She’s FAT!
We live in a world where appearances matter… from your skin color… to your hairstyle… your height and most definitely you weight. My hips and thighs grew bigger as I got older… listening to the constant nag nag nag of a Haitian mother telling me things like:
“Oh My God… you’re too FAT!”
“Man… when are you going to lose some weight!?”
“Oh come on… the fat makes you UGLY!”
“Sam… you are too BIG…”
*Shrugs* and all of this before the age of 18… daily… FOR YEARS. Growing up in a household like this one you develop a thicker skin EARLY.
“I’m not losing weight because YOU want me to!”
“I’m beautiful ANYWAY!”
SMH some develop serious body image issues… oh no…not me… I just developed a mental block. I was fat… but I was fine. My yearly physicals were always great, my quality of life wasn’t hindered blah blah blah… no real incentive to CHANGE anything.
September 2012 THAT changed.
My doctor happily reported SEVERAL different problems directly related to my having a fat azz. So I took a month to decide what I wanted to do. In October I started forming a plan to change my life… I am going to lose weight. My doctor’s goal… 100 lbs (which to me sounded unrealistic at the time). You have to take into consideration I was the HEAVIEST I’ve ever been n she wanted me to lose 100lbs? My big booty was never a hindrance to anything other than Gym class growing up. I was fully developed and shaped like a 25 year old by the time I was 13. I hated running because of all of the bouncing involved…but I hated JUMPING more…needless to say if it didn’t involve swimming or riding my bike? I was not interested.
100lbs… I had to really sit myself down and wrap my head around this number. Could I do it? (No Way). Should I do it? (Most definitely) So I started the process.
Going over my dating history I knew the extra pounds were a deterrent for some. A big ol azz is not necessarily a PREFERENCE, but… do I want those people in my life anyway? Growing up I was pretty much left to my own devices… no one monitored my eating habits. When the weight was officially out of hand I was badgered daily with the warm and fuzzy sentiments above. People still found me attractive (male and female)… and I believe I was 23 the very FIRST time someone used my weight to be insulting (to my face anyway). I learned early that I had to see and appreciate MY beauty (rolls and all) because the rest of the world probably wouldn’t.
So I started the process… I’ve even set a personal goal of 129lbs… I’m working on it… 35lbs down as of last week… and in the midst of coming to terms with the extra pounds I’ve been dragging around all these years I hear from a person that inspires LOVE in ME…”You are beautiful… you are amazing… you are everything I’ve ever wanted in a woman… but I could never be with you because of the weight. I found you attractive… I tried it… I’m not shallow… it’s just a preference. I love you… you’re an amazing person… but I can’t do it. Honestly? 100lbs is not enough for me… 129lbs would probably still not be enough.”
*sigh* We teach our daughters that ‘Happily Ever After’ exists… Little girls are spoon fed ‘Love Conquers All’ practically from the womb… What do you do to prepare a woman for something like that? It’s body fat… not the end of the world. So a woman that believes her pussy is mass transit ‘everybody get’s a ride’ can inspire a deep abiding love? A woman that repeatedly disrespects you… can inspire an urge to COMMIT yourself to her… even though she’s made it clear… that you inspire no such urge in her? A woman that sabotages you… whenever she sees you making any form of progress that does not involve her… that woman? She’s the object of your devotion? The source for your affection? Oh wait… she’s not fat. OK.
When the truth was finally starting to come out I flipped out. A lover… someone I loved… someone whose opinion actually MATTERED to me… found me repulsive… because of this weight. Weight I had already decided to get rid of… weight I was actively shedding. How ironic is that? Frustrating… *sigh* ironic nonetheless. I still love her… I hate her guts (a small part of me probably always will) but she’s a good person, deserving of all of those things she wants in her life… including a size 0 bed buddy… so I’ll get it over it.
I keep this sign above my monitor at work “Lord Help Me the Devil wants me FAT!” and I think it would be soooo easy to fall into old patterns, but I won’t… because I started losing the weight for myself… not for her. I don’t think getting on the scale will ever be the same. Something that wasn’t torn before is in shreds in the background and while I forgive HER (for her foolishness) I’ll never forgive that. A person’s sense of self-worth is a deceptively fragile thing. She’s no size 0 herself… honestly the biggest woman I’ve been with to date… yet HER weight was NEVER an issue for me. I wanted the woman… WHO CARES ABOUT WEIGHT? Maybe her size was an issue for her? I don’t know… *shrugs* it’s irrelevant now though.
