Taking Ownership…

So yesterday I realized something about myself… I love hard… and the alternative… yes… just as hard. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always known I am an extremist, that’s not the epiphany.  You see LOVE has the power to change you. To make you better, stronger, a whole new person.  Everyone knows that or at least they should. The alternative works the same… it changes you. I made a choice a long time ago to work toward being a better person, a nice person, someone I could be proud of. So I put that inner evil bitch to bed and left her there.  This was the outcome *sigh*… I trusted blindly, without thought. I gave in abundance, without reason. I loved madly and I loved deeply, without provocation. I offered loyalty, adoration, lust, friendship… I spent money, time, and effort… I handed a place in MY LIFE… to people who neither wanted … nor deserved… any of it. There is being a no-nonsense type of person and there is being a terrible person. There is being a good person and there is being a victim. Where is the happy medium? SMH I realize I need to find a better way.

There is no THING more damaging than being ashamed of yourself, angry at yourself… disappointed in your choices.  It bends you into something else… something twisted and broken.  I find myself right back where I started… that inner evil bitch ready, willing and able to consume any and all good parts of myself. I can’t go skipping through life being better TO everyone despite how they are to me. It doesn’t come naturally… so I guess on some level it’s phony. I can’t continue to act as if trying to be better FOR everyone… despite how they are TO themselves…  makes life any better. I can however treat people the way I want to be treated.  The way I need to be treated. That was how I started out… trying to do the right thing. Always trying to do the right thing even in some cases when it meant hurting myself in the process smh.

I’m not really sure who I want to be. I know I don’t want to be something dark and twisted, but I can feel that inner evil bitch taking root, whispering “I told you so” on a daily basis. Feels kind of like being hugged by BITTERNESS… kissed by CYNICISM… and married to SUSPICION.  I don’t want to be THAT person. No… that’s not me either. Soooo I need to find a healthy balance for that inner evil bitch and being a GOOD person… being good TO people.  Doing the right thing and not doing harm to myself.

I’ve said for a while… “I’m a good person”. My personal truth… I’m not.  I’m nothing more than a work in progress… no more… no less. No better or worse than anyone. It’s funny because some think I’m opinionated… harsh in my judgments and it makes me nasty. Hmmn… I think it’s more like… the truth is… I am nasty.  When provoked, when hurt, while hurting, when abused or insulted, when used or ignored… yes… I am nasty. I’ve spent the last couple of years slowly damaging myself with questionable choices… letting others damage me with questionable intentions… not taking ANY necessary steps to protect… MYSELF. At some point… even for a wild dog… self-preservation kicks in. Fight or flight… is instinctual… for EVERYONE.

I’ve been going against my nature for so long I’m not sure who I am anymore. Years ago I looked in the mirror and didn’t like the person looking back at me so I decided to change her… and I did. I built a whole new life for myself… yet somehow… I’ve lost my way. I know that now… and I’m taking steps to find it again. When you try every day to be better than you were the day before you kind of forget to live in the moment, to enjoy it, savor it, learn from it and let it go as needed. I can no longer and will not allow negative people or things to take root in my spirit.

There is no perfect person so it always gives me pause when someone labels me ‘judgmental’ or ‘opinionated’, as though I believe I am God’s gift, as though I am unaware of my flaws and issues. It’s been said… “If you want better… you DO better”… so I TRY to do better. I am TRYING TO DO BETTER! Balance is necessary in the universe… light and dark… love and hate… good and evil. There is no worst critic… than the critic of self. There is no doubt greater… than the doubt of self. There is no harder judgment… than the judgment of self. Harsh… how my thoughts, ideas, and opinions can offend.  Harsher still when I apply those very same views to MY SELF! Think about that for a minute… then please step back and get over yourself. I barely recognize the person looking back at me in the mirror… trust and believe… you do not know me. For the select few that THINK you do… you truly have no idea. The world does not revolve around you. I am not holding YOU to a higher standard. I am holding MY SELF to a higher standard.

I believe it is the flaws that make us beautiful.

So here I am…

I’ve been blessed, admired, praised, respected…

and I am honored.

I’ve been bent, wounded, bloodied, and humbled…

and I surrender.

My life is my own…

and I give it to a higher power.

I will make mistakes.

I will make questionable choices.

Sadly…

YOU may not want this person in YOUR life…

and sadder still…

I may not NEED YOU… in mine.

I love hard… and the alternative…

yes…

just as hard…

I will say… and do terrible things…

and I will own them.

I will figure out what I did… where I went wrong…

and I will take the necessary steps to correct them.

I will do good works… I will help people.

I will do… and I will say… amazing things…

and I will own that too.

I will figure out what I did right…

how to do it better…

and I will take the necessary steps…

to grow into the person I was born to be.

Father I’m ready.

–       NovaCSA