Random
Under Construction…
Calm...
Humble...
Patient...
Doing the best I can...
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Edge of Reason…
Soooo I figured out years ago that I am Bridget Jones… awkward… chunky… cute as a button, horribly clumsy and predictably accident prone… Haitian… Bridget Jones. Mind you when I first saw the movie… I watched it all through a decidedly horrified state… kind of like one would watch a car accident, I had mixed emotions… I felt sorry for her, angry at myself for seeing so many similarities between myself and a woman who was just… just… well… there really isn’t a nice way to put it. She was just sad…. pathetic really.
I started taking stock of my life and discovered I didn’t much care for the person I caught looking at me every time I looked in a mirror. She was mean spirited, cautious, angry, and on a sure course to becoming bitter. I didn’t like her very much. Add to that the decidedly ‘Jones’ ish attributes and I was past the realm of disgusted with myself.
I sat down and identified the things about my life I wanted to change… the things I NEEDED to change, and so my journey began. Who has time to be angry ALL of the time!? Not this one. Who has the energy to be concerned with the things people think… the things they say ALL of the time?! Not this one. Who has time to worry about the things they haven’t done, the places they haven’t gone and a love probably never to be realized ALL of the time?! Not this one.
So I took the steps necessary to change my life. DISCIPLINE!!! With food, my attitude, opinions and life. It may sound like a small thing… but I grew up in a house where discipline in the afore mentioned areas was nonexistent. I’d never been a perfectionist but I decided then and there I’d work to be the most perfect version of Nova I could possibly be.
Tonight I sip my cocktail concoction (Neapolitan ice cream, Irish cream liquor, and Vodka) watching Bridget Jones the Edge of Reason… laughing my azz off… Yes… I am definitely a variation of Bridget Jones. Vulnerable, silly, quirky, honest, awkward and beautiful Bridget Jones, let’s face it… Renee Zellweger is a cutie… reminds me of cotton candy and puppies (shrugs) I could do a lot worse lol.
I treat people the way I want to be treated. Give them respect up front and surprise them with laughter. I’m still mean spirited deep down… lol and I pray on it every day… Every Day people… EVERY DAY!!
I’m still cautious… but I realize that a little bit of caution can be a life saver. I just choose not to mislabel caution for fear. I’m afraid like everyone else… I just choose not to be crippled by it. As for the bitterness that was sneaking up on me. Why bother? My hurts are not more important than anyone else’s, my joys are. I’d rather be happy with myself than killing myself to please other people.
I changed my life course 5 years ago. I was definitive in the course of action I wanted to take for the past 3 years, embraced my silent lesbian… YES LESBIAN. I came out to my friends, my family, blah blah blah. Watching my mom struggle with it to this very day is hard. It will always be hard. Every girl wants her mother to see her as a woman she can be proud of. While my mom loves me… with this… I can’t say proud comes to her mind. My friends and even my sister were all supportive… not really surprised at all but VERY supportive.
I figured out that women are just as hurtful as men. Just as mean, just as superficial, demanding, unresponsive and ungrateful, but I think it’s the irrational, unreasonable and unforgiving that gives me the most pause. I’m watching this intelligent, beautiful woman tell BRIDGET JONES how much she loves her. SMH… OF COURSE she does!!! Who wouldn’t? I discovered something new about myself. I’m perfectly lovable for the ones worth MY love. Confused? So was I for a long time LMAO!
I have people tell me all of the time ‘You’re so much happier since you became a lesbian’. To them I say you are mistaken, I’m just happy. I made a lot of life choices all at once. It wasn’t any one thing in particular that turned the tide. I just wanted to KNOW myself… to LOVE myself… whether or not anyone else did. I’m not perfect… just a work of art, a work in progress really… but you have to respect the artist. God doesn’t make mistakes. :-p
SO I’ve adopted the ‘f*ck it’ attitude, I help folks where I can but steer away from their drama… after all I have my own problems. LOL. Side bar about my weight, I read something awesome the other day… “I’ve finally figured out my body type… I’m an Hour Glass with Extra Minutes.” YESSSSSSS! Truer words were never spoken.
My niece asked me recently, “Auntie Sam… do you think you’ll ever get married” to which I replied “I don’t know, but even if I don’t I plan on living my life. I will do all of the things I’ve always wanted to do. Life is too short to wait for someone or something that MIGHT happen.” So I’m working on my credit… paying my bills… and looking at houses. I have 3 cat’s, 1 dog and a pretty Beta Fish named Magick (Work in progress remember?) Lol .While I have an abundance of love to give to someone else I think loving myself is just as important. After all if I don’t love me… who will?
