Introspective, that’s me… self-awareness… that’s the key. I haven’t written in a while so this is going to be a random rant, possibly confusing and definitely all over the place.
I spend so much time looking inward, checking in, seeing how I feel, and working to understand why I did this or that. I’ve looked inside of myself for so long, well… I can actually say I no longer have any idea what I’m looking at. I trust my instincts, or at least I used to and I am honest with myself… brutally. It’s amazing how much outside influences affect us, shape us… change us. Bridget Jones, the character Hannah from the HBO series GIRLS, the character Alice Pieszecki from the Showtime series The L Word and of course the character J from the web series Awkward Black Girl… these are the touchstones I find relatable. They are all variations of wild, rude, impulsive and yes, awkward… versions of me.
I am a black, lesbian with weight issues… wicked smart, dumb as a brick and wildly foolish. I give of myself to the ones I care about. I work hard, play hard and love with everything inside of me. I am difficult, independent, strong willed, not easily read or relatable. Did I say difficult? I can see 40 bearing down on me and find myself learning lessons now that I should have learned a long time ago. People will look at you and judge you… they will speak with you and decide whether you are worth their effort or not. The truth is many will find you lacking; no matter what you do for them, no matter how much you give to them and no matter how well you treat them.
My family loves me… they accept me exactly as I am. We don’t always get along and they don’t really like me much (What? I said I was honest) and we don’t usually understand each other. My friends… now they get me, they have the uncanny way of pushing me to always keep trying, they dig deep and pull out the best of me. Lovers… well lovers are a whole other story.
I have heard a few things to consider lately… “Stop dating people who are beneath you”, “Stop giving people so many chances”, “Stop giving so much of yourself”, “Stop giving people the opportunity to hurt you” and “Only date someone who loves you more than you love them.” Almost everyone close to me keeps telling me I need to find someone who can ‘do for me’, someone who can buy me nice things, take me nice places… someone who is financially my equal (or better). The truth is I have never looked at dating from that point of view… I’ve always said I don’t mind if you are a janitor, but you should WANT to own the broom. I work hard to make my own money and buy myself and those that I care for nice things. I ask for equal EFFORT, not money… I ask for affection and LOYALTY, not disinterest and lukewarm sentiment. I only ask for someone who sees me and accepts me flaws and all. I don’t think that is asking for too much.
These days I find something as simple as a hug can change the course of my whole day. My family is not an affectionate bunch, hugs were rare… hearing “I love you” rarer still (nonexistent really) and my first picture with my mom was my junior high graduation. So yes… the one that will hug me; close, tight, long and often… that’s the one I will marry. HUGS (and kisses on the forehead) are magic. Years ago I looked in the mirror and did not like the person that was looking back at me. While I am not quite there yet I find myself looking back into that dark place… where it’s isolated and comfortable. I find myself surrounded by people suffering from anxiety, and I work to put them at ease. That’s important to me… having the ones I care for at ease.
Oddly enough the past few years I have made new friends (that stabbed me in the back), had lovers that lied to me, stole from me, cheated on me, accused me of cheating on them, used me, discarded me for being; too blunt, too open, to serious, too standoffish, too independent, too abrupt, too insensitive, too overweight, to easy going. “You make things too easy for me” was the single most life altering thing my most recent ex ever said to me. Constantly being put in the position to prove yourself to those who would use you and bleed you dry is exhausting.
So I am on a journey… funny how much people say that.