… teeth grazing the tender flesh of your shoulder.
“Oh God… Oh God… Oh GOD!!!” You moan as you rub against that tender spot deep inside my pussy and shatter into a thousand little pieces… “F*CK!” You scream as you press your body against me… your body rocking against me in long hard shudders… “Mmmmm” I sigh my bones like jelly… little aftershocks pulsing through my system. I lay draped over you… breath coming in short staggered bursts. I press a wet open mouthed kiss on your shoulder and you rock against me in response… “Mmmm…” I sigh again as my pussy throbs around you still nestled deep inside of me. You raise your arms to embrace me and I groan “Don’t move…” into your ear.
“Ooooh… “I moan as I slide you all the way out of me. My body instantly missing the new way you filled me up. You shift slightly against me… “Don’t move…” I order again… my voice hoarse with intent…. “Mmmm..” I moan as I slide down your body rocking against you. Damn… you feel good… sooooo….. GOOD. I press my lips against yours in a long hot kiss that makes me throb…you sigh as I sweep my tongue over the lips of your swollen pussy. My tongue samples you… flicking over your clit in lightning fast strokes that cause your entire body to tense and buck beneath me. I grip your hips and command heatedly…“Don’t… MOVE!” Damn my babe is excited.
Suddenly you pull me up grabbing my arms and roll your body over mine. Kissing me hungrily till I’m mindless with wanting you. Then you slide down to my center and roughly push my thighs open and I hold my breath as you slide your tongue inside of me… rubbing deep against that sweet spot you know so well… “Daddy…” I moan tightly… as you press your lips against me. “Oh God…” I gasp as your lips wrap around my clit… and I feel it again… that familiar pressure building deep inside. I moan long and loud as new sensation grip me. My body shuddering violently as I moan… and moan… and moan. Riding the rise and fall of another earth shattering orgasm… “Yes… yes… ohhhhhh God yessssssss!!!” I scream as my pussy gushes in spasms of breath taking release. You moan against me…. the vibration against my skin and the sound of my love passionate and feral, sending me over the edge in another wave of mind bending bliss.
Your breath glides over my skin as you catch your breath and I melt into the sofa cushions… boneless. You wrap your arms around me and whisper sweet nothings in my ear. I lay in your arms content… and at peace. This is where I belong. I reach for you… I want you… all of you… just you… against me. You press your full body against mine… and my mind goes dark again. I wrap my legs around your waist and roll my hips against yours. “Mmmm…” you sigh… looking at me through half closed eyes. I slide my finger down between us and dip it between our thighs… slowly sliding into the heated folds of your pussy… mine throbbing in response to the extreme wetness waiting for me… “Mmmm…” you sigh again… Yes. This is going to be a long night.
The Angels met in a quiet corner of Heaven… tensions were high… spirits… low. God was in his Church again… there were no obvious sounds of movement or work to be heard, just silence. The Angels looked down upon Earth and whispered among themselves… hearts heavy… for they knew the Father’s burdens were many. At daylight God set about the task of prayer… answering them, he sat quietly kneeling at the altar of creation, listening to his children, lips moving in silent communion as he toiled away with the burdens of humanity.
A man dressed quickly for an interview… nervous, anxious. As he raced out of the house he sent up a prayer, “Please God, let me get this job. Please God…” and God heard him. He listened to the plea in the man’s heart… the sound of his stresses… these were lean times. A fancy home in foreclosure, two cars in the garage unpaid for, a non-stop stream of letters and phone calls from demanding creditors and no money in the bank. “Please God, let me get this job. Please God…” he prayed as he made his way home… hopeful, optimistic. “Please God…” and God heard him… and said “No.”
Five months after he lost his home, finally finding a job as a laborer to survive… “WHY!?” he railed at Heaven… the pain of his losses overwhelming him. Falling to his knees “WHY!?” He raged at God… the measure of his failures crippling him. “When I needed you, you let me fall.” God kneeled before him, “My Child… your losses are your own doing… there was no love for me in your successes. Do you love me now when you have branded yourself a failure? The truest measure of a man is not in pretty things or in feeling accomplished. The truest measure of a man is the life he chooses to live… being good… faithful… loyal… honest. This is the man I see before me. There was no love for me during your brightest days… tell me… do you love me now in the darkness?” God waited with his arms outstretched… and the man fell into his embrace reborn.
She walked slowly up a dirty street toward the waiting car. It was late… early though for her and the other girls… little girls lost. She sat in the passenger’s seat… prepared for the usual haggle, “I’ll give you 50…” As the car rolled to a stop she scanned their location… a darkened section of the park, one she’d used before. “Fine…” she sighed as they exited the car. When she reached out to him his hand wrapped around her throat, “Not so fast…” and the first blow threw her to the ground. White hot pain hit her when he kicked her side… again… again… and again, she prayed… “Please God, make it stop. Please God…” and God heard her. As she lay on the ground she thought about the life she’d left behind… a mother that was too strict, a father that was too busy, a brother that was too silly, a house that was too quiet and a room that was too… (what?). Tears streaming down her face, she couldn’t recall what her problem had been with that room. All she remembered was a life she walked out on… a life she couldn’t go back to. “Please God… make it stop. Please God…” and God heard her and said “No.”
