The Forgotten…

Someone asked the question “Do you fear being forgotten” to which I answered: “I try to make an impact on the lives of the people I care for. Even if I’m forgotten… it’s the impact that ultimately matters”.

So now I’m thinking to myself, “Self… what kind of attitude is that? Everyone wants to be remembered.” I don’t know… if I do something to make a person or their life better… listen when they need it most… feed them when they’re hungry… I’m doing it because I wanted to… because they should HAVE better… should DO better… should BE better… because they deserve it… because I love them. There is never an expectation for ANYTHING in return. I’ll listen, talk, taste, hug, pass funds, squeeze, advise, rant, laugh, joke, cry and fight with my loved ones whenever they need it… simply because they need it. Concepts like ‘thank you’ and ‘you did this for me’ are foreign to me. I don’t need those things… I just need MY people in MY life.

Should be simple… RIGHT.

I’m going to see my uncle in Boston… cancer is back on the scene… slow… progressive and frightening. There are things that need to be addressed with Mom… regarding her health… smh life as we know it is about to change.

Interestingly enough there are a select few ‘I WISH…’ would forget me. Even worse are the ones; ‘I WISH…’ I’d never met to begin with.  Yes, yes… that would be YOU… you low life thieving bitch (stay off my page… and go choke to death on a dirty dick).

It get’s to be overwhelming at times; Family problems, friend problems, lover problems, ex- lover problems, co worker problems, stranger on the street problems etc. Yesterday I had a ‘scare’ (is that what you would call it? *shrugs*).  On my way home I stood on the edge of a crowded subway platform… (the usual routine) when the headlights of the oncoming train could be seen maybe from the next station… this kid (maybe 15 or 16) takes off running in the middle of the crowd. Considering I work on Madison Ave with all of the foo foo corporate execs you could monitor the progress of this kid in the crowd (looked like the parting of the Red Sea); a black boy in the usual uniform of Timbs, Jeans, Hoodie, Bubble vest.  I don’t even know what he was running for but as the train starts pulling into to station I realize he’s heading right for me. As in FOR ME… not TOWARD ME.

So I shift to move out of his way… and shift right into the man standing directly behind me… directly behind as in ON MY AZZ. SMH the whole thing turned into one of those movie moments… the ones where everything slows down… and then shifts into high speed in brighter focus. When he reaches me… and we are eye to eye naturally he stumbles on someone’s shoe, foot, bag, (who the hell knows) and pitches to the left (right toward the train tracks) and raises his hand to steady himself… grabbing my scarf (around my neck at the time in case I didn’t mention it)… and of course his momentum started dragging my body with him TOWARD the TRACKS.

In that instant I had 4 very clear thoughts:

“Is he DRAGGING me with him onto the tracks!?”

“F*ck Outta Here… this is not gonna be some Lifetime Movie special moment… “

“He’s so young…”

“Stay off of platforms…”

Altogether I’ve lived in NYC for more years than I can count… I’ve never had an experience such as this one. I grabbed his wrist, he grabbed my wrist and we looked at each other… smh he was so young… pretty… fresh faced… with the GREENEST eyes I’ve ever seen and just as he was about to fall into the tracks… with an ‘M’ train barreling into the station they guy behind me grabbed my waist and pulled me (and this man child) backward… AWAY from the tracks and oncoming train… and as I steadied myself and started to thank the dude behind me this boy stops long enough to catch his breath right before the train doors open… he looks up at me and says “You are BEAUTIFUL!” then takes off running again. In the chaos of folks getting off the train, folks getting on I lost sight of him.

Now my mama says everything happens for a reason… and we picked this thing apart. He wasn’t running toward me… and he was obviously running from SOMETHING or SOMEONE. Almost gets us both splattered…  WTF is that? This kid almost gets himself killed (and probably me along with him) no apology… nothing… just ‘you’re beautiful’ does he not like his life?

Anyway… my point is I always SAY tomorrow is not promised. I always TRY to do the right thing by everyone else. The Devil on my shoulder is whispering things like:

“F*ck everbody else, make yourself happy.”

“You’re still young.”

“Just TRY being a b*tch for a while… you might just like it.”

“This self-assigned role of ‘being there’ for everybody? Take some time off. Let them fend for themselves… YOU have to.”

And do you know what? I think I have to.  I’m not turning into a b*tch (because really what’s the point) but I do think I need to take some time off… time off from my life and from the people in it. Family, friends, lovers, ex- lovers, co workers, strangers on the street? Right now… I want nothing to do with any of it. I think I need a reboot… recharge my batteries… because folks are still bringing me their sh*t to fix… and right now… I’ve got nothin.

My personal mantra remains the same: “I try to make an impact on the lives of the people I care for. Even if I’m forgotten… it’s the impact that ultimately matters”.  Later… this will have to be LATER. Right now? I’m shutting off.

 – Nova