So I’ve rambled… on and on… something I haven’t done in a big long while. VERY therapeutic… lol. Wow its after midnight… and Bridezilla’s is on. CRAZY chicks getting MARRIED!!! Lol, yeah… all of those grooms DESERVE everything they get. Sooo many people choose misery wrapped up in a gorgeous face and a bangin body. it’s just funny to see it all play out. Sorry, guilty pleasure SMH don’t judge me…
Well folks this variation of a chocolate caramel dipped Bridget Jones is signing off, sooooo ,much to do in the coming weeks!! Thank God for Chocolate and Vodka.
– Nova :-*
Sunday sun with my babies…
Yesterday I was out all day in the sun volunteering at The American Cancer Society Relay for Life at the Brooklyn Ikea. Looooong day… Lots of heart breaking stories but lots of inspiring ones as well. We tend to forget how strong the human spirit is. Face to face with so many survivors of cancer it put things into perspective.
There were children playing games, families picnicking… dancing and celebration. There were dozens and dozens of bikers from all over. During the opening ceremony all of the bikes were lined up side by side in the parking lot and they all revved their engines at the same time for a full m minute… DEAFENING…. ear piercing… and amazing all at the same time. Nadiyah, Blacque and I shared a booth with Ikea… we set up a sea of makeup on the counter (girls and their toys lol) and gave the ladies make overs. It was an emotional day. I was hungry, tired, hurting and on edge but I worked through it because there are things in this life that are bigger than our immediate comforts. It was a beautiful experience… Can’t wait to do it again.
A full week of things planned. Just finished watching Goonies and now I’m watching Karate Kid (love me some Pat Morita) my landlord’s minions are out back cutting the grass. When they are done I’m going to go out and treat the yard for bugs… Prune the rosebush out front… Plant some flowers out back… See what happens. I’m firing up the grill to jerk some chicken… the lap top is charging… I’ve rolled a good looking one… My book is on hand…. Me and my boys are going to lay out in the Sun. Mmmm maybe I’ll run to the market to pick up some sugar cane and mint… I see Mojitos in my future.
Ex… why?
In the beginning it was friendship… she said I was smart… she said I was beautiful… I’m the one made for making someone very happy. I met her years and years ago. She was sassy… fun… and quick to defend those she cared for…. but we didn’t connect and didn’t agree on anything. She was the one that gave me the good sense to stop trying to conform to the worlds girl loves boy ways… while she drove me insane… she also taught me my capacity for love… the lengths I would go for someone I cared for… and for myself… but it just didn’t work… kind of like trying to catch hold of a rainbow… have you ever tried? Impossible.
Last night it was a phone call… she says she loves me… misses me… She’s the one I’m made for. I met her 3 years ago… She was Gentle… Sweet…Stunning… but we didn’t connect and didn’t agree on anything. She loved me… I loved her… but it just didn’t work… kind of like a fish and bird falling in love. Where would they live?
Last week it was a letter… she says she loves… misses me… she’s the one I’m made for. I met her 9 months ago… she was caring… attentive… ambitious…. but we didn’t connect and didn’t agree on anything. There was love… and there was chaos. Hours and hours of endless arguing… it just didn’t work… kind of like trying to hug a porcupine. Ouchy… not my idea of a good time.
When you look back on your life you realize there are worse things than being unlucky in love worse things than feeling alone even in the presence of the one you want the most. The past ones taught me lessons I knew I needed to learn. The present one taught me to not care so much… go with the flow right? (Shrugs) Maybe the future one will teach me something magic. Who knows? I’m hopeful.
I approach people trusting and hopeful… Everyone else is guarded and secretive… Hmmm it’s a new day… so I think I’ll change my approach… trust is earned after all… and hope… well… I’ll walk with faith instead… in myself…and whatever I’m meant for. There may be adoration… appreciation… and respect. I like her… she likes me… but when it just doesn’t seem to work… it’s kind of like trying to breathe under water… struggling at first… then everything fades to black… and before you even realize it… you’re drowning.
My friends say never make someone a priority when you are only an option…
Let’s be real… the world has only a handful of priorities while the options are limitless.
Me? I’m a priority, just maybe not to you… understood.
