Ranting & Raving
So a while ago I attached the link to my blog to my Facebook page and a Bible beating acquaintance read them and sent me an email today .
‘You know… not everyone needs to know what you’re thinking.
Not everyone needs to know what you’re feeling.
Not everyone needs to know what you’ve been through.
Just put your faith in Christ and you will be healed.’
I took a good long… hard… look at this and paused before I answered, because I felt cussing her out might be too much of an extreme reaction. Instead I replied:
‘Not everyone needs to know what I’m thinking? I speak the truth… if you don’t care to hear… then don’t listen.
Not everyone needs to know what I’m feeling? I don’t hide behind what others deem acceptable behavior. My face is an open book anyway… so why would I bother trying to do something that is not in my nature?
Not everyone needs to know what I’ve been through? I choose not to let life cripple me. Most people do… this is why the world is full of people in need of therapy, Jesus, or medication.
Why are you reading my blog anyway?
My spirit is immersed in sunshine even on the darkest of days. My faith is exactly where it needs to be… and I make no apologies for it. Healing is the ability to walk with God… acknowledge your hurts… but not be defined by them. I don’t walk in the shadows of my hurts… I walk with God.
Perhaps you should start a blog? While you seem to have found Christ… this dialogue suggests… you may be in need of therapy or medication as well.
So last week my cousin dragged me to the movies to see Steve Harvey’s ‘Act Like a Lady Think Like a Man’ and I in turn dragged one of my friends to see it for Mother’s Day (cause she wanted to see it). Sadly watching it I related to both the men and the women. What is the point of relationships anyway? I always thought it was to help ‘each other’ to be better, whether it was mother and child, friendships or lovers… to help each other… to BE BETTER. Funny how I look around and I don’t see too much of this ‘better’ going on.
As much as I can adore someone I can’t teach them how to adore me. You either do or you don’t. Getting to know someone has morphed into an ongoing job interview… but not too many people seem to be getting this job. Frankly… I don’t want to participate anymore. My friend told me actions speak louder than words but guess what… that may work for some people but I live and breathe words. The woman in me does a Chi Chi Dance at the actions… but the writer in me… SHE needs the words.
I could wax poetic about my failed relationships but what for? They failed… point blank… PERIOD. Some of those failures were my fault some of them weren’t, but I learned from each and every one of them. My hurts are not more important than anyone else’s and it’s amazing how many people walk this Earth thinking otherwise. It’s hard not being the one someone wants… and devastating not being wanted by the ones we want the most. I sit back and listen to my girls complain about their relationships or lack of and all I can think… ‘Is this really it?’ Honestly… I’m probably meant to just… BE… single. I will not be disrespected. I will not be ignored. I will not be that chick someone settles for. I don’t want anyone who doesn’t want me…
I… do not… want someone… who does not want me. Life is just too short…
What’s the point of ‘putting yourself’ out there and ‘jumping’ for the one you want… when they are unwilling or unable to catch you? Finding the right balance of want… need… physical and mental attraction, adoration AND respect? Seems like the Holy Grail… like a fictitious carrot someone somewhere made up to dangle in front of the starving masses particularly to drive women crazy. Me? I don’t want to be crazy, I like my sanity.
Go Kick Rocks.
The Ex Letter
You keep calling… keep texting… expecting me to change my mind. You say you miss me, thought you’d found someone better. There was a time when you were important to me. Days when you were my first thought at waking and my last before sleep. Nights when you made my body feel some very random… very exquisite things.
I cooked for you… hugged you close… listened to you… made you feel some very random… very exquisite things.
There are days, weeks, months… when you don’t take a trip through my thoughts at all. You see… you stopped being important to me the day you decided you wanted someone else. You thought you could put me on a shelf and I would wait there for you. I’ll invest in a stock pile of Battery Operated Lovers and some reliable Plug in Friends before I will let someone else that I do not matter to… visit my secret center.
I cooked when you were hungry… because my Lover deserves to be fed. I hugged you close when you needed the contact… because my Friend deserves the attention. I listened to you vent when you needed the outlet… and made your body feel my version of some very random… and very exquisite things because my partner… deserves the respect. She deserves the devotion.
You decided you weren’t any of those things. Didn’t you get the memo?
You keep calling… keep texting… expecting me to change my mind. You say you miss me. You thought you’d found someone better. You ask if I miss you. We had entertaining conversations, nothing enlightening. Your sex was great but you never touched me mentally. My heart called out to yours with no answer forthcoming. I spent our time making sure YOU felt protected, making sure YOU felt safe… it didn’t occur to you I needed the same. I enjoy sharing with a woman, and that’s not what we did. When we were together I found myself doing the things you enjoyed to do, going to the places you wanted to be, talking about the things that you found interesting. My choice, but not one I have any intention of repeating. You wanted to wear the pants all the time but in truth you were never fit to wear my panties.
So please explain to me… what exactly is there to miss?
The one I need has strength at her core, not just her body… but in her mind… in her spirit… in her heart. These days I cum from a carefully crafted sentence… my heart beats faster from a witty conversation and my body sings a tune to which I’m completely unfamiliar… but find I’m totally infatuated with.