Stuff like this messes with your mental… I’m not one for coulda, woulda, shoulda… it just.. ‘is what it is’. It feels like the ones you trust the most… the ones you love the most… and the ones you would do anything to make happy… are usually the ones who end up f*cking you over. I’m still on my weight loss journey. Still working out like a beast and eating right. I don’t think people realize the permanent marks they leave on a person’s spirit. The long term, far reaching impact their actions have on a person’s life… the paths they choose to take and the person they’ll ultimatly become BECAUSE of the things you said or did. I’m beautiful.
I’m BEAUTIFUL… and I’m fat.
Being a woman… body image can wreak havoc on the psyche. You want your lovers to think you are awesome and amazing and desirable. You want to inspire… passion and lusty thoughts in them. You don’t want to hear “It was a problem for me. For ME… it’s my problem not yours, I was attracted to you, I tried… I enjoyed you… rolls and all… I just can’t do it.” How does one respond to that? She’s entitled to her opinion… she’s entitled to her preferences… she’s entitled to want and feel and admire and be passionate about whatever it is she wants out of life… but setting fire to another person’s sense of self-worth even involuntarily… is no bueno.
I freely admit I had to drag all of this out of her… I felt I had to… since it was the culmination of a couple of months’ worth of side comments and then blatant indifference. I want her to be happy… so I forgive her. That forgiveness doesn’t make the experience any less damaging. In the end I walk away and acknowledge that while she gave it the ‘old college try’… there are hundreds who DON’T… and thousands who WON’T.
She’s fat… NEXT!
How many times? How many opportunities skipped right by me… work, adventures, love?
She’s FAT! NEXT!
How many times has this issue… this major issue… been the deciding factor for someone/something?
SHE’S FAT!!!! NEXXXXXXXXXXXXXT!
*shrugs* I’m not beaten by it… just trying to make sure I learn the right lesson.
We live in a world where appearances matter… from your skin color… to your hairstyle… your height and most definitely you weight. My hips and thighs grew bigger as I got older… listening to the constant nag nag nag of a Haitian mother telling me things like:
“Oh My God… you’re too FAT!”
“Man… when are you going to lose weight!?”
“Oh come on… the fat makes you UGLY!”
“Sam… you are too BIG…”
*Shrugs* and all of this before the age of 18… daily… FOR YEARS. Growing up in a household like this you HAVE TO develop a thicker skin. It is made apparent to you DAILY… until you can pack your bags and get the fuck out… that YOU as a PERSON will never be good enough AS YOU ARE.
“I’m not losing weight because YOU want me to!”
“I’m beautiful ANYWAY!”
What’s the point of giving love and affection… if it’s ultimately being weighed against YOUR WEIGHT? What’s the point of treating people well… if all you are ultimately being judged on is HOW YOU LOOK? SMH… it just seems like the ones who give respect to those they care for… just don’t get it back… but then… how could I expect an unconditioned acceptance from any LOVER… when I can’t get it from my own MOTHER?
Again… I’m just trying to make sure I learn the right lesson. I’m trying very hard not to view people as disposable as they obviously view me… *shrugs* its a work in progress. The weight I can lose and I’m working on it. However the experience has changed me… I can’t quite put my finger on what the difference is… but there is definitely a difference.
I’m not bitter, or angry, or holding a grudge ‘hey… you like what you like’ right? She’s an awesome and amazing person and she’s taught me alot about myself and my capacity to love. I want nothing but happiness for her in all things. However I believe falling for someone who could view my value to them… THIS way… says more about me… (something very WRONG with ME) than it does about her (and whatever her problem happens to be). Yet another thing for me to think about.
Something like this changes you… it would shatter most. It rocks your belief that you are loved for WHO you are as a person. I believe I’m a beautiful spirit because of… and despite of… my big ol azz… someone just as deserving of respect, loyalty and love as the last bitch. The heart wants what it wants though… * sigh*… right now… my heart just wants a vacation.
SMH… I’m not the same as I was before… and I don’t know what that means yet…
– Nova