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Happy Thanksgiving 

 – NovaCSA

… and yes…

Being HONEST

with YOURSELF…

is a BITCH!!!

 – Nova

So yesterday I realized something about myself… I love hard… and the alternative… yes… just as hard. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always known I am an extremist, that’s not the epiphany.  You see LOVE has the power to change you. To make you better, stronger, a whole new person.  Everyone knows that or at least they should. The alternative works the same… it changes you. I made a choice a long time ago to work toward being a better person, a nice person, someone I could be proud of. So I put that inner evil bitch to bed and left her there.  This was the outcome *sigh*… I trusted blindly, without thought. I gave in abundance, without reason. I loved madly and I loved deeply, without provocation. I offered loyalty, adoration, lust, friendship… I spent money, time, and effort… I handed a place in MY LIFE… to people who neither wanted … nor deserved… any of it. There is being a no-nonsense type of person and there is being a terrible person. There is being a good person and there is being a victim. Where is the happy medium? SMH I realize I need to find a better way.

There is no THING more damaging than being ashamed of yourself, angry at yourself… disappointed in your choices.  It bends you into something else… something twisted and broken.  I find myself right back where I started… that inner evil bitch ready, willing and able to consume any and all good parts of myself. I can’t go skipping through life being better TO everyone despite how they are to me. It doesn’t come naturally… so I guess on some level it’s phony. I can’t continue to act as if trying to be better FOR everyone… despite how they are TO themselves…  makes life any better. I can however treat people the way I want to be treated.  The way I need to be treated. That was how I started out… trying to do the right thing. Always trying to do the right thing even in some cases when it meant hurting myself in the process smh.

I’m not really sure who I want to be. I know I don’t want to be something dark and twisted, but I can feel that inner evil bitch taking root, whispering “I told you so” on a daily basis. Feels kind of like being hugged by BITTERNESS… kissed by CYNICISM… and married to SUSPICION.  I don’t want to be THAT person. No… that’s not me either. Soooo I need to find a healthy balance for that inner evil bitch and being a GOOD person… being good TO people.  Doing the right thing and not doing harm to myself.

I’ve said for a while… “I’m a good person”. My personal truth… I’m not.  I’m nothing more than a work in progress… no more… no less. No better or worse than anyone. It’s funny because some think I’m opinionated… harsh in my judgments and it makes me nasty. Hmmn… I think it’s more like… the truth is… I am nasty.  When provoked, when hurt, while hurting, when abused or insulted, when used or ignored… yes… I am nasty. I’ve spent the last couple of years slowly damaging myself with questionable choices… letting others damage me with questionable intentions… not taking ANY necessary steps to protect… MYSELF. At some point… even for a wild dog… self-preservation kicks in. Fight or flight… is instinctual… for EVERYONE.

I’ve been going against my nature for so long I’m not sure who I am anymore. Years ago I looked in the mirror and didn’t like the person looking back at me so I decided to change her… and I did. I built a whole new life for myself… yet somehow… I’ve lost my way. I know that now… and I’m taking steps to find it again. When you try every day to be better than you were the day before you kind of forget to live in the moment, to enjoy it, savor it, learn from it and let it go as needed. I can no longer and will not allow negative people or things to take root in my spirit.

There is no perfect person so it always gives me pause when someone labels me ‘judgmental’ or ‘opinionated’, as though I believe I am God’s gift, as though I am unaware of my flaws and issues. It’s been said… “If you want better… you DO better”… so I TRY to do better. I am TRYING TO DO BETTER! Balance is necessary in the universe… light and dark… love and hate… good and evil. There is no worst critic… than the critic of self. There is no doubt greater… than the doubt of self. There is no harder judgment… than the judgment of self. Harsh… how my thoughts, ideas, and opinions can offend.  Harsher still when I apply those very same views to MY SELF! Think about that for a minute… then please step back and get over yourself. I barely recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror… trust and believe… you do not know me. For the select few that THINK you do… you truly have no idea. The world does not revolve around you. I am not holding YOU to a higher standard. I am holding MY SELF to a higher standard.