She watched her little girl race across the playground. Her heart full of determination… yet afraid to pray… afraid to ask a God that had left her in chaos for far too long for guidance. “What do I do? What do I do?” she whispered over and over again… a pained cry echoing throughout the far corners of Heaven, “What do I do now?” God sat beside her, “You know what to do. I’ve been with you every step of the way. Your pain was my pain. Your parents could not protect you from a life of which they knew nothing. They catered to you and wrapped you in love as only parents can, and yet you left them. You had no fear of the unknown.” He watched her daughter laugh bathed in sunlight… “Your fear is my fear. Do you see that little girl? She will know to fear the darkness. She will live a life compassionate to others… and she will not judge simply because… YOU are her mother. You will guide her… in ways your parents could not guide you…” Slowly he took her hand and they sat quietly side by side… and FINALLY she was at peace… “Everything you have sacrificed… every hurt you endured… were lessons necessary to give her a full and honest life in a world filled with predators. You looked into the face of evil… evil looked back and you SURVIVED. A gift… and so…you will protect her… and know in moments when you can’t… I will.”
A young man sat in church surrounded by a congregation he’d known his entire life… family. He bowed his head and yearned for salvation from a life of sin… the life he’d been living. He needed to be born again… to accept God in a way that would banish the lustful thoughts that corrupted him. “Please God; save me from homosexuality… make me straight Lord. Please God…” Every morning he awoke to a life he didn’t ask for. He loved a man in the way he should love a woman. His spirit filled with lustful thoughts… his sheets warm from the evidence of their intimacy… evil. He gave his heart to this man, he gave his body to him… but his life belonged to God. He knew if he prayed hard enough he would find it… salvation. Freedom from the perverted life he couldn’t seem to keep from living. “Please God, save me from homosexuality… make me straight Lord. Please God, make me straight” and God heard him… and said “No.”
“My child…” God sighed… long and deep. The young man refused to look at him, his shame was so great. “Look upon my face …” God commanded. As he lifted his eyes and finally took in the Creator… he was startled to see it was his own face that looked back at him… on fire with Heaven’s light. “I cannot make straight… what should have NEVER… been bent. While the stress of your shame has certainly made you bend… as your Father I am proud to say… you have remained unbroken. Your love is neither evil nor wrong. You do no harm loving this man. Know now… you are created in MY very own image and I hand crafted him…just for YOU. He is your twin flame, and his face also reflects the face of Creation. Whenever I walk among you… I am pleased. I created no ‘perverts’ I see no ‘homosexuals’ and I make NO mistakes. I see my sons… I see my daughters… and I love you, every… single… one. There was never a need for salvation. It is your ability to give love… and receive love… that saves… ME.”
God returned to Heaven determined… exhausted… and deep in thought. Daylight would come again soon enough… and when it did… he would say… “Yes.”
I’ve had this dream a few times:
I’m flying. Arms open wide, eyes closed, face turned into the breeze. I breath deep of misty air. Open my eyes & look down at my city: the buildings, people, lights like Vegas… Nighttime in NY. When the rain starts I relize I am holding onto something with my right hand. I look down at my clenched fingers & suddenly my heart starts racing.
A slight tug on my left makes me realize I’m not alone. My fingers are wrapped around someone else’s. Slowly, suddenly afraid, I turn to look at my companion… and look straight into the face of my grandfather. He smiles at me in his beautiful toothless way, n with his free hand points to my fisted one then nods. I look down at my hand & stare at it. Just as I start to open my fingers he lets me go… & I start falling.
I’m in free fall for a while, tumbling head over heels with nothing to grab onto. Gravity ceases to exist & I am soaked, hair sticking to my face & cold. Then I see it… a perfect ring of crystal clear water… hugging the edges of a field. Altogether it looks like one big eye staring up at me. The hard surface of that ground rushing up at me, my vision blurred by the sting of wind, tears & rain. I look at my fisted hand, fingers clenched so tightly they are bloody. It’s been said if you fall in a dream & land, you die in real life.
I know I am dreaming & I don’t care. I am more afraid of the fall itself… than the actual landing. The ground comes at me & I close my eyes braced for impact. Then… nothing. Strong arms wrap around my waist from behind. N suddenly I am not falling anymore. I hold my breath as our feet touch the ground. We are both soaked and trembling. My heartbeat so loud it reminds me of children banging away at drums. She turns me around & whispers “I’ll always catch you”. As I opened my eyes to look at her face, her lips touch my forehead & in a flash of pure white hot light… I wake up.
I know her, but I never see her face.
It’s time to put all of the old, all of the unfinished and all of the unnecessary chaos that builds up over the course of a year to bed.
Look back on the things you’ve done this past year and in the New Year… DO BETTER.
Look at the person you were in the last year and in the New Year… BE BETTER.
My 2014 wish for you:
Love hard, Laugh often, Party like tomorrow will never come…
and Treat EVERYONE with the kindness, respect and consideration YOU want from others.
Life is short… Count your blessings for they are many and you are counted among mine.
I love you like a promise kept.
Besos… let’s make THIS YEAR MEAN SOMETHING!!!!
“Understanding IS love… so Every Day… even though sometimes it may seem impossible… I try to understand.” – NovaCSA
It’s the Holidays…
Ride Santa! RIDE!!!