I Believe Part Deux
I spent the day tied in knots, haunted by memories of you… the rise and fall of your voice when you are excited, the infectious ring of your laugh… the likes of which for some unknown reason always remind me of coins rattling in a tin can… the way you always sound surprised and caught off guard when you are in the throes of it, even now just the memory of it makes me smile.
I don’t think I ever told you it was that laugh that set me on the path to falling in love with you… … the way you said my name cracked open the door… the way you looked at me like I was water in the desert blasted it wide open… and the way you called me your “WOMAN” forever carved this space for you in my heart.
I spent years seeking, seeking, seeking something elusive yet beautiful. It’s a wonder I made it this far, considering how often my views on dating and relationships have changed. You remained the constant, made me feel safe… and in my worst moments you are always the one I run to… home. We have to learn to crawl before we can walk… I am taking baby steps, have finally stopped to breathe and realize all roads lead to you.
Being honest I fully admit that I should have never dated you… the timing for it was all wrong. I was on the edge of reason, still licking my wounds from a very bad situation… made to feel that I was less than, unwanted, disgusting even. I could say that I am fully healed, but like PTSD the smallest things take make back to that place. I don’t think people ever fully heal from attacks on the heart and mind. The wounds may close, forming scabs that leave the skin tough and scared… war wounds.
I grew up in a household where none were considered beautiful, surrounded by relatives who either thought me stupid or made it clear that I was lucky to have passable looks to ‘get by’ on. There was no way I could believe you could want me the way you said you did. How could you? I was abrupt, brash, overly thick and no raving beauty… so, it was said… and so I believed. If I was discounted by family and discarded by someone I cared for, how could the one my heart beat for… want me?
It’s unbelievable how much time it took for me to get here. I’ve chased down my demons, let things go and acknowledge nothing worth having is ever easy. It took me so long to forgive you, too long really. I’m still not sure I’ve forgiven myself. Saying I’m only human, feels like a cop out… giving up is easy. So why does fighting for our blessings always feel impossible?
You made me want to be a better woman, what’s more, I wanted to be better for you. Every time I was with you was like getting struck by lightning… sharp and hot, an affirmation of something bigger than myself. Every time we argued I felt like I was spinning… round and round in circles, never able to stop it. It was like every ounce of everything that was good about us, everything that was good in us would collapse in on itself and lead us to the center of a hurricane. Baby, for the life of me I could never understand how we would end up there and still haven’t figured out how to avoid those storms when I see them coming.
Friendship seems the only reasonable course of action. You deserve everything and more, and each day I pray you find it. Romance is easy… Faith and Trust… that is hard, can’t build a house of love without a solid foundation… lol can’t even build a shack of LIKE without some tools. I realize now that it was in the darkest moments of our relationship that I should have remembered you were my source of light.
They say people come into your life for a session or a lesson… for a reason, a season or a lifetime. You’re my lesson learned… your fingerprints etched in my skin and the memory of you forever embedded in my spirit. I miss the way you held me tight, your scent, the pretty pale blush on your skin when you are excited, the quickened pace of your heartbeat when I touch you, the way you arch your back seconds before you flood me with your release, the way you looked at me… like I was water in the desert, and that infectious laugh… coins rattling in a tin can…
There are good people in this world and then there are the ‘others’, you are one of the good ones. I’m proud of you and wish you much success in life. Everything happens for a reason and I believe God always finds a way… makes no mistakes, and holds us accountable. I hope you have found that elusive love that feeds your spirit and makes you a better woman… I pray you keep it, and I pray that you are happy. Just clearing the air, I have no intention to make life difficult for you. The difference today… is I am holding myself accountable.