I believe it is the flaws that make us beautiful.

So here I am…

I’ve been blessed, admired, praised, respected…

and I am honored.

I’ve been bent, wounded, bloodied, and humbled…

and I surrender.

My life is my own…

and I give it to a higher power.

I will make mistakes.

I will make questionable choices.

Sadly…

YOU may not want this person in YOUR life…

and sadder still…

I may not NEED YOU… in mine.

I love hard… and the alternative…

yes…

just as hard…

I will say… and do terrible things…

and I will own them.

I will figure out what I did… where I went wrong…

and I will take the necessary steps to correct them.

I will do good works… I will help people.

I will do… and I will say… amazing things…

and I will own that too.

I will figure out what I did right…

how to do it better…

and I will take the necessary steps…

to grow into the person I was born to be.

Father I’m ready.

–       NovaCSA

Last night I listened to her speak as desire quickly stole over me… leaving me in its heated wake. She’s such an exhibitionist…… always giving and taking and doing… something. Sometimes it’s those serious moments I think I need the most… because SHE brings me peace.

Would that I could wrap my body, my spirit, my heart around her… in a never ending caress…

timeless… breathless… and in love.

… and there it is…

the sound of my name on her lips…

an eternal aphrodisiac… a perpetual mental caress…

an endless stroke up and down… and back and forth… up and… over my spirit…

… and the Earth moves…

Heaven opens up… Angel’s sing…

There is LOVE here

Last night I listened to her breathe as sleep began to stake its claim. She’s such a worrier… always thinking and feeling and reeling over… something. Sometimes it’s those sleeping hours I think she needs the most… because they bring her peace.

Would that she could wrap her arms around me… her heartbeat flush against mine… her spirit penetrating my own… deeper than any before her… her mind… and mine… in that constant state of communion only we share… timeless… breathless… and in love.

… and there it is…

the sound of my name on her lips…

an eternal aphrodisiac… a perpetual mental caress…

an endless stroke up and down… and back and forth… up and… over my spirit…

… and the Earth moves…

Heaven opens up… Angel’s sing…

There is LOVE here

I could feel safe if I just inhale… release… and let go. Will she defend me? Will she protect me? Will she love me when it really matters?

Safety… I don’t think I’ve ever felt safe with a woman.

… BUT…

the sound of my name on her lips…

an eternal aphrodisiac… a perpetual mental caress…

an endless stroke up and down… and back and forth… up and… over my spirit…

… and the Earth moves…

Heaven opens up… and Angel’s sing…

There is LOVE here

The Sky is DEFINITELY FALLING…

I love her

I love YOU

–          Nova CSA

For Janski

Some days I wake up and all I want is to curl up like a ball in the fetal position… covers over my head… the world… on pause.

Other days I want to be curled up around my babe… touching her… her touching me… our bodies covering each other… the world… on pause.

Most days I open my eyes… take the first breath of the day as life comes back into sharp focus… thank God for another day… thank God for the gifts in my life… and wishing I could stay warm… and SAFE for another five minutes… the world… on pause.

I miss her… she was funny… and kind. She was fearless… adventurous… without a care in the world. She approached life with enthusiasm. She had a healthy respect for life and the events that take place to shape a person either into the person they are… or the person they are meant to be.

I miss her… she believed in people… in love… in doing the right thing… she had an abundance of FAITH… faith in people, situations, God and herself. She was a fighter… a soldier… a warrior woman… descendant of FIGHTERS… descendant of SOLDIERS… descendant of WARRIOR WOMEN.

I miss her… she was strong and powerful, her energy burning hot and wild like… liquid lightening,  her spirit burning bright… bright like all of the stars… in perfect communion. She used to make me feel safe. I was safe… because I had her with me always.

Some days I wake up and all I want is to curl up like a ball in the fetal position… covers over my head… the world… on pause.

Other days I want to be curled up around my babe… touching her… her touching me… our bodies covering each other… the world… on pause.