You keep calling… keep texting… expecting me to change my mind. You say you miss me. You thought you’d found someone better.
So call her…. text her… I’m sure she’s waiting.
I’ve outgrown you.
If you don’t want to hear it… don’t even
I’ve recently encountered some nonsense very specific to some younger ladies who are unaware of how the world works, their self worth and think they are entitled to say and do as they please. I had to take a minute to compose myself and get my mind right for what I wanted to say, had to remember my mama raised a lady and there is little to nothing in this world worth losing my religion over or stepping outside of my character.
So it is with this in mind that I speak to you the way my gran would speak to you, for she was a loving spirit, wise beyond measure and the originator of ‘keepin it real’.
Little girl… I need you to take a moment for yourself to sit down and listen. All this ‘queen bee’ and ‘I’m a boss’ stuff means nothing when you have accomplished nothing. See me? I don’t sleep in my mama’s house. I don’t eat my father’s food. The money in my pocket I earned… LEGALLY at that little thing called a J.O.B. Bank account? Credit cards? Yes, I have those too… right along with my rent payment and the BILLS that I pay because they’re required to maintain MY household. I’m grown.
Little girl… contrary to your beliefs the world does not revolve around you. Though you may think this to be true… your problems are not more important than anyone else’s. Everyone has drama and baggage. We all have hurts that are hidden and some that are not so hidden, battle scars, trauma, damn girl it’s called LIFE. Every piece of hurt is intended to shape who you are. The key is to learn from our experiences… not to let them consume you.
Little girl… I was raised in an old school West Indian family. We were taught to have that elusive something called MANNERS. Say ‘excuse me’ when you’ve done something, ‘please’ when you want something, and ‘thank you’ when someone has done something for YOU. When you walk down the street you are not just representing yourself. You represent your entire family, your friends and your mate. Honor thy mother and father… I’m sure you’ve heard it… has it ever occurred to you that the attitude and disgraceful way you carry yourself makes people question where and how you were raised? Stop stomping through life like a bull in a china shop, because when you act like a barn animal rest assured the world will treat you like one.
Little girl… get over yourself. If someone expresses concern for your well being… be grateful. If someone gives you praise… be humble. When a person asks you ‘how are you’ give them an answer… and for God’s sake if someone tells you ‘I want to help’ or ‘I’m worried’ say a prayer of thanks because there are too many people in this life with no one to look out for them and too many others with no one to care. Walk in their shoes for a day and figure out that even though you may be wrapped up in your moment… someone took time out of THEIR day to think about YOU. That is not a right… it’s a f*cking privilege… treat it as such.
Little girl…. stop believing the lies bitter women, little boys and old fools tell you. Laying on your back is not a life skill. Please understand that. Save your life, cook a meal sometime. Nourish your soul and feed someone else once in a while. You are not a woman because you bleed once a month, and pushing out babies doesn’t do it either. You are woman when you learn to put the needs of others before your own, when you can sacrifice a little bit of something for yourself now in order to have alot of something for the people you care about later, and when you finally grasp the concept that tomorrow is not promised to you. Your beauty is not encompassed by a ‘tight weave’, or ‘flawless makeup’ or even a ‘bangin body’. Your beauty is encompassed by your actions, how you treat others, the love in your heart and the strength of your spirit. A woman is not measured by what lies between her thighs… but what rests between her ears.
Little girl… I’m going to say this just one time. Stay out of grown folks business… mind your own… and have some respect for yourself… because until you do… no one else will.
Straight Men and Vagina Envy…
I was sitting in a cafe on my lunch break listening to three men discuss a lesbian couple sitting at another table. They were going on and on about how ‘sexy’ the Femm was and how they could ‘give it to her real good’ and how ‘she doesn’t know what she’s missing’ and ‘she just aint had the right d*ck’ … blah blah blah. The interesting thing was their reaction to the AG, and I’m quoting here, “What the hell is that suppossed to be?” (this amidst alot of crotch grabbing and chuckles), “She can dress like a man but she aint never gonna have no d*ck”. They weren’t whispering so pretty much anyone in proximity could here them.
So I sat there nibbling on my lunch and paying quiet attention to the couple and the three idiot azzholes watching them while snickering like the simple children they were. I watched the AG pay the bill, get up… pull out her ladies chair and hand her… her purse. (They way she moved and the bit of the nostril flare let me know she was heated) I watched this play out, the Femm (obviously heated as well) took her purse, pushed in her chair and turned to face her partner. She stood up on her tippie toes and kissed her right in the middle of the cafe. (And this was a toe curler) Oddly enough this shut the men right up. When she broke this kiss she wrapped her arms around her AG’s neck pressed her forehead against hers and announced to the cafe at large. “I love you babe, you give me all the d*ck I need, let’s go home an f*ck”. Of course jaws dropped, the waitress laughed and the 3 idiot azzholes looked dazed and confused. LMFAO…
Now considering both the Femm and AG were beautiful people, this got me to thinking about the difference in the idiot azzholes perception of them.
