And the Beat Goes On…

I find myself in a constant rotation of motion… I think… I react… I burn brighter than any flame…
I spent too much time on men who I never mattered to… trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of what a ‘Good Little Haitian Girl’ is supposed to grow up to be.

Quiet… submissive… house keeper… baby maker… did I say Quiet… Submissive?

I grew up in a world where the ‘funny uncle’ was the perpetual ‘uninvited’, and when he was required to make an appearance he was the object of everyone’s scorn… the butt of the jokes… the great big elephant in the room.
LESBIAN? What is that?
There weren’t any… to be clear… there AREN’T any.

I find myself in a constant rotation of motion… I think… I react… I burn brighter than any flame…
I spent too much time on men who never mattered to me… trying to live up to my expectations of what I wanted this ‘Good Little Haitian Girl’ to be.

Creative… resourceful… lover… mother… did I say Creative… Resourceful?

I made a life for myself comprised of close ties to my mother…my sister… my niece… I loved and was loved by straight friends dated men that ranged from ‘good on paper’ to ‘wildly inappropriate’…
And when the time came for naked contact in the dark… I closed my eyes and thought…

“Milk… eggs… broccoli… Cocoa Pebbles”
“I wonder if I took the trash out”
“Have to remember to clean the litter box tomorrow”
“Geeze… is he DONE yet”

LESBIAN? What is that?
There weren’t any… to be clear… there AREN’T any.

I finally spent some time on women who I didn’t matter to… trying to live up to everyone else’s expectations of what a ‘Newly minted Lezbo’ was supposed to be.

Confused… bisexual… wild… promiscuous… did I say Confused… Bisexual?

I laid the foundation for a new life… one filled with girls and intimacy… connections… and yes FINALLY orgasms. I started to accept the possibility that MAYBE men… just were not for me. I admitted that I actually had not dated… had sex with… or thought about any man since the first time I got naked with a woman.

LESBIAN? What is that?
There weren’t any… to be clear… there was one now.

I find myself in a constant rotation of motion… I think… I react… I burn brighter than any flame…
I spent too much time on women who never mattered to me… trying to live up to my expectations of what I wanted this ‘Lesbian’ to be.
Soft… submissive… feminine… without opinion… did I say Soft… Submissive?

I make no apologies… I accept my past and the woman it’s made me today. Sure I lived for a few years with my ‘Old School’ Haitian mother opening up every convo with “Are you still doing THAT?” and I listened to random people give me ‘advice’ about not giving up on men and “you just haven’t had the right d*ck”.

Seriously??? I’m not a Ferris wheel… everyone does not get a ride.

My friends… and family love me… so that sums it up for them.
As for mom… I sat her down and candidly explained that my best experience with a man…
Mentally… emotionally… physically… (and let’s be honest) sexually… was NOWHERE near better than my WORST experience with a woman.
And my beautiful mothers answer??? “WOOOOOOOOW…. that’s harsh” (lmao sorry still sends me into fits of giggles). It has never come up again… and while I’m smart enough to know she doesn’t approve… and it’s not the life she would have chosen for me… she accepts it… because I’m hers.

LESBIAN? What is that?
A Gem among Gems… to be clear… that’s me… that’s all of us.

I find myself in a constant rotation of motion… I think… I react… I burn brighter than any flame…
I embrace the life I live… I acknowledge that I’m hand crafted… custom made for ‘Her’… whoever ‘She’ may be. We’ll find our way to each other when we are meant to. In the meantime I bust my azz daily to deserve her because I know that she is ‘everything’ and she deserves ‘everything’.

Smart… honest… lover… partner… did I say Smart… Honest?

Our future children will grow up in a world where the ‘funny relatives’ are the ones with the jokes, and we will make our appearance as ‘family’ remaining steadfast in our loyalty and regard for one another…

There will always be someone ‘disapproving’… there will always be ridicule and let’s be honest… we’ll probably still be the great big elephant in the room… but without struggle and self acceptance there can never be progress.

LESBIAN? What is that?
Me… and I don’t mind telling you… I’m pretty f*ckin AWESOME.

– Nova