Most days I open my eyes… take that first long breath of life as the day comes into sharp focus… thanking God for another day… thanking God for the gifts in my life… and wishing I knew I might FEEL warm… and FEEL safe at some point… the world… on pause.

I lost her… humor… kindness… and now I’m just fearful… cautious… with every care in the world. I approach life with a baseball bat. I have a healthy respect for life and the events that take place to shape a person either into the person they are… or the person they should have never been.

I lost her… her belief in people… in love… in doing the right thing… her abundance of FAITH… faith in people, situations, God and herself. She was a fighter… a soldier… a warrior woman… descendant of FIGHTERS… descendant of SOLDIERS… descendant of WARRIOR WOMEN.

I lost her… her strength and power, her energy burning hot and wild like… liquid lightening, her spirit burning bright… bright like all of the stars… in perfect communion. I used to make her feel safe. She was safe… because she had me with her always.

Some days I wake up and all I want is to curl up like a ball in the fetal position… covers over my head… the world… on pause.

Other days I want to be curled up around my babe… touching her… her touching me… our bodies covering each other… the world… on pause.

Most days I open my eyes… take a long and hard breath as my life comes into bright and sharp focus… struggling to thank God for another day… struggling to thank God for the gifts in my life… wishing I could FEEL warm… wishing I could FEEL safe… wishing the world… on pause.

I used to love her…

Pay attention…

This is what falling out of love with yourself looks like.

Depression is REAL… know the signs.  Educate yourself… it is common and too often ignored.

Protect yourself and your loved ones.

–          NovaCSA

Facts About Depression:

Symptoms and Getting Help:

A Rabbi once told me “It is not for us to hand out forgiveness like candy. Does the person acknowledge what they have done? Is the person remorseful? Has the person taken steps to repair the wrong they have committed? If you answer ‘no’ to any of these questions your forgiveness amounts to NOTHING for the spirit of the person you forgive… or their salvation. Acknowledge the forgiveness is for YOURSELF so YOU may be free of the burden of the wrong doing and move on with your life. Never expect anyone to FEEL BETTER because YOU have forgiven THEM. Let them find their peace with God.”

I’ve lived my life with this voice in my head. Letting something go and forgiveness are not the same thing. Why bother my spirit with forgiving someone if they haven’t taken any of the aforementioned steps?  So I can feel better?  Here’s the thing about TRYING to be a good person… when you try to do the right thing… and you act accordingly… there will never be a reason for you to TRY to feel better.

No matter the wound… it will happen… that… ‘feeling better’.

I’ve thought about the recent ‘wrongs’ I perceive others having done to me. The truth is those people are walking around la la la as though nothing has happened. They are burden free because in their own mind they have done NOTHING wrong… and when a person feels they are in the right… they will sleep just fine.

Love is such a precious… practically extinct… important aspect to this life. To a person’s spirit… to your world.

If I called you my friend… I meant it. Even if you didn’t respect it… I loved you.

So I’ve decided to take the selfish approach with this… I forgive YOU (those perceived ‘wrong doers’).

I’ve let it go.

Make no mistake… if I’ve put you on that list it’s because you actually DID something FOUL…and I forgive you anyway. Not for YOU… but because I have to forgive myself for giving you that power in the first place. MY FAULT!!!

If I called you my love… I meant it. Even if you didn’t understand it… I loved you.

So I finally understand… I just bring out the worst in some hearts.

I’ve let you go.

We are all human and some decisions are just REALLY BAD CHOICES. I have no interest in holding on to any of that. That’s between you and God. Truth be told… HE’S already forgiven you… so *shrugs* really who am I to judge?

You are human… so am I….

I still hear that Rabbi’s voice… these days I hear something else… the sound of my redeemer… telling me “Let go and Let GOD.” I am FAR from perfect. I make mistakes just like everyone else… and I pray that when I do… I’ll acknowledge what I’ve done. I’ll be remorseful… and I’ll take steps to repair the damage.

People say all the time “What Would Jesus Do?”  Well my answer?

“I ain’t HIM.”

BUT…

I do understand where he was coming from. So I’ll try to DO BETTER.

– Nova