I’m guessing we can all agree that straight men like the ‘idea’ of Femm lesbians, and fantasize about them while having some major issues with Studs/Doms/AGs.
A Femm is considered a challenge…
1. She has p*ssy.
2. She likes p*ssy.
3. Just the idea of 2 p*ssies in the same room is usually too much for most men to handle.
4. Oh and don’t forget they think they can get the p*ssy.
STUDs/DOMs/AGs are a threat.
1. Men like p*ssy.
2. Men want p*ssy.
3. WOMEN have the p*ssy.
4. STUDs/DOMs/AGs have inside knowledge of p*ssy.
5. STUDs/DOMs/AGs know what to do with p*ssy.
6. STUDs/DOMs/AGs have the nerve to not only HAVE p*ssy but to also GET p*ssy.
Obviously this drives them crazy.
And you too can get your azz beat…
I am soooo tired of some of you chicks assuming because you are dealing with women you are exempt from getting slapped in the face.
Newsflash for some of you… if you jump in the wrong woman’s face… or God forbid put your hands on her then YES you have given her a free pass to knock your azz out!
I’m a peace loving sort, (make love not war)… by no means an AG/Dom/Stud (blah blah blah whatever the f*ck they’re calling themselves these days) but I have news for you…
If you think you are going to get all up in MY face or have a temporary lapse in sanity & put your hands on me…
I won’t just slap you…
I won’t just punch you…
I WILL BEAT YOUR AZZ…
Choke you out…
And attempt to throw you into oncoming traffic.
Now I like my life and have no intention of catching any cases so take head to this:
I may like you…
We may get naked…
I may love you like I love my next breath…
BUT there are limits…
I’m a LADY first… please don’t test me…
We are both women
And NO ONE IS ABOVE AN AZZ WUPPIN!
(Taking a deep breath… I’m done) :-p
In the Beginning…
In the beginning there was the word, and the word was, “Hey mama, how are you today?” And we said, “Let there be light,” and opened our hearts up to the possibilities in a woman.
Is she for real? Is she the one? I hope she is sincere. She makes me feel so… damn… GOOD.
Step by step we prepare for the journey we will take to figure this one out. We smile when we think of her & whenever someone says her name. We catch ourselves daydreaming about her throughout our day. We long to feel her touch on our skin… and we WANT her.
We want her in our lives, so we make subtle changes to provide a place for her in it: seeing her on our lunch break, talking until 3 or 4 in the morning on the phone, random text messages all day and going to places that we wouldn’t have considered only two months prior.
Our pulses race when we smell her perfume. We get misty eyed when we make love, the ‘butterflies’ when we see her, and we want to touch her. We ALWAYS want to touch her: to let her know how much we care, to try and figure out where her thoughts are instead of just asking, “What are you thinking?” We want to touch her so we can FEEL and STAY connected… to make sure she is real, and to keep her with us.
“Do I deserve her?”
“She is too good to be true.”
“Something is bound to go wrong.”
“I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.”
“Can this woman really love me?”
“Can I TOUCH her Spirit?”
“Can she MOVE mine?”
In the beginning there was the word, and the word was, “Hey mama, how are you today?”
And when we said, “Let there be light,” we opened our hearts up to the possibility of THIS woman.
Do we embrace her and the experience… willing to accept whatever comes… knowing we are on the cusp of all of our dreams coming true or blinding heartbreak?
Do we accept the possibility of getting burned in order to dance in the fire? Or do we protect ourselves and walk away from the possibility of one the greatest joys ever intended for us?
Do we hold on to fear and hold back from her… when she may be the answer to the question we have been asking God since before we were born?
I don’t know about you,
But If God has an answer, I’m listening
(For the Most Important Woman in My Life)
She’s a strong woman, bold and wildly independent, has a heart like gold… a tongue sharp, like a razors edge but with an angel’s soul.
I watch her closely, yes… I’m forever trying to figure her out. She’s a walking contradiction, at times insecure, at times reckless but mostly just… proud.
She has pretty brown skin, and a voice like an angel… with eyes like fire, she’s the first… the first woman I adored, the first I admired.
She’s my source of affection, the first to show me love…. says she prayed for me everyday… till I was sent from up above.
In dark times, it’s her voice telling me things will get better, to not let faith go out of reach… and whenever I’m in her presence my spirit finds the most amazing sense of peace.
During times of unimaginable hurt… she tries to take the weight of my burdens… to lift me up, gives my spirit a boost… takes the world onto her shoulders… she fights with me… she fights for me, she fights for me over… and over…
She says if she could teach me two things…
The first would be to always remember the best parts of myself… even when the flaws seem to be too many. Beauty comes from treating others well… she said BEAUTY… not PRETTY.
The second is simple… no matter how much you may want something… no matter how often prayers for it may flow… there are times when the best answer God can give to you is very simply just… ‘No’.
I walk in her footsteps hoping everyday to make her proud… she’s my best friend, the love of my life, she’s the ninth wonder… She’s my heartbeat… my support system… I’m honored because she’s my mother.
Happy Birthday Mom you are my heartbeat 1/10/46 :-*
Love you always…. – Nova