Effect…
So yesterday was an 18 hour day… 7 of which was shooting for Tru Diva and Art of Curves. A loooong day. Running around doing make up, hair, getting styled, poked, primped, prodded, gushed over, felt up, propositioned, barked at… time check, time check, time check! Hectic… chaotic… nerve wracking… exciting… amazing… smh I loved every minute of it.
As sick as I am (damned sinus infection) I was bouncing off the walls. Up since 5AM a little weary… but full of energy. I haven’t modeled in a couple of years… got caught up in the day job and the nonsense of everyday life *shrugs* it happens. Sense memory is a hell of a thing… around 2PM, when everyone was running around ‘HAIR’…. And getting frustrated ‘MAKEUP’… and shouting orders ‘THOSE AREN’T THE EARRINGS WE WANT! WHERE ARE THE EARRINGS’… I closed my eyes.
As I stood there standing perfectly still… arms out as one set of hands moved my hair this way… then that way, as another set of hands shifted the clothes this way… then that way, as yet another set of hands slid my 6 “ gold gladiator sandals from London onto my feet, as another set of hands draped chains across my body, as a buffer brush was used to polish the make up on my face. I listened to the numerous questions, grumblings, demands and statements around me and I was taken back to my very first photo shoot… 2004… 9 years ago… wow.
Back then I was curious… didn’t really know what to do… awkward… and EXCITED lol. In that moment yesterday I was taken back to that perfect memory… the sounds (the same)… the sights (the same)… the scents (the same)… the emotions (the same). It felt like I was home. A feeling I get when writing… when cooking… when surrounded by friends… when surrounded by family… when wrapped in my loves arms (smh she gives great hugs *sigh*)… when playing with Ely and Ivan… or when taking something apart, figuring out how it works and putting it back together again. I was HOME.
The day swept by fairly quickly… shooting for two different campaigns and updating my portfolio… we didn’t stop to eat… drink some water… wardrobe change… drink some ginger ale… makeup change… drink some more water… hair style change… drink some more ginger ale… set change. Time check, time check, time check! Hectic… chaotic… nerve wracking… exciting… amazing… smh I loved every minute of it.
When I laid down on a bed of fur for the last set of shots… I’m relieved… we are almost done. TIME CHECK! 4:02 PM… the photographer hands me his camera as I’m sitting on the ground (on that awesome bed of fur lol) and I go through the days frames… Some are good… Some are great… some are awful lol and some are amazing… it’s the most perfect moment of the day… I’m filled with satisfaction (we got the job done)… with peace… (I made it through the day without falling over lol)… and with the overwhelming urge to call her (a need to share this perfect moment with her).
Of all the people in my life to think of… to call… to want to reach out to… smh I think of her. WTF… and as usual I’m filled with an overwhelming sadness (I miss her) and my eyes tear up.. “That’s a wrap PEOPLE!!” someone shouts and we all break out into smiles, whooping and applause. “FOOD!” I hear from the back of the studio as I hand the photographer back the camera and rise from that awesome bed of fur. A bittersweet end to an awesome day… because I can’t call her. I can’t share these moments with her. I can’t NEED her anymore… not to listen… not to be there… not to help… not to share my problems or important events in my life. No… I need to heal… to grow and to be at peace with myself, with her and with my role in my heartbreak. Maybe we can talk tomorrow… or the day after. She’ll always own a private corner in my heart… and my spirit will remain restless until the day I can reach out… I accept that maybe she’ll be receptive and maybe she wont *sigh*. All I know is I need to be a better person for myself and a better friend for her. I’m just not there yet (some insane compulsion to hug her close and kiss her face smh… I’ll get over it lol).
My friends Erin, Craig, Blacque and Nadiyah were there for me. Erin helping when requested and getting kicked off the set throughout the day lol “You are SEXY! I can’t be responsible for my actions when we get home tonight!” and “OOOOH you make loooooove to the camera! Go head mama!” SMH a mess lol. Craig running around upon request… Blacque in charge of set design… the pictures… and concepts… and Nadiyah working with the styling. I stood there… in my bra and boy shorts… looking out at everyone in the midst of packing up the days chaos and I was filled with a sense of peace. There is LOVE in this room.
And I took a moment to say a prayer of thanks… closed my eyes and thanked God for the gifts in my life. I have the most amazing people in my life and I am twice blessed, thrice blessed (hmm how do you say 4 times blessed?) lol because everyone I’ve loved… friends, family, lovers… has been a wild assortment of the most exceptional people I’ve ever met. My heart may make take foolish risks… but never foolish choices. Every joy… every pain… every smile… every tear… has brought me to this moment. They’ve all made me better and they’ve made me stronger. There are moments of crystal clarity in every person’s life … defining moments. Dark days are coming for my family… and I’m going to need all the strength I can get. So yes… I love my loves… all of them… and having been blessed with them as my touch stones… YES… I’m thankful.
Next stop… the runway! SMH Oh how I hate runway lol… but I’ll make it work ;-). Now… If I can just manage to figure out how NOT to make myself sick when miserable or stressed I’ll be perfect. Hmmm… now where are those antibiotics lol? :-*
– Nova