My internal bit of selfish…
Like most women I think my lover should be able to read my mind. Based on endless hours of conversation she should know how to endear herself in that special corner of my heart, but the realist? The realist is me knows better. So I’ll share something with you…
I’m used to not having… whether its attention… material things… or affection… (shrugs). I’m kinda used to doing things for myself. To be honest… I think conditioned might be a better word. I’ve been conditioned to just do things… well… for myself. The result? I struggle with the concept of leaning on someone else… depending on someone else… needing someone else to be there for me, and just plain asking for what I want.
So today… I’m telling deep dark secrets… giving you an inside look into what makes my heart beat fast.
My favorite colors are green and blue… depends on my mood.
I love to cook… but for a change…secretly I would love it if breakfast, lunch or dinner magically appeared for me.
I’m not a ‘women’s libber’ I love having doors opened for me… chairs pulled out… heavy things carried… treat me like a LADY. I don’t always need it… but it’s nice to have the offer.
My favorite forms of affection are hugs… front… back… side… just hug me damn it!
Mmm … I love kisses… on the lips… forehead… palm of my hand… Eskimo… just kiss me already!
Tell me what you’re feeling… tell me about your family… tell me about your past… tell me what you’re thinking… talk to me… I need it.
I adore martial arts movies… my favorite is The Storm Riders… (I have it on VHS yeah… yeah I know) and I’ve been looking for it on DVD, but it looks like I’ll have to hunt it down online.
I love Roses… orange, yellow, white, pink…but secretly I love Orchids and Bamboo… especially that curly bamboo.
I love Horror Movies… mainly because I don’t like to be afraid of anything so it’s kind of my version of shock therapy lol.
Come away with me… let’s take a trip… can I interest you in a Bed and Breakfast, cabin on the mountain, a plane ticket to someplace exotic? Or a day trip to Philly, AC, DC…. Shit ANYWHERE… so long as I’m with you.
I love Honeysuckle, Jasmine, and Sunflowers… poetry… chocolate… mangos… mmmm
Rub my back… conversations in the dark… wash my dishes… tell me a joke…
Sunrise… sunset… rainy days… rainy nights… thunderstorms…. Mmmm…
Read to me… something you love… something you wrote… the phone book…the alphabet… Woman I don’t care… it’s the sound of your voice I crave…
Paint my bedroom ceiling… feed my pets… charge my cell phone, tell me I’m smart….
Hold my hand… pray with me… walk with me in the rain… let’s make some snow angels…
Stand on the pier with me… tell me a story… learn to do something I love, simply because I love to do it.
Look at me when the makeup is off… my glasses are on… and tell me… I’m beautiful… and for the love of God… MEAN IT.
Dance with me… Sing with me… laugh with me…
Buy me something… I don’t care if it costs $1.00 or $1,000.00… something… anything… let me know I was on your mind…
Like my mom’s cooking… but love mine (yup…yup… I said it…) tell me about something exotic and different you’d like to eat… tell me what your favorite food is.
Keep me company in the kitchen… I don’t always need it… but MAN… it’s just plain… sweet .
Rub my neck when I don’t feel good… hold me till I fall asleep…
If you’re a painter… paint something for me… If you’re a singer… sing something for me… if you’re a writer… write something for me… if you’re a teacher… teach me something… if you’re a dancer… well… dance.
I love animals with a special love affair going on with anything feline… Lions…. Tigers… Leopards… sigh…
I love the circus… the zoo… the theater… want to see Evita… come with me to Monster Jam… Jersey Boys… Rent… Rock of Ages… mmmm possibilities.
Sit through the ballet with me… or opera… what about the symphony?
Take me to your favorite places… show me your favorite things…
Make love to me… make me see stars… find my tender spots…
Touch me like you mean it… like it’s important to you… like I’m important.
To simplify… what I give to you… give it back… isn’t that easy?
– Nova
Limitless…
Love comes in many forms…
Family…
Friendships…
Lovers…
I am honored by the great loves in my life.
– Nova
Love Songs…
I believe you can tell a lot about a person by listening to the music that speaks to their spirit… so in the interest of ‘getting to know me’ I’m sharing some of my loves and why. There are so many that make my spirit buzz and my heart skip a beat… the rare ones that capture your attention the first time you hear them… the ones that make you nod your head in agreement and want to shout ‘YES!’ because they are telling your story….
People sleep on ‘Country’… I’m not sure if it’s the accents, the instruments or some of the more maudlin lyrics. In any event ya’ll are missing out on some b*e*a*u*t*i*f*u*l stuff.
This is a Garth Brooks song, I’ve always felt that if two lovers could feel this way about each other, there would be nothing impossible for them to achieve… for themselves… or for each other. I tried to go over the lyrics to pull out something… anything… that rubbed my heart better than the rest… and nothing. It’s just a really great song… and guess what… when I’m in love… I happen to be that fool for her smh…
Hmmm maybe I’ll outgrow it? Anyway I’m rambling… the lyrics are below… Sorry for the lengthy stuff but read them… all of them…
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SHAMELESS…
Well I’m shameless when it comes to loving you
I’ll do anything you want me to
I’ll do anything at all
And I’m standing here for all the world to see
Oh baby that’s what’s left of me
Don’t have very far to fall
You know I’m not a man who’s ever been
Insecure about the world I’ve been livin’ in
I don’t break easy I have my pride
But if you need to be satisfied
I’m shameless, oh honey I don’t have a prayer
Every time I see you standin’ there
I go down upon my knees
And I’m changin’ swore I’d never compromise
Oh but you convinced me otherwise
I’ll do anything you please
You see in all my life I’ve never found
What I couldn’t resist what I couldn’t turn down
I could walk away from anyone I ever knew
But I can’t walk away from you
I have never let anything have this much control over me
I work too hard to call my life my own
And I’ve made myself a world and it’s worked so perfectly
But it’s your world now I can’t refuse
I’ve never had so much to lose
Oh I’m shameless
You know it should be easy for a man who’s strong
To say he’s sorry or admit when he’s wrong
I’ve never lost anything I’ve ever missed
But I’ve never been in love like this
It’s out of my hands
I’m shameless, I don’t have the power now
I don’t want it anyhow
So I got to let it go
Oh I’m shameless, shameless as a man can be
You make a total fool of me
I just wanted to you to know
Oh I’m shameless
I just wanted you to know
Oh I’m shameless
Oh I’m down on my knees…shameless
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Now ‘Rock’ and I have had a special love affair forever. My all time favorite love song is Meatloaf ‘I would do anything for love…’ I was 14 when this song came out, and it was the template I followed for the things I’d be willing to do for the one I love.
Now the things he says… the things she says… huge eye opener… FOR me. So I’ve schlepped on in my relationships… trying to do all of the things listed below. Never once noticing I probably wasn’t getting them in return. I did a lot of growing up … so I’ve since noticed. This is an easy template to follow if you care and ARE WILLING, but everyone involved doesn’t always care and they aren’t always willing. For most… it’s just too much pressure.
Anyway… the part that makes my blood move is the section where the female vocalist is challenging his declaration… “I would do anything for love” When I hear it, I can imagine my future wife and I think to myself…
‘YES!!!!!!!
Just get over here already!’
(lmao sorry I just burst into fits of giggles)
Seriously though… while I want to RECEIVE everything this lady is talkin below… It’s more important to me to be able to PROVIDE them. I used to be a hopeless romantic… now I’m just hopelessly romantic for HER. I believe ‘My Future Honey’ is an awesomely amazing woman, and she deserves an awesomely amazing woman. It’s a struggle… but I’m trying.
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ANYTHING FOR LOVE (performed by Ms. Loud)
Will you raise me up?
Will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this Godforsaken town?
Will you make it all a little less cold?
Will you hold me sacred?
Will you hold me tight?
Can you colorize my life I’m so sick of black and white?
Can you make it all a little less old?
Will you make me some magic with your own two hands?
Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand?
Can you give me something I can take home?
Will you cater to every fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with holy water-if I get too hot-?
Will you take me places I’ve never known?
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In conclusion boys and girls… my life is comprised of its own catalog of music. When it comes to love… hmm all I can say is… two years ago I penned the phrase “She’s my music… I’m her radio…” and this is why.
– Nova
Unfamiliar Territory…
I knocked on the door and waited… the house was quiet, it’s late. I heard your footsteps as you made your way to the door. Then the muffled sounds of your irritation as the locks started to turn. “What are you doing here,” you demand… slow and angry. “I told you I was on my way…” I say as I breeze past you into the house. “I told you not to come,” you growl… angry… and low. Without looking at you I take off my jacket and begin removing items from the bag I brought with me. “And I told you I would come” I whisper back. I don’t look at you yet; because I know what I’ll find there… anger… pain… resentment. I also know most of it… is not for me.
I make my way over to the kitchen sink and begin cleaning shrimp. You stand there watching me… tension rolling off of you in heated waves. I choose to ignore you as I wash a few veggies then begin the task of chopping… making preparations for what I’ve brought you. I can feel your eyes drilling holes into the back of my neck… and we stay this way for a time. Finally turning away mumbling under your breath about ‘crazy azz women’ you open the fridge and reach for a beer. I wipe my hands on a dish towel and come up behind you. As you close the door I wrap my arms around your waist, press myself against your back and whisper, “I’ll always come for you.”
You hold your body rigid in my embrace and I rest my head against your shoulder, lace my fingers together and hold you tighter. “I’ll always come for you,” I whisper again and feel some of the tension leave your body. You reach over and put your beer down. Sighing you slowly remove my hands from around your waist. “I told you I was ok…” you say before turning to face me… and we look at each other, two lovers in unfamiliar territory, your eyes tired and stressed, mine concerned and probing. “I just had a bad day,” you whisper looking away from me.
I reach up and cradle your face. Using my thumbs I smooth down your eyebrows, lean forward and press a kiss to your forehead. “I know love… go back to what you were doing. I’ll make you something to eat, then if you want me to go… I’ll go. I just need to make sure my Baby eats something yummy first.” I rub my lips into your skin again then step back. We eye each other warily. You reach for your beer and I turn back to chopping. I feel your eyes on my back, as I finish deveining the shrimp, move this… reach for that… put things away and stir up others. I’m making you Creamy Spinach Rice and Sautéed Shrimp Creole, some quick comfort food.
I can only guess at your thoughts as I remember our earlier phone conversation … the sound of your anger hurt my heart… but the pain just beneath the surface… that’s what made me come, regardless of what you had to say about it. “Where did you find shrimp this time of night” you ask. Hmmm my babe sounds incredulous, grinning I watch as the rice bubbles… “For you? Oh Daddy I have my ways…” I start laying the shrimp mixture out in the pan… stirring slow … methodical… jumping a little as you wrap your arms around my waist. You rest your chin over my shoulder peering into the pan as I stir… I grab another spoon for the rice… “Ok…” I say turning in your embrace… “Go sit down, I’m almost done.” We eye each other warily, two lovers in unfamiliar territory… you’re still not sure if you should be angry at me or not. I’m still not sure my concern is welcome. Shaking your head you step back and head for the couch.
Humming to myself I prepare your plate… grab you a fresh beer then walk slowly over to you. You’re flipping through channels on the TV, a bundle of irritated energy. Reaching for the plate you finish the last of your beer. I take your empty; set the freshly opened bottle down next to you and turn away. You grab my hand and bring it to your lips, “Thank you,” you whisper looking up at me”. I smile down at you, “You are always welcome Baby.” Then I make my way back to the kitchen. I fix a small plate for myself and nibble while I clean up. When satisfied I head back over to you, just as you take your last bite. Without a word I take the now empty plate from you and head back to the sink. ‘Hmmm… I’m a lost cause… she has me washing dishes’ I think to myself as I wash both plates.
Putting the leftover food away I look around to make sure nothing is out of place. “Come here…” I hesitate; I’m not familiar with this tone in your voice. “Come here,” you say again… and I respond to the demand now in your voice. I walk over to you… now sitting on the bed, and we eye each other warily, two lovers in unfamiliar territory, “Do you still want me to leave?” I ask quietly. You take my hand and pull me forward, “No… I want you to come here… stay with me” you whisper… I move back on the bed and lay down, reaching out for you. You lay in my arms, resting your head against my heartbeat, and I wrap myself around you. We hold each other tight… I kiss the top of your head… then reach a hand up to rub your temple while the other rubs your back. My fingers trace slow designs through your hair and you drift into quiet slumber in my embrace. “Be at peace love” I whisper softly to you as the rest of the tension finally leaves your body.
To My Future Wife…
I’m here when you need me… even when you can’t say so…
– Nova
Just a Lil Bit…
That perfect bite… spicy… sweet… tender… juicy…
Something volatile… C4… TNT… Gunpowder…
Beauty personified… a rainbow… a flower… puppy dog eyes… sunshine…
Something vital… oxygen when I can’t catch my breath… rain in the desert… food for a starving soul…
All I need is a lil bit…
